Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Trapped/Unhappy/Drinking

13 replies

AdiVic · 08/07/2014 10:05

Hello - not too sure what to do, or say as have been in this situation for a while, but it's now having an effect on my health (already on 50mg sertraline, drinking bottle wine most nights, in past 2 weeks has crept up to more, smoking more, feeling shaky and anxious and keep crying, if it wasn't for kids id run away - the only thing that calms me down is wine - I know this is wrong and I have docs appointment for next week).

Anyway, me and my husband been together 10 or 11 years, one DD who is 4, one DS who is two. In between we had another child who was diagnosed with downs as well as other things and was terminated at 17 weeks (heartbreaking). My husband has worked as a manager in engineering for 6/7 years and gets obsessed with his work, and only ever wants to talk about it. We have had a week or two here and there off together in the past 6 years and he still goes on about work and seems to be shitty when away from it. He is now working from home as we thought this would improve things, but it hasn't. He is still obsessed and we never spend time as a family, and if and when we do, there is such an atmosphere, he irratates the life out of me. He is grumpy, snappy, has told me i'm boring as i have nothing to talk about (all he talks about is engineering which I don't understand, hence i find it pretty boring).

We have not had sex for 3 years, and the thought really does not appeal to me - he has said some pretty horrid things over the past couple of years.

He left his full time job in december last year, and whilst setting up his own thing we had no money - the mortgage didn't get paid for 2 months, but then he has been paid (quite handsomely!) and he has still not paid ANY bills, morgage included. We have a pre litigation meeting with the bank on wednesday. He also has about 40k of debts, and is totally ignoring them - saying to me, if i want to pay them i can (I cannot as I cannot pay them on my meagre part time earnings i get from a bit of cleaning. Can't affor full time childcare for me to return to my previous career in sales. He doesn't seem to care if we lose the house etc. He said in an arguement that he is not paying the bills as I need to feel the panic and suffer. I said what about the kids and he said I need to feel the panic for them as I deserved it. He seems to resent the fact I do not work full time, and I do not work as hard as he does as all i do is swan around all day. I clean houses for a few £££, look after the children etc.

Anyway, If i were childless I would call it a day, but i feel so guilty about this as he loves the kids, and they love him and he is a good dad to them, it is just me and him with the problem. I can never see things improving - shouldn't have married him. I can't bear the thought of being responcible for splitting a family up, as the kids will be so upset. Of course im scared to be single, with no means of money (he has said if i leave he will pack up work and live off benefits so i don't get a penny)Sorry this is soooo long, and spelling bad but typing really fast so don't get caught.

Any advice/experience of similar, i feel like i'm losing the plot

thank you xxx

OP posts:

myroomisatip · 08/07/2014 10:10

For at start, he is in no way a good Dad! How can you say he loves them, you are all going to lose your home fgs!

I would ring Womens Aid and get down to the CAB for some advice, also get some free time with a family law solicitor!

As quick as possible. You need to find out what you can to to salvage this situation.

Butterflyspring · 08/07/2014 10:21

bloody hell - he sounds utterly vile. Financial and emotional abuse for starters. Get to Women's Aid and get the hell away from him. How is he a good father if he refuses to pay for his own children plus treats you, their mother, like this. He is making you ill. You are not responsible for splitting up the family - if you leave I think you would be saving your children from him quite frankly.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2014 10:24

"I can't bear the thought of being responcible for splitting a family up, as the kids will be so upset. "

Your children will be even more upset one day when they realise the reason Mum stayed in an unhappy marriage and drank & smoked herself into an early grave was .... for them.... It's too much of a cliché to say 'happy Mum, happy kids' but I think you're sacrificing way too much at present for the sake of a false premise i.e. that your DCs would suffer if Dad lived in a different place. The situation sounds appalling

Do you have anyone IRL that you can talk to about this or are you keeping it secret? Would you consider talking to Womens Aid?

YvyB · 08/07/2014 10:30

Erm, if he refuses to pay the mortgage and you lose your house, isn't that HIM splitting up the family???

You need to put the practical needs of your dcs first: they need a secure home and a healthy mum. It seems to me that your dh is actively preventing them from having these very basic needs met. I really cannot see how he is making any positive contribution to their lives.

I get virtually nothing from my exh but Ive managed to provide stability for my ds by myself. Get back to the gp, get some legal advice and start planning. Tell a couple of rl friends too - you need support.

good luck x

Original poster

AdiVic · 08/07/2014 11:02

Thank you - I have a couple of really good friends, one lives in another country, one is going through a painful time herself, so it's difficult to burden them with too much. I think he would be genuinley shocked and heartbroken if I pulled the plug, and he is good with the kids (he implies i'm not, even though I know I am) - he has not made the link between being a good father and providing a stable home. I did ask the local housing benefit office if i would get housing support and the woman said if I leave the family home with no evidence of abuse they don't pay - not sure if this is right. I would love to be able to calmly sit down with him and say "look, this isn't going to end happily, lets call it a day now whilst we can still be civil etc" but i know he wouldn't be civil, not because he is a nasty human, cos he is not, he's just very defensive and sticking his head in the sand. I know i sound like I'm sticking up for him, I'm not, Im just trying to give a really fair point from both sides. Thank you for your advice so far xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

AdiVic · 08/07/2014 11:03

ps will go to CAB asap x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2014 11:11

"the woman said if I leave the family home with no evidence of abuse they don't pay - not sure if this is right"

It's sounds as though she was trying to deter you from applying. Marriages break down for all kinds of reasons and, if the only criteria for social housing and housing benefit was abuse, then there would be a lot of women and children with no money and nowhere to go. CAB sounds like an excellent idea.

Butterflyspring · 08/07/2014 11:26

If you speak to Women's Aid, your GP and the police then you will have evidence of the abuse. And CAB too. I would suggest free half hour with solicitor also.

And I am sorry but the way he speaks to and treats you does show he is very nasty.

DirtySkirtings · 08/07/2014 18:52

I don't believe that's correct about housing support. It certainly wasn't the case when I separated 5 years ago.

Definitely check that with the CAB.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2014 18:59

he is a very long way form a "good dad"

he is willing to make them homeless simply to teach you a lesson

he is an an abusive man, and an abusive father

act accordingly to that not what you try to convince yourself of

StrawberryMouse · 08/07/2014 19:02

Financial abuse. Women's Aid. I suspect the house will be gone soon and your relationship is dead. Run.

myroomisatip · 08/07/2014 19:10

So, what did you do today? Did you manage to get any advice?

paxtecum · 08/07/2014 19:26

My niece left her DH last year for a similiar reason. The DH had stopped going to work and she was working 60 hours a week to try and pay the bills.

The kids are completely fine and happy. They live with a happy mum in a happy house and see their Dad at weekends. Funnily enough he he started working again after she left.

He is an abusive man.

Flip