Fed up as don't know why he does this

[Stripyhoglets]

My DH Is generally good at doing stuff around the house, but I do have to ask him to do it. Every. Single. Time. The only thing he does without prompting is the dishwasher and then he doesn't wipe sides or put everything away but he does do the dishwasher. However it's the other stuff he doesn't do unless I ask and remind. I have a bag waiting to go in the loft, I have been asking for months for him to put it up there and he has failed. It's been sat on the landing for months and I don't understand how he can walk past it everyday several times and not think "Stripy asked me to put that in the loft several times for months so I better do it now" and then do it. When I ask him he will just say he "forgot" but how can you just forget, for months, when it's there?
I can't physically get in the loft due to joint problems which also restricts how much other stuff I can do or I get pain and fatigue. (I work part time because of this). We have a cleaner who does the heavy duty stuff to help reduce the domestic load. Our house is quite small and I am generally fed up with how messy it is and the kids don't help at all and it's always "later" with them as well. I feel they model his behaviour towards me, which is to generally ignore and then say he "forgot" and tbh because no one else seems to give a shit I don't bother either, I refuse to slave away all day when no one notices. I am just really fed up tody as I have a day off work so am doing some washing and need to go shopping for food, and that bloody bag is still on the bloody landing. I feel like I will blow a fuse when he gets in so hence the rant here. If I really need something doing and he says "later" and I say "can you do it now cos later never comes" he gets pissed off and still sometimes "forgets" I feel it's a control thing tbh and I hate it.

Have you talked to him, calmly and in detail, about this?

WRT your children, "later" absolutely does not wash with me. If I want something done, I want it done now, thank you very much, and if there is whinging then toys get put away/tv/computer gets turned off, whatever. You absolutely need to put your foot down on that one.

Oh and it makes me look really bossy to everyone who thinks he's a poor hen pecked soul. Which is probably true, I am bossy because I can't do it all myself anymore.

How old are the DCs? Sounds like you have zero respect in your house, no-one's listening to you and you're not acting like a team. Would a family meeting help?

I do need to talk to him cailindana you are right. He gets all cross though and "sorry I'm so useless and forgetful" which annoys me as he isn't over everything. I am more forgetful now, but it's because I cba to try and remember stuff when he doesn't, so I know forgetting is sometimes just laziness. I do insist with the kids and they do eventually do it, and DH gets annoyed when they don't do stuff but doesn't seem to see that he does the same. I will try and talk calmly to him when I get a chance.

The bag on the landing is annoying and perhaps you should stand there and 'help' (i.e. watch!) while he does it.

Just to get the rest of it right though: You don't do anything in the house and have a cleaner? Your children are messy because of him? Not you? You are not expecting him to do everything around the house after working as well?

If it was me then his dinner,washing etc will be done 'later'.

How old are your children, if they are old enough then I think a family meeting about the house hold chores needs to be held so you can eplain to all of them what they need to do to help around the house and what will happen if they don't.

Thanks cogito, they are 10 and 13. I guess as I was quite responsible at 13 at home, I am aware that they should be capable of doing more now. I'm no martyr though! I'm too tired and fond of relaxing myself, but I do do stuff as I go along to try and keep on top of things, but when no one else is, it isn't enough to keep straight. I think some lists need making, the 13 year old wants more freedom at the mo so will be given that in trade for more responsibility. I just felt like he's deliberately not putting the bloody bag away to annoy me, but he gets all upset if I suggest that!

It sounds like there is a bit of a power play going on. He is having a teenagery reaction to you "bossing him around." I think you need to sit him down and ask these questions:

Do you understand my medical condition and how it restricts me?
Do you understand why I ask you to do things around the house?
How does me asking you to do those things make you feel?
Is there a reason why you put off doing things?
This is making us both angry and it's all a bit silly really, is there any way we can sort it out so we're both happy?

Warysara, no I do do stuff in the house, the cleaner does 2 hours to do the floor washing and hoovering and bathroom cleaning once a week but I obviously have to Hoover and clean sink, loo and sometimes bath and shower in between as well, but it helps that it's done by her as it frees up weekend time. I do the laundry, food shopping, cooking and organising children stuff and finances. I also do gardening but he does move lawns when asked. I work in a very stressful job 22 hours a week and am physically shattered from the stress when I get in and I get in (7-8pm). He does do stuff, and will do stuff so I know I am a lot better off than some women, but it's just this "forgetting" thing. I just have a list going through my head all the time of what needs doing, maybe others don't and he's one of them.

The kids is a separate issue and I can see I am partially responsible so will get lists done and get tougher.
Because he does do quite a lot, although only his fair share IMO, but maybe this forgetting is his way of subconsciously kicking back at the fact that he does what some men consider a lot round the house. I can see we need to talk about this rather than waiting till. I get annoyed.

Maybe he is doing it subconsciously as you say. I've been with someone who genuinely didn't notice things and would just step over them. I understand how frustrating it can be.

Perhaps sitting down and saying that this really hurts you and that you only ask because you want the house to be better for everyone that you'll eventually get through to him?

Thanks Cailindana, you are right. I'm not dealing with this by doing it all and exhausting myself though and maybe lists will help.

But I do have to pace myself, so can no longer run around on my days off as domestic goddess as that's partly what got me where I am now tbh.

I think that DH comes from a more traditional family than me and my mum was unwell when I was young so I did do cleaning and stuff to help her out. I feel bad when I moan about these things as I have many friends whose husbands do naff all or expect a certain standard, and he really doesn't. It's just the forgetting thing that I find unfathomable, but even writing this has calmed me down and helped me see what the problem might be and how to tackle it. Thank you.

Thanks Warysara, I think you are right.

And I'm going to go an stuff the bag in a cupboard!

Don't feel bad because there are other men out there who treat their wives like skivvies. Their relationships have nothing to do with yours. Your boundaries and expectations are not high - you just want to a partner who will act like a teammate, someone who sees what needs doing and just do it, rather than acting like a third child who needs to be coaxed and cajoled. The forgetting thing is silly and has no place in an adult relationship. It needs to stop.

Have no advice, but tons of sympathy.

I don't understand how he can walk past it everyday several times and not think...

I know, I put stuff in places to remind me to deal with it. I find it works very well, yet my DP also seems unable to develop this strategy.

Oh and it makes me look really bossy to everyone who thinks he's a poor hen pecked soul.

On top of the forgetfulness/laziness itself, this is just insult to injury!

"sorry I'm so useless and forgetful" which annoys me as he isn't over everything.

E.g. Dates and times of football fixtures. Funny that.

I just have a list going through my head all the time of what needs doing, maybe others don't and he's one of them.

I wasn't born with this tendency, and neither were you. We learned to do it because it's how stuff gets done. I'm quite convinced anyone can learn to do it, if they try.

OMG, OP, it's so fucking annoying, isn't it?

'I do the laundry, food shopping, cooking and organising children stuff and finances.'

Well, don't.

Or rather:

'Sorry DH, I was literally on my way to get your washing to put in with the load I did with mine and the kids stuff, saw that bag on the landing and it totally distracted me and I completely forgot to do the tasks that you would have expected me to do for you and that I usually do, to make your life easier. Awful isn't it! A bit like the bag that still isn't in the loft... No, no time to do your laundry now. You'll have to do it.'

Same for cooking.
Same for finances that basically help him out.
His mum's birthday card? No, didn't get round to it.
You get the idea.

'You're in a mood? Why? I always have to remind you to do anything for me, and you still often don't do it. I've asked you to put that bag in the loft a hundred times, you still haven't. Do you really think you have to right to be annoyed if I don't wash your clothes when you expect it, or buy a card, or make you dinner?'

I wasn't born with this tendency, and neither were you. We learned to do it because it's how stuff gets done. I'm quite convinced anyone can learn to do it, if they try.

SomethingOnce I totally agree with you, my BF thinks I was born able to do things and I repeat the above to him!

"I wasn't born with this tendency, and neither were you. We learned to do it because it's how stuff gets done. I'm quite convinced anyone can learn to do it, if they try."

exactly.
I sympathise OP. Sometimes I feel as if my head will explode I have that much running through it at any one time that I need to sort/organize/do/remember. I write things down. i use my phone. I do whatever it takes to stay on top of stuff. Yet DH will forget stuff ALL THE TIME and when I mention how upsetting it is his response is always " I try my best"
I find it so upsetting because to me it shows a lack of respect . It shows that actually he doesn't care enough about me/the dc to make the effort required to remember things that may not be intrinsically important to him but are very important to someone else (me or dc)
I don't have any special super powers. Yet I remember stuff/get stuff done/know what is happening when by using EFFORT because my family are worth it to me. But not to DH it seems

Hmm. Well. No amount of 'upset' on his part makes up for the fact that he never actually does it. He's not being so crap at doing anything that you'll eventually stop asking him is he? Just wondering. Because this is a well-worn tactic.