My exDP and I broke up a few months ago. Though we didn't go public for a long time after that and tbh the love is still there just impossible.
This thread is more reaching out to people who've known people like this as, obviously, I can't exactly post it on facebook or talk to our mutual friends about it for some validation/discussion/mutual understanding.
OW(1)
We got together when I was 17-18 and he was mid twenties. He was going out with a girl younger than me before this, and I a similar aged partner to me. I didn't know about EA's then and in a way quite immature, but I know now we had an EA for a long time before getting together.
The entire friendship was laced with lies, and when we got together for the first time I guess()? he was having an EA with his ex. I was seeing a guy very casually before leaving him for exDP but exDP didn't want me to tell this guy about him. He says this was a "test". He couldn't outright leave his ex and go public with me iygm- it's as if he was terrified of ending up alone. He often tested me during this period, it was only really a few intense weeks before I pushed him back to her, I was young and thought I was being really uncontrolling and allowing and cool. But I guess he wanted to be told not to do things with her.
We got back together a few months after. (They didn't last long.)
OW(2)
It's been extremely rocky ever since... from the beginning he had an EA with a girl from another country. He had a more sexual version of this EA with same girl throughout past relationship. (Read it all eventually). At the start of our relationship he suffered awfully from jealousy and paranoia - he told this girl that I was suffering from jealousy and hinted strongly that I was abusive and controlling. His brothers girlfriend advised me to check on their friendship - I really was so stupidly "cool" and open in the past with female friendships - and when I did I was horrified by what I saw. She would often try to flirt with him, you could tell what she was doing... a lot of slagging me too.
So the first part of "our" problems was he kept telling me he had stopped being inappropriate with this girl. Every time I demanded to see their conversation I would see that he had lied. He never initiated, nor really indulged in sexual inappropiateness but she constantly pushed for it, pushed for compliments, used to compare herself to me favouribly "well I let my boyfriend look at other women/watch porn/etc etc" (as if I didn't at the time haha) He only ever proclaimed his love for me though - which was completely transparent as in staying the good guy.
I eventually told him he needed to choose her friendship or me - he "chose me" but again, every time I demanded to see messages.... (he would by this stage try deleting lol)
And then it reached a point where she needed to be blocked. He was extremely reluctant to do this. Yet he eventually did.
OW(3,4,5), pregnancy
He lived at his parents then, 25 or 26, and I stayed over a lot.
I got pregnant, really unlucky. I didn't have periods in those days so I would take a pregnancy test now and again to be safe.
Automatic reaction from both of us was abortion. The CB said 1-2 weeks. I told my mum after a brief break from ex's house, who I have an awful relationship with (abusive physically and emotionally with a few intense hellish years in early teens) and she was delighted. I told her out of nerves... she took me to get a scan, which I agreed with because I would never become attached, I hate children, I just needed to know for sure how many weeks as it affects methods.... and then I seen it. :( It was not 2 weeks.
From then on it was as if there was an IV drip feeding cocaine, meth, pure love and protective instincts into me. It was the happiest time in my life. I would lie in my bed doing crosswords feeling so at ease, like a missing puzzle piece was slotted in.
I went back to stay at ex's - after making steak the awful, 24 hour, cannot move from settee sickness started. I didn't have the mental energy to really think about what I was doing, we arranged the abortion, and it took a few weeks for it to happen but by then I was 12 weeks and very, very attached. The first pill kills the child, the ones you take the next day make you give birth to it. I held that first pill in my hand, and that feeling was indescribable, couldn't stop feeling turned inside out and wretched, begged DP to think a bit longer or just let me have one more day with it. He wanted me to take it minutes after it arrived, he was on his knees in front of me, begging me to take it.
I chose dps life over mine.
A few days later he didn't close off facebook and I went to check, when he was asleep, drunk, if there was any more sign of OW. There wasn't but I discovered there was 2 more, one he was having a lovely flowery online relationship with.
It was gutting to read. Apparently he was stuttering and nervous (the way he was with me :( though he is stuttery while drunk too... and she was the one bringing all of this up, apart from being overweight he is out of her league) apparently he said "I really wanna kiss you" :( :( before their first kiss at the bar me and him frequented nearly every weekend. :(
I copy and pasted everything into a new email account. For some reason it retained the exact way it is on facebook so convenient if I want to read over again....
Found out a whole lot more too - I know it is wrong but I only wanted to check for OW... then seen ^ questionable messages last sent. :( There was no way I could stop snooping after finding out about 2 OW. There was just so much... he was lying to everyone about everything... he had painted a very horrible picture of me to everyone too, in a sideways way, while pretending to be a poor bloke who loved me very much. :(
I woke him, told him I knew and demanded to be let out of the house to get a taxi home. He refused for a long time. I was overcome with shock and anger, I needed away from this man who was locking me in. He raised his voice a few times and his parents heard us. I made it clear to them what had happened while apologizing for any noise. I was let out. He was denying everything happened the entire time. In anger in front of his parents he said something bizarre and bad about me, it seemed bizarre at the time, but I now realise he was poisoning them against me the entire time behind my back.
At home I was wretched and couldn't sleep, I couldn't believe how happy I had been just a few days ago. I had my wee bean, and I had love of my life. I knew he had serious personality problems, but before this I had told him that any lying and "you just tell me when you are ready and I will forgive you." :(
So I went back the next morning. I was still healing, I didn't know how damaged I was at this stage, just in a lot of pain and bleeding. But I had another appointment at the hospital. He came with me, then left me home, which was abnormal... usually he always wanted me around.
While he was on his break in work he started to deny everything, minimize - so I started to paste to him all the most incriminating and hurtful things in those sordid conversations. I could not forgive him while he would not validate what he did to me. :(
Then he said he couldn't do it anymore. I realized the whole family had played a part in "getting me out" (if they had not made me feel so welcome, and if his mum did not ask for me to stay and say how good I was for her son I would not have!!) the weird behind-my-backness was all so hurtful. I felt like the first time that I had a family. :( The brothers girlfriend was responsible for a lot of vileness behind my back... now they're all against me even still to this day. It still hurts.
This is days after an abortion. I should have known what his mum was like when I went to her, for the first time ever, for comfort, I told her I didn't want to have the abortion. She was firmly in favour in it, because her dear son wasn't ready. :(
I told the OW he was messaging loads who I was etc. She said she realised after a while what was happening but was flattered by all the attention.
He told me later that he never felt like I would stick around, that I'd find someone better, and he liked the attention essentially. I wasn't worried about this particular woman, just extremely gutted and hurt - more worried about the first OW, where there seemed to be a legit connection. sigh..
Back home my mum had lost the interest as soon as I lost the baby. With DP (and best friend), and bean, and new family gone I cried and cried and cried. My mum would quite viciously mock my crying, and started up her old abuse again. She attacked me eventually and to the point where police were involved, I moved into a hostel again.
I got back with casual boyfriend as a distraction. We fizzled out, had no interest. Couldnt.
A few months on and me and exDP start seeing each other again. Everything is going well. In the newness I overlook a lot of his lies. It gets out of hand again obviously. No more OW, but he got cruel at this point.
A few months in and I was vunerable, he could sense I needed him, and he lied more than ever about every stupid thing. He would often threaten to break up with me, call my bluff, won. He did this I guess until he felt very much in power.
Then what he would do is make plans with me, lovely stays in hotels, cinema, out for drinks, whatever. I would spend hours getting ready to look perfect, so excited. What he did then was disappear when we were meant to leave... get his mum to message me... break up with me. Just at the point where I was ready and waiting on him, or during getting ready. It got to a point where, out of nowhere (usually the morning where we were leaving for somewhere lovely) he would send me an insanely long facebook message describing why we couldn't be together, that he would always love me, we were toxic for each other, then he'd come back within the day or after a few days of disappearing. I mean regularly. Head fried by this point. This absolutely destroyed my self esteem and I guess gave him what he simultaneously wanted and didn't want. cause the girl he fell for wasn't there anymore and he left me completely out of the blue for a good few months.
These months were awful. At the beginning I could not move, eat, was in a constant state of shock and sickness.
These months were also exactly what I needed. Such a dark time in my life but I learned lessons very very hard. I realised I had lost myself in my relationship due to the past traumas (reading what I read days after a very unwanted abortion, only support abandoned immediately after that). I lost a lot of weight, a lot. I see that here a lot.
By some freak of nature I got pregnant just before we broke up. I didn't feel anything for this one. It was a missed miscarriage so that's probably why, but I didn't ever get over whelmed by feelings of love.
Strangely, he wanted to keep this one although he denies it. He refused to let me get an abortion. Though denied wanting it?
We eventually met so I could "prove" to him that I was pregnant with a test. He assumed we were back together upon meeting. I realised this was a pattern. He fucks off - and as soon as we meet again we are back together in his eyes. I tried to keep my distance but failed. At least I was a little smarter than last time.
When it became apparent I wasn't getting an abortion it took a long while to accept it, and we picked a name. I felt awful the whole time thinking I was going to have a baby that would ruin my life because I wouldn't love it. I kept thinking about I never got to live, have been unhappily waiting to get out of parents house (kept being let down by people) and would never get to live free and alone. Ruined body. etc I was relieved when it passed. :( Which was such a mindfuck to absorb into my brain because of how the last one affected me.
This basically leads us up to a few months ago. Writing that ^ I'm aware I give less and less detail it's like it's drained my emotional energy faster than I could type. Because after writing all that I can't even remember why we broke up. We were arguing a lot because of his lies.
This time I wasn't floored. I had been reading the threads on here for a few months that gave me immense strength, to see my lovely partners behavior emulated by so many other lying dicks. That the shocked, fetal position was normal, or not normal but understandable. I learned off my mistakes (and the many threads off here) what NOT to do, invest myself so fully into a relationship ever again. Stay myself.
My life is looking very, very up these past few months. Got my head together. Got a nice wee flat I move into in the next few days. :) Re-establishing old friendships, cut off toxic ones. Job prospects. Confidence. Less anxiety than ever. Really feeling better than I have in years.
However we are friends and although I am more emotionally distant every day, his lying still bothers me.
He lied last night, out right, about a few things.
He lied today as well. Again a black and white lie. Not even one of those "by omission"... (his true love!)
He says "I was tired and confused" "no it was a mistake :( :( I love you" he just can't admit it can he. These past few days I really have been taking no shit and today I blocked him off everything, only he can still text. I gave him 20 minutes to admit he lied before doing this btw. He opted not to.
I told him I was blocking his number, our last means of communication (I'm moving and he does not nor will he know my new address), actually I said:
"I am calm, I'm just sick of your lies. Ask your mum or brother honestly what you are like, you act like you can't even tell. When it's black and white and I know you can. You know you lied, and you wouldn't admit it. For the last time. Literally show [brother] this message and as much as he dislikes me he will know exactly what I mean. I've blocked you off everything and I'm blocking your number now. Good luck"
His reply - ":'( :'("