First date and potential long distance relationship

[Aliensloveunderpants00]

So, what do you do when you massively click with someone online and then emails/texts, have spoken on the phone for hours and also Skype and everything seems like could be great... but he lives an eight hour drive/short flight away? We're both willing to give a long distance relationship a go but how do you actually manage the logistics of that first meet to see if there's actually anything there in RL? It's not like we can meet up for a quick drink.... Is it ok if I fly to him instead of the other way round if more convenient for different reasons? Or do we instead meet somewhere halfway from both of us? If yes, separate rooms the done thing?

Any advice on the best way to do this would be much appreciated (we won't be able to meet for another month btw due to both of us having children and work commitments). I'm pretty well travelled and used to flying; quite adventurous too so to me jumping on a plane is not a big deal btw...

Thanks!

No I wouldn't. It always sounds romantic and I'm sure some people can make it work but I think what you end up with a glorified 'holiday romance' where everyone only sees each other when on best behaviour and making a big effort. If it lasted, at some point you'd have to go from that to the drudgery of sock washing and farting under the duvet.... reality would bite.

For me, I want a boyfriend/partner to be someone I can go places with, share experiences and enjoy the day to day together. Life's too short.

Hi. It is fine for you to fly to him. I flew first in my LDR. Is there anyone you know in the area or can you plan to do things you like alone so there isn't .si much pressure to spend whole weekend together . I happened to have friends in the area so we spent a lot of that weekend together but not the whole time. We slept in the same room but at friends houses. We were younger though so that was easier. No sex but that's obviously personal choice. Do all the ususl safety stuff like letting someoneknow your movements his contac t details and have a good time. I will say I had met mine on holiday so as it us your first meet I'd be extra careful. That said. I'm married to mine now and our baby is due next month..

Thanks both

Cogito I can see your point, however I really think this could go somewhere ... I'll always wonder what if if we don't at least meet

Freedom That's a lovely story . Definitely will keep in contact with friends and let them know where I am at all times...

Another question.... how do you split the flights/hotel costs? It wouldn't be fair for the person visiting going through the effort of travelling plus on top of that covering all the costs... how do you bring this up? (it hasn't come up in conversation yet)

My husband and I met online. International LDR and all that.

For costs, I covered the flights and he covered everything else while I was there (dinners, movies, mobile phone etc), and we shared a room (and bed) at his apartment. Long story involved in the eventual move over and how those costs were covered.

I'd travel half-way (or a location that's good enough for that), each paying your flight there, and split the costs 50/50 while you're there. That way neither of you is beholden to the other. (just make sure you have extra money just in case he skips out and you need to pay more).

Good luck!

Thank you sky. Yes it might be easier to meet somewhere half-way, that way we can each book our own flights without any awkward conversations about who pays for what etc...

I like the idea of how freedom said not to spend the whole weekend together but also do things separately. Being the first time you meet someone that's a really good idea actually!

Also ... if meeting half way, one room or two separate ones? Not opposed to something happening but thinking it could be really awkward were we not to like each other

My (now) husband and I were an ocean apart when we met. We dated for 2 years and had daily phone calls and emails. We saw each other in person only 3 times for one week visits each during those 2 years (because international airfare was so expensive). He finally moved here and we married 2 weeks later.

We're now coming up on our 10 year wedding anniversary and we are extremely happy and very compatible. It does always amaze us that we managed to find each other. I'm not saying it will work out this easily for everyone, but for myself, it was the biggest risk I've ever taken and it literally gave me the best reward of my life.

Best of luck whatever you do!

I paid my flight if I was flying. Same for him. We took turns travelling and did some halfway meet ups. When we got to sharing hotel rooms, we'd both research, unless one of us knew the area well and it was just clear we'd spilt hotel costs. So I would say, found a hotel for 50 a night - does that work for you? Meals we took turns. Same with entrance fees. But we were similarly poor so dIdnt feel shy to say ; this is a bit expensive let's try another restaurant. I also used trip advisor a lot to always have a couple of restaurant or activity options. If I went to him he picked up petrol costs and I did the same when he came to me. So the first trip or two are always going to be a financial and emotional risk but making sure you are seeing a local friend, or doing one of your favourite activities solo or even together means it is not a total waste uf the spark is.nt there, he's really tight, or you can't stand the noise he makes when he eats

Had a long distance relationship for 5 years or so. I paid the costs of going there, he paid the costs of coming here, and we mostly alternated, one weekend a month. We each paid our own petrol costs in our own country (or rail costs till Easyjet changed the flight times, which meant to get a train on Sunday evening, I wouldn't be home till about 2am), which probably meant I paid a bit more, but on the other hand, my car is far more economical. Things like Christmas depended a bit on what invitations we had (and also on-call for work.) It wasn't always an entirely fair split, because he was seriously ill at one point, so I had a short-notice flight over at far more expense than usual, and he couldn't drive for a few months.

For things like holidays, we either went to each other's place and travelled from there (like we did the 5 hours to Berlin from his, and went to Wales from mine), or we chose somewhere we could both fly to, so met at the airport when the later flight came in. We split hotel costs, entrance fees and so on.

Initially, on our first meeting, he was going to be on the spare bed, but we sort of jumped on each other, and it never happened that way... I think though, having the spare room made up and available does taken some of the pressure of expectations off.

But even if we hadn't hit it off like that, I think it would have still been fun just showing him round the area (okay, a morris dancing festival at a nearby town might have been a bit weird for his first visit, but I didn't know it was going on - I was showing him the cathedral...) and I enjoyed discovering his region, too, and we'd spoken enough to each other to know that it was unlikely to be totally uncomfortable - and if it really had been, then I could have decamped to a hotel.

I first met my partner in a third country where neither of us lived, and we ended up getting together. I asked him if he would like to stay in contact afterwards and he said yes but I was kind of thinking I would never hear from him again.

The first weekend I went to him (I didn't want to wait to see if he ever bought tickets to see me!), and made sure that people knew where I was going, what time I should be back, I took the number of the embassy, had an agreement with friends/parents that I would stay in regular contact...etc. I just stayed at his house but I could have taken a cheap hotel in the area if I hadn't been comfortable with that. If you've never met in RL then I would strongly recommend taking a hotel.

We were a little closer than you guys but still in different countries. We saw each other every third weekend, went on holiday together, then I moved a little closer, so we could manage every weekend, and now we are living together and are getting married next year!

So yes, it definitely can work!

I agree with the others that it can work but you do have to consider what you are willing to do ultimately if it works out- one of you would presumably have to move?

My marriage started with a semi long distance relationship- only 2.5 hours by car but with London in the middle. We dated for 3 years seeing each other only at weekends. This did give it a 'holiday' type of feel and it's not one I'd have chosen ideally because you are sort of pushed into seeing each other for 2 days at the weekend and it's not exactly spontaneous.

I was the one to move when we did marry partly because it was theoretically easier for me to change jobs and the move also meant I was closer to my parents which was a bonus. However, it did make me feel resentful at times, years later, because I'd left behind my social network and career at the same time.

My brother tried LD dating a few times- 4/5 hr drives and it didn't work out. I suppose it was always in the back of his mind who would move and it puts subtle pressure on the relationship in some ways, right from the word go.

He also found it quite hard to juggle full time work and then being away all weekend or having someone to stay with him at weekends right from the start of the relationship. In the end they weren't compatible anyway, but he now swears ( he's single) that he won't do LD again.

Just some things for you to think about!

"you do have to consider what you are willing to do ultimately if it works out- one of you would presumably have to move?"

This is very true. I knew I'd be willing to move to his country and vice versa from the very beginning. If either of us had lived in a country the other couldn't picture themselves living in, I don't think we would have started up at all.

Thank you all for your responses, really lovely to read about all the successful LD relationships, it does prove that where there is a will there's definitely a way!

I completely agree in that I wouldn't enter a relationship knowing it would always have to stay as a LD thing. I have no family in the country however and my job is pretty mobile so other than moving the DC there wouldn't be any issues with that long term (and yes, I do realise the move would be a big deal for the DC but people do move all the time right?).

I will definitely be booking a hotel if flying to him, and likely two rooms if we're both meeting somewhere half-way.

Thank you again for your input

Oh yea, OP, the future issue is absolutely hugely important, and whilst you don't really need to worry about it right now, it's definitely something you would need to look into before you got too seriously involved.

Some things to think about:

• Is it an EU country? That would save a lot of time and hassle on visa's, work permits, etc.
• Do you speak the language? Don't expect to get work unless you are pretty much fluent. It's a tough job market, and I've been quite surprised how even international companies demand fluency in at least two or three languages. Not "ability to work in language" - fluency. *Make sure you had a job lined up before moving. Don't expect to "find something" once there.
• Do your respective families speak the others' language? Do not even get me started on this.
• If you would be willing to move, what about your support network back home? What would the schools be like for your kids? Would they have problems with language barriers or are they young enough to learn?
• Would you have anyone to turn to in this other country if things went tits up? Of course you assume that they won't, but in an absolute worse case scenario - could you sort yourself out and leave if needed?
• Would he be willing to move to your country after a few years? It's a compromise. I believe that people have to live in both countries before they can decide (unless you have children and it's Australia because we all know about people getting trapped there).

I think if it feels too awkward to just discuss the costs, then there's not so much of a click!