Is this weird? (Dh as partner/ parent)

[Bringbackcommonsense]

Hi all, have nc.
Posting in relationships not step parenting as I believe that's what my problem is about.
First things first, was not remotely close to being ow, was lp for 8 yrs to ds and feel I know about parenting as much as the average mner (also work with teens so perhaps have a relatively rounded knowledge there, I hope).

Whenever there were "issues" in our blended family dh would automatically blame exw for spoiling dc (dsd, dss), undermining his attempts at discipline and insisting they were to be raised as peers (and therefore no need for her to parent).
While I used to believe this (and yes, she is like that) it's also obvious now that dh is in fact no different. Its impossible for me to know what came first, the disintegration of their marriage and their using their kids as emotional crutches, or their preference to be bffs to their offspring to the detriment of their relationship.
Totally none of my business, however, I'm now experiencing the full force of dh being best buddies with kids and I'm asking myself if exw was equally driven to distraction, or equally guilty (?, seriously trying not to be judgy about parenting differences and have no wish to offend any readers).
I often feel that despite dh constant compliments and v eager sex drive, he needs me to be his mother more... (Both pils still alive, dh grew up v enmeshed with his mum, father away a lot, she had affair, but they're still together). I'm afraid he will never actually grow up and see me as his partner.
Over a year in couple therapy later, I'm now told dsd (17) is a lost cause (?!?) and should just let dh carry on enabling her being mini wife when she visits sporadically ("detach"etc).
Not happy, especially as dsd has a lot of obvious issues she's not getting the chance to work through, but I won't leave dh because of this.
However, he's now started promoting dss, not even 14 yet, to a sort of confidante status. This could be tricky to ignore as dss lives with us 50:50.

My take on this is that dh has mega problems relating to peers (has no real friends, never did) and even though we have loads in common and could have great relationship (btw, I get on fine with dsc, as long as dh is not around to mess up atmosphere) he is effectively pushing me away, sabotaging intimacy by marginalizing my input, putting me on the dsc level, we are basically interchangeable, apart from the bedroom.
Sorry for overlong post, my usual talking to myself ramblings...
Glad to hear from those who have experienced similar situations with their spouses and offspring (bio or otherwise).
Thanks xx

How does he behave with your son? (how old is he?)

He's emotionally lazy, irresponsible, blames others, ignores your opinion and doesn't learn from his mistakes. I think you can waste a lot of your time trying to psychoanalyse why he behaves that way and I think you can waste even more of your time trying to change his behaviour. He's a grown man... this is as good as he gets. If you don't like who he is, your choices are 'tolerate' or 'reject'... not much in between

Hello bringback. I have not got experience of this. It sounds like you have put a lot of effort into trying to work through this re therapy etc.

My gut response is you have replaced his mum, but then later say you are interchangeable with the DSC. His ex wife was in the same role (he's even told you this is the case - you know when people talk about themselves but project it to others) He is using his parental status to mould his children into surrogate friends.

You speak positively about your relationship with the DSC but not with him in your post (I know this is only a snapshot and your take on things but this is what ive picked up on)

I dont think these are healthy relationships. You have worked through a year of therapy - what do you want to happen and how realistic is it?

So basically what you're saying is that he hasn't emotionally progressed beyond being a teenager, which is why he now relates to his teenaged children as peers, and you as his mother.
Is this what you want, to be married to an emotionally stunted "adult" who clearly needs to grow up?

I sympathise btw, I have one similar - he wasn't nearly as bad when he was far away from his own mother but moving back into her sphere has had a deleterious effect on his own maturity. Our DSs are still only little but if he starts any of that "best buddy" peer stuff, then I'll have quite a lot to say about it.

Some parents do want to be their DCs' “best friend.” Your DH should set limits with the DCs. They're not mature adults. Making his DS a confidante, is him telling your DSS they are co-decision makers.

andsmile is spot on with the notion of surrogate friends. "DS will like me more if I’m his friend". That makes a warped kind of sense - if DH lacks friends his own age, he is trying to create his own pals at home.

Perhaps initially DH was trying to raise his DCs in a way that he wished his parents had raised him? Or is he now trying to win top parent status as he did when still married to his ex? He'll end up feeling abandoned once the DCs think for themselves and make their own decisions. DSD is a "lost cause", the same will happen with DSS.

Thanks everybody. Too true...
Yes, I've done my darnedest, no, dh has not matured.
The therapy was to give us a chance, and instead of balancing out the worst, it's simply given dh carte Blanche to carry on with same dodgy parenting with dss.
Nanny How is he with my ds? Well, it took a while for me to meet dsc and see the stark contrast, but interaction with my now 16 year old ds was pretty normal, I'd say. They'd play a bit of sport, watch some DVDs, usual, really.
Cogito summed it up v nicely and much shorter than my ramblings
Tolerating is def over, its ship up or ship out I'm afraid. Luckily I'm financially independent.
andsmile also agree with your take. The kids are fine people, dsd is making herself v scarce. I doubt dss will though, seems he's like his dad, no friends and has limpet tendencies when in same room with dh. Worry more about him, actually.
Donkey all those thoughts run through my head too, that's why we consulted an expert. Feel let down there too. Am I being too nit picky? Should the couple counseler not have been able to pick up on this?