What is wrong with me?!

[mantramantra]

I seem to have diminished my friend group and usually present an untruthful account of what I am doing/how I am to the friends I do see, so want to try and be honest on here and get some feedback on what taf is going on with me!

Separated for about 9 months, two primary age kids, wasn't happy in relationship for a long time before I forced the issue by admitting an emotional affair. My other half wants to move back in, initially he wanted to after 6 months but I convinced him to sign another 6 month lease on his flat. I don't know if I want him to ever move back in but I am behaving as though I do - I think to placate him. We get on ok. I don't really fancy him but we do sleep together sometimes (usually if I've had a drink). I quite often get this horrible 'is this it?' feeling when I think about being back with him properly. I have also started seeing a colleague. I like him but don't want to be in a 'relationship' with him, mostly just have a few drinks and then sleep with him, because I think that is what he expects and he is a bit pushy. I think I like the attention and am using my sexuality to build allies in a v male dominated workplace. If the partner I am separated from found out he would be devastated. We had a conversation early on about seeing other people, and at the time agreed that we just wouldn't want to know about it so wouldn't ask each other. I don't think this still stands though, but I tell myself it does so I feel better.

I just feel horrible and I don't know why I am behaving like this! I am making everything complicated and difficult for myself, and I just want to feel happy and sure of things. I feel guilty about everything. I don't focus enough attention on my kids. I am spending too much money on crap at the moment too. I probably drink too much. It is almost like I am leading a double life and I think that is why I have let a lot of my good girlfriends drift away, because I can't admit any of this to them (or myself). I think I may also have unresolved feelings about a miscarriage I had ages ago, that I don't want to talk about so always just say I'm fine and avoid people that might want to ask. I even lied in counselling about all this, so counselling isn't the answer.

Eugh. Can anyone help me get a grip? Anyone felt similar/been through similar?

You could be depressed (as the result of the miscarriage or for no particular reason) and the resulting slump in self-worth and self-esteem means you no longer care about yourself. You could be feeling insecure or under threat so you've opted for distance and detachment from people (lovers, friends, DCs) as a way to put up barriers to protect yourself. Spending and drinking too much are classic ways to self-medicate. Even the sexual encounters you describe sound rather 'out of body' and disengaged.

What's clear is that you don't like your behaviour or the way your life is drifting and that keeping it all secret is only adding to your isolation. I think you should talk to your GP in the first instance, be 100% honest, and see what they suggest. At the same time, perhaps you'd benefit from doing something that is very positive and definite rather than staying in limbo? e.g. properly ending the relationship with your ex-partner

It sounds to me like you should definitely finish with your ex, that's going nowhere.

I'm surprised you can't tell your friends this stuff. Sleeping with people we shouldn't (really shouldn't), drinking too much and spending too much are exactly the sort of things me and my friends talk about .

Could it be that you just didn't click with your councillor? Would it be worth spending some of the money that is currently going on crap in trying to find one that is right for you?

" I even lied in counselling about all this, so counselling isn't the answer."

I missed this first time around. Do you know why you lied to a counsellor? I'm assuming that what you wrote here is the truth because of the anonymity of an internet forum. Did you mistrust the counsellor? Were you there reluctantly or against your better judgement? Are you worried that, if you own up to the truth, you'll have to do something about it?

I don;t know why I cant talk to people about this, not sure I would even be able to tell the doctor - I went into counselling with the intention of really unpicking it all and getting sorted, but just couldn't be honest about how I felt. I am really stuck in a place of saying 'I'm alright, everything is alright' and I know that its not, so I suppose I isolate myself so I don't have to face that.
I relate to the comment about being disengaged, that is exactly how I feel in my personal life. I think I over compensate professionally.

Maybe it is about making a decision. I have always been a people pleaser and any decision I make is bound to hurt someone, I don;t think I can face that either.

You have to stop paying lip service to what you want, and just fucking well do it. Get over yourself.

There is absolutely no point in lying to a counsellor - are you sure you aren't doing it because you care more about some stranger perceiving you as a great person with a great life, than actually having to make the effort to change anything and face the "shame" of someone knowing that gasp you aren't perfect? It's a counsellor!! I guarantee they've heard worse.

You need a (metaphorical) slap in the face.

You need to tell your ex that - as things stand at the moment - him moving back in isn't going to be possible, and you need some time to work out what is going on in your head at the moment. It is unfair to lead him on. It is categorically shit to lead him on whilst screwing around with some work colleague.

Close your legs for five minutes and sort yourself out. "selfish" doesn't even begin to cover it. You aren't obligated to get back with your ex, but you are obligated to consider how people other than yourself are feeling.

Christ alive.

You are avoiding taking responsibility for your life. As long as 2 men are happy to be a part of your life at your beck and call, you are to-ing and fro-ing between the two of them, but not caring much for either.

Do you have low self esteem? Looks as if you do because you are getting a kick out of being in control, on your terms, of 2 'relationships' for want of a better word.

The drinking and the spending are distractions which make you avoid facing up to decisions. You also need to reflect seriously on what the drink is doing to your health in the long term- liver damage is no joke.

You don't have to have a man in your life- any man. Build your self worth and then you won't need to get short term thrills/ kicks from casual sex, booze and shopping.

What do you enjoy? What makes you tick? What are your dreams for yourself and your kids for the next 50 years? Focus your energies on those.

It is definitely about presenting a version of myself that isn't behaving in an awful way, because I hate the way I do behave and I know I am being a shit to people I should care about. How do I sort myself out though? If I can't even admit the reality of who I am to a counsellor then where do I start with getting over myself? I can rationalise what I should do and how I should behave and deal with things, but I can't actually do it, or rather, I can't stop doing the things I know I shouldn't do and don't actually enjoy or particularly want to do. Is there a practical way to make myself confess all to someone who could help me stop, eg the Dr or a counsellor? How can I prepare for that because it didn't work last time?

You might find a good life coach is better than a counsellor- a coach will help you set targets and you will be accountable for changes you make.

But it's not impossible to make changes yourself. I find it hard to understand why you cannot start sorting these. I can only think you are slightly addicted to your behaviour and so far the pay-backs from it outweigh the grief you feel - or cause others to fee.

Do you really WANT to change or are you just saying you do?

Reading your post there are these issues:

Prolonging the relationship with your ex- it's going nowhere. Stop seeing him, tell him it's over and mean it. You are being a bitch- really.

Drink- no one buys it or pours it down your throat. Stop buying, stop mixing with people where you are going to drink, or drink non alcoholic stuff.

Shopping- just don't buy stuff. Don't go shopping and stay offline.

What else is there you need to change?

" I can rationalise what I should do and how I should behave and deal with things, but I can't actually do it, "

You're missing motivation at the moment. We all have bad habits in some form or other and it's not as simple as someone telling us to shape up and stop doing it. My observation is that you have a huge amount of things you're either not doing or not saying or you're trying to avoid or deny. I think the cumulative effect is that you're 'freezing' and it's preventing you from doing anything at all.

You're not going to flip a switch and fix all of this in one hit but I think it would help you to feel in control and more engaged in just one small area of your life. Perhaps you could not drink for a while if it clouds your judgement? Or plan something nice with your DCs and give them your full attention?

I'm going to give up drinking for a while. That is a good start. I think it could work in two ways, stop me being impulsive/flirty/making bad choices in the moment, and also stop me feeling so bad about myself/demotivated/useless when I am hungover... The posts mentioning control is resonating with me. I think I am using both men to exert a warped sense of control. Plus I get an esteem boost from them. I know it is not fair and really, really bad :( Taking control of the booze might be a start, and if I can't do it then I seriously need to address it as a problem. I'm not ready to stop with my ex completely yet.

By the way, thank you all for your advice. It actually feels quite good to just get it out and get some perspective.

Alcohol also acts as a depressant as well as suppressing inhibitions. If you're struggling with personal motivation and self-esteem, you don't need depression and recklessness on top.

You need to ask why you cannot give up the ex- bit of a contradiction there!
There is no future in it- read what you wrote.
You are deceiving him and using him.
How can you be so mean to another person?

You need to work out why you want your friends to see this false image of your life. What happened in the past that you are ashamed of. Is it the undealt with miscarriage. Or more stuff from when you were younger, you must feel pretty bad about it if you can't even talk to a counsellor about it.

And how on earth do you find time for 2 men in your life, getting drunk, a job (where you have time to act like a flirt) and be a single DM to two DCs??

All this smacks a bit of escapism from something else.

Its not just that I want my friends to see a false image of me - I literally cannot share this stuff. The words do not come out. Or I just brush off any enquiries as I am fine. Or I don't see them so they don't ask. That's not normal is it? I have brilliant, sympathetic, loyal, lovely friends that I just can't relate to on any meaningful level. What makes me want to instead spend my time in a bar and going home with a man that I don't even like that much? When clearly the best thing to do would be to talk and have a hug with a friend. I can't figure out why I am making such bad decisions for myself. I'm not drunk when I decide to go to a bar with him after work.

"That's not normal is it?"

It's a kind of denial or escapism. It's actually a normal defence mechanism but your version of it is rather extreme and probably unhealthy. What makes you want to spend time with someone you don't really like and have sex with them into the bargain? ... I'm guessing it's because you only feel worthwhile if someone (anyone) is telling you that you are attractive. You already said you're a people pleaser and put others before yourself. I think the psychologists would have a fancy way of putting it... your 'locus of self' is external rather than internal ... something like that

So, if I am in denial and escaping from something I can't put my finger on at the moment, how do I change that? Do I need some therapy?! And how can I make that work for me if my default position is to deny? I think I do get a sense of worth from being found attractive, worse thing is that by doing these things to achieve that, I am undermining where I actually get my worth from, which is my ability to achieve and succeed at work, be a good mum etc. I'm going to google locus of self...

I literally cannot share this stuff

Am not sure what 'this stuff' is?

That you are lonely, or unhappy with what you have when you feel you should be grateful, or just that you don't know what you want in life?

Were you always the capable successful one and can't bare to be seen to fail (in your eyes).

You have already analysed your behaviour well in your first post; you say you like the attention, the element of control, being made to feel attractive etc.

But these feelings are quite superficial aren't they? The men don't love you and you don't love them. Nothing wrong with that at all. But what your relationships lack is honesty.

If you and your ex are separated then why can't you be open about seeing and sleeping with other men? This implies your ex has some emotional control over you or you care what he thinks. Which is it and why?

You could ask yourself again why you don't share stuff with your friends- to me it seems that you are too ashamed to because you know that your behaviour is not good- you are toying with other people's feelings and it's all about YOU.

People who behave as you do tend to be very insecure with low self esteem- they hang onto old dead relationships because they daren't move on, no matter how crap the relationship is. You sleep with your colleague because he's there. And it makes you feel desired. But the relationship is not equal- so it could be you are terrified of being in a relationship where you care about the other person and could get hurt. With both these men of yours you hold the cards.

You don't need men to prop you up- it's quite ok to be on your own and enjoy other stuff.

You wrote this: I like him but don't want to be in a 'relationship' with him, mostly just have a few drinks and then sleep with him, because I think that is what he expects and he is a bit pushy. I think I like the attention and am using my sexuality to build allies in a v male dominated workplace

You think he wants sex so you say yes but this implies you don't want to.
Can you read this again and say what exactly is going on?
Are you saying you are 'sleeping your way to the top'? If you are then you are very naive if you think any good at all can come of that.

I would go see a docter, ask for help, you can visit "mind" website they have a lot of good tips to make you feel more positive about yourself. Repeat to yourself everyday "I am worth more" like others have said, drink clouds our judgment and we act out of character :( and a depressant, if your not careful it could become a crutch that you can't do with out in the future.
Take a night class instead of going to a bar, meet new people, take up a hobby.......

I've seen a few bad counsillors and now have a good one, it's sometimes upsetting and painful to go over things, but I do feel better after....a good chance to rant too :) don't be afraid to tell them anything, you can't work through things unless your honest with them and yourself first.

I would also have a good chat with your hubby, somewhere neutral with out the kids, and explain that although you don't want him to live with you again yet, your not dismissing the idea all together, if he loves you he will be willing to wait until you've sorted yourself out.

Dump the man from work, he must think it's Xmas ! He's getting sex with a good looking woman but none if the ties or hassle of a relationship. If he we're a decent man he'd want to date you properly show you off be proud to say she's with me.
It won't all happen overnight and could take a couple of years...... But it is possible with good friends and family to get through this, if you don't tell them they can't help.

I hope you get sorted wishing you well xx

Be interesting to see how you get on if you dump the drink. Both your sexual relationships are fuelled by drink- you say you don't want to sleep with your ex partner but do to placate him and it's fuelled by drink, and you say you sleep with the guy from work too after a drink, because he's pushy.

Are you making excuses for your own behaviour?
Or do you get so pissed that you can't control your actions?

The stuff I can't share is that I hurt that I lost a baby, but that was ages ago and I was so strong and accepting at the time - it is old news. I can't share that I'm not so sure of the decisions I have made, and am muddying the waters with the ex because I feel so guilty. I can't share that I use men to make me feel better, even though it actually makes me feel worse, because I am not like that! I am strong and in control and anyway, all my shit is of my own doing, I am doing it to myself, I don't want to share that.

That phrase about using my sexuality to build allies sounds awful. And I am not intending to sleep my way to the top, but somewhere I have lost the ability to be friendly and interested in a person I admire, and not feel that the only way that is reciprocated is if they fancy me. I think that is what I meant.

I know I don't need a man in my life. I would prefer not to have one. I am, believe it or not, pretty fiercely independent. So, I suppose I feel like I am letting myself down in that respect too. I preach one thing and do the exact opposite!

There is no honesty in my relationships. With anyone. I hold back but I don't know why.

I will dump the drink and the man from work. He does want a proper relationship, is proud of me and wants to tell everyone and show me off. I don't want that. So that makes it even worse because he is not even an arsehole that is using me, it is the other way round. And with the drinking, I don't think it is an excuse, I think it is a way of me enabling this behaviour. The internal dialogue is quietened and after the initial sober decision of meeting with him in a pub, I can just let it happen.

Eugh. I don't want to be such an bitch, just can't get out of the mess I have made for myself at the moment.

Going to take apart some of what you said here.

Your miscarriage- there are support groups. Find them, join them talk to people who understand- get it out of your system somehow.

I can't share that I use men to make me feel better, even though it actually makes me feel worse, because I am not like that!

I don't quite understand what you mean here. When you say' I am not like that' the truth is you ARE like 'that'- your actions show you are. I think what you mean is you don't want to be that sort of woman.

You seem to have a problem with boundaries- either you don't have any, so that you end up having sex with a male colleague for whatever reasons you like to drum up, but you exclude your true feelings from your friends.

Why?

Don't you like who you are? Are you afraid people will scarper if they see the 'real you'?

You are not coming over as a strong person. You do come across as someone who is vulnerable and emotionally fragile and puts on a strong 'front' to hide the real person underneath.

Why are you afraid of showing your feelings?

Can you start with small changes? If someone asks how you are, can you say you are fine BUT there are times when you feel sad about your lost baby?

Can you start considering other people and not just yourself and start living your life in a way that won't hurt anyone?

I have noticed in all of this that there is no mention of your children. What is happening to them when you are out drinking, in bed with their father, or the guy at work? Who looks after them and how much do they see and know? Maybe see yourself through their eyes and give yourself a wake up call?

I hold back but I don't know why

For fear of appearing weak and unable to cope with life?

My family were like this, because we were brought up with the elephant in the room which was never discussed, so you continue with that trait into adulthood. And maintain a front.