My mum, narc? Or is she right about me?

[Docmcstuffin]

I'll try to keep it brief as there's a looong history with my mum (I've had some excellent advice on here). I'm a single parent to 2 gorgeous little ones and have a very up and down relationship with my mum..recently she said my eldest (age 4) has experienced 'so much loss in her life and I should be doing blah blah blah'
This came about as DD didn't want to go to nanas house one afternoon after preschool last week. I said she could stay home and just presumed the next day she'd feel like going.

My mums response was 'we'll at 4, they're far too young to know their own minds, I just used to decide for you. You need to be encouraging her to have relationships in the family ' and then came the statement about DD experiencing loss.
DD is happy, confident and bright. Strangely more clingy after spending time with my mum though..

Is it so strange that DD might actually miss me (we're very close) and want to stay with mummy?!! It's so hard..my mum swings between being so supportive and the doting grandmother to coming out with these gems!

Or am I over reacting.....? Thanks x

Just to add that my parenting style is to allow them to make up their own minds about certain things, hopefully to encourage autonomy and the development of healthy self-esteem..not just drag them round like they're an extension of me!

This is sounding rather concerning isn't it? A 4 yo who is clingy after being with grandma, and now doesn't want even to visit her with you in attendance.... That would make me wonder what is so unpleasant at grandma's. Any ideas?

Does your DD separate happily from you for pre-school?

Thanks for replies, DD normally loves going to visit, the older she's getting she seems to like to spend more time with me though.
She is a little shy at fort with new people but fine after a while. Absolutely fine at preschool, never an issue at drop off.
My mum always says what an anxious child she is, but I don't think so!

You have just written the prefect response to your DM yourself;

"My parenting style is to allow them to make up their own minds about certain things, hopefully to encourage autonomy and the development of healthy self esteem, not just drag them round like an extension of me".

All you have to do is send it .

Ha! Yes hold, you're right! I just hate the way I feel like I need t

To justify it!
Is she right on any level..or is it just about parenting style?

You are the parent, not her. You get to make the decisions about your DCs, not her.

She should be supporting you not trying to undermine you or sow the seeds of doubt because you a lone parent.

It sounds like she has taken offence because your DD didn't want to go to her house. It's a bit pathetic of her really.

You'd need to put links to your previous threads for people to have even a clue as to how to answer - and even then, we can only say how it seems from your on line posts.

there just isn't enough information in your first post to begin to answer.

Can you provide links?

Even then, well, it's your turn to be Mother now. Not hers. People do it differently each generation and you're entitled to follow your own opinion, generally. Why is it you find it hard to have confidence in your own view?

I thought it was pathetic too..sort like sour grapes, trying to turn it round on me as DD didn't want to go.

I don't know..my mum is fine for a while, seemingly supportive, but then she always reverts back to type!

I don't think you're overreacting really, just ignore your mum.

fwiw I think my mum's a narc (or not far off it) and her grandchildren hate spending time with her too - because she's always trying to 'control' the way they play and won't let them have fun by playing in an exploratory way.

Don't let her pathologise your dd - all the "she's an anxious child". Most of all, try & protect your dd from it. You don't want her to start believing all your mum's nonsense about herself - especially not at such a young age.

My mum does the same thing - she's always trying to 'diagnose' people who don't agree with her. She's had one for everybody in our entire family at various points. (my DB was 'depressed' because he was trying to cut contact with her, for example). It's her way of rationalising the world as she sees it: "Oh, the way I treat people can't possibly be wrong, it must be that my son has got something wrong with him!"

I agree with Meerka, you should have confidence in your own parenting ability. Your DM is chipping away at that confidence with PA comments.

Your DD didn't want to go to nana's house, you were fine with it, your DM has had her nose put out of joint because your DD has chosen you over her. That's the way it should be because you are the mummy not her.