Do you ever really get over you first long relationship?

[stateoftheart]

I was with DH for 10yrs. Married for 2. Have 4 DC.

We seperated properly about 18m ago. My decision. I wasn't happy. Thought it was me and I couldn't handle relationships but after some distance I can see that it was that relationship I couldn't handle. He made me feel guilty for every single thing I did for myself, like I was never putting in as much as him and like I had to constantly please him. It was really overwhelming.

I have since tried to talk to him about it, he won't accept it. He can never ever see faults in himself. Obviously I'm not blameless. In hindsight I gave up too easily. Thought there was no hope.

Since then we have been good friends. We need to work quite closely to balance childcare, but we are also quite close anyway.

I have started a new relationship. It started quite casually but it has developed and I am now in love with him. He is very laid back and respects what I say and do. We have lots of fun and he is extremely devoted.

But I dont think I will ever get over caring about what ExH thinks. Thinking about what he's doing, obsessing about him and his new relationship. Whenever anything happens, personally and with the children, he is the first person I want to tell. I am resisting being as close to him and I feel him pulling away as well as it seems the best thing to do. It hurts so much and hasn't stopped the amount of time I think about him.

I honestly don't think I could go back to him as nothing would change but I want to move on.

Does anyone else feel like this? How long does it take to get over it? Will I ever?

Your ex is always going to be a big part of your life because of the children. However, it's a big mistake for a lot of reasons to put him in the role of 'best friend and confidante' and you have to make a conscious effort not to do it.

Well, people do get over their first relationships.

You may or may not, depending on your personality type and how much effort you put into it.

Some people get over things more easily than others.

Some people don't like to try to get over things, preferring to wallow in a not-over-him state.

Are you really unable to stop "obsessing" over his relationships, or are you choosing not to because you like the way it feels? Jealousy/stress/anxiety can feel quite exciting sometimes.

I absolutely hate feeling jealous. It's such a horrid bitter emotion. I never dreamt I would be this way but it literally eats away at me.

I thought about leaving him for years. All I wished was for him to meet someone else and be happy so I could be happy as I know he craves being in a relationship.

I want to so badly not care what he does anymore.

BTW you might not realise that the relationship you originally described with your ex was on the emotionally abusive spectrum. Someone who is never happy, specialises in guilt-tripping, is dismissive of your contributions or ambitions and demands to be constantly pleased sounds highly controlling, manipulative and hard work, to put it mildly. That he has accepted no responsibility for the relationship break-down is interesting

Emotionally abusive relationships are particularly difficult to leave behind because the (engineered) dynamic is obsessive. A psychological bully doesn't give up trying to influence your life simply because of a pesky inconvenience like a divorce. Doesn't even matter that they have a new partner. So what you are interpreting as a 'close friendship' could easily be your ex continuing to manipulate and exert control.

You may benefit from checking out the 'Freedom Programme'. In the meantime, reduce your contact with your ex to very bare bones communication about the DCs.

I used to think I was good at walking away without a second glance, even from long-term relationships. Until my last BF. Previously I would have said suck it up and just get on with it. I would have given you this look:

Now I realise the heart has other ideas. After nearly a year, and several flings later, I realise I need to accept he will always be with me so I need to learn how to deal with the emotional side of missing him rather than trying to get over him. I have no advice for you, but will be watching with interest.

Thank you for your responses.

I am very familiar with the Freedom programme. He definately used Jailing tactics and there were elements of the headworker. I can see he was on the EA spectrum. However it was more his personality rather than him trying to exude control over me.

At the minute I feel like the less contact I have with him the more I think about him and want to know what he is doing ect.

I recently had some health problems and had always been so sure I could rely on him but he really showed me he doesn't care as much as I thought. This has effected me an awful lot and brought it to the surface again.

Then extend the no contact until you stop thinking about him. Make a deliberate and conscious effort to shift your focus. Absorb yourself in all other aspects of life, your new partner, your DCs. Exclude him completely until the feelings pass.

BTW It doesn't matter if his personality was emotionally abusive or if he was consciously emotionally abusive... he's still doing the same thing by making you feel you can rely on him and then showing he doesn't care. It's cynical and damaging. You do not need a head-fuck in your life masquerading as a friend.

I think your advice is spot on!!

I'm not sure if I was hoping for this or hoping to be told that I will never get over him and should get back with him. It would be so much easier. Except I'd be unhappy and a martyr.