Need strength, and need to keep the peace.

[JackieOHH]

Hi, just looking for some advice on how to deal with my constantly negative, complaining mother.
She has always been ' difficult', in that no matter what I do it's never good enough. She is never grateful, just finds fault.
I don't want to go on, but I will give you a picture..
I'm an only child. Mum and dad been married 58 years, dad died 3 weeks ago. He came home to die, and it was horrendous.
Mum and I supported each other, I'd go up an sit with dad so she could rest etc.
I've done loads of running round and phoning round ( do NOT mind at all, it helps me cope)
She comes over for dinner/ tea once or twice a week. My son (12) adored his grandad and now really feels for grandma. He waits outside for her, helps her in etc, and she's so dismissive of him. My dd (17) is the favourite, no doubt about it and she makes snide remarks if either of us tell dd off whilst she's here, but says nothing if we tell ds off.
I cook, it's too hot, too sweet, too much, not enough...etc.
She's got copd, but yesterday washed her car ( dad spent hours doing it's usually, it's in showroom condition!), then she moaned that it nearly killed her, despite ds saying on Saturday that he would do it!
Occasionally she will thank me for things, but the negativity and the complaining and the passive aggressive shit is really getting me down.
I miss my dad with Every heartbeat yet it's like only she can mourn, no one feels the pain like she does.

In the past when she's done this I've left her alone for a week or so, but now I'm all she's got I can't do that.
We've never really got on, dad used to have to stand between us when I was a teen!!
When dad was around I've put up with her shit cos he would step in and tell me not to speak to her like that ( if I ever dared say something back), but he's not around, and I know if she carries on I'm going to really lose it, but then she won't back down, won't apologise, and that could be the end of that!!

Just really don't know what to do.
Oh, and she will ring me, sigh, and complain that so and so hasn't rung her like they said they would, " see, I told you they'd stop bothering", so why doesn't SHE ring THEM???

Ugh.
Sorry it's long, but it's cathartic to write it all down!

Horrible situation, but my first question is, how old is she? Late 70s?

I think you have to forget keeping the peace and start standing up to her. I know she's grieving but so are you and so are the rest of the family. Grief doesn't give her the right to be unpleasant when others are trying to be kind. You don't have to 'lose it' (although a lifetime of holding your tongue and being told not to challenge her might mean you end up doing that) and you should certainly pick your battles but, if she's being a PITA, deal with her the way you'd deal with anyone else. Your Dad may have been happy enabling the behaviour but your life is going to be miserable if you carry on doing the same thing.

Your mother's main goal is life is to be unhappy and to make everyone else around her unhappy too. Grief is only partly driving her actions now, I note without surprise that she has always been what you describe as "difficult". You have likely always been conditioned not to readily challenge your mother on her many crass comments but you need to certainly do that now. It will be hard to overturn a lifetime's conditioning but she needs to see that there are consequences for her actions. You could stop seeing her as often for a start if she cannot or will not behave at all decently towards you and your children.

I would also start laying down firm and consistent boundaries with regards to your mother (your own boundaries are far too low currently) as she is playing out the golden child/scapegoat dynamic with your own children here. She could well go onto damage their own relationship as a result. That behaviour of hers towards them is exceedingly damaging for your children.

It is of no surprise to me at all that you and she did not get on at all when you were both younger; your late Dad acted as both the buffer between the two of you and bystander. In a straight contest between you and his wife he would choose his wife and always did that. He failed abjectly to protect you from her. His sort of comments to you are actually typical of such bystander men who also acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Now he is not around the gloves are well and truly off from her to you.

I would actually consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread too.

I thank you all, you're all spot on! Nanny she's 78!
I know I have to stand up to her, but I also know she will sulk, and probably never speak to me again. Yes her loss, but it will be hard.

I am sorry for your loss you are obviously missing your DF so much.

Bluntly, your DM may always have been hard work. Being 78 is no excuse.

Now on top of that, bereavement amplifies all the worst things that were bearable before. You seem to be bearing the brunt of this, does your DM have any ongoing close friendships to share her time with?

People like her do turn situations into something that's all about them. You mention her negativity and moaning and PA attitude, I hope I don't offend but some people are happy with something to be unhappy about, almost casting themselves in a victim role.

In the past when she's done this I've left her alone for a week or so, but now I'm all she's got I can't do that.

My DM would wait for people to phone her instead of picking up the phone to chat to them - and then complained that nobody phoned her. I got into phoning her daily and it was a hard habit to break. Sometimers for your own sanity you have to take a step back. You can limit contact without any fanfare.

When she moans be brisk, ask her "Tell me how we can help".

You need not feel guilty when you know you have done what you can to help.

I wonder if you might consider contacting Cruse
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
for your own counselling as they often have a waiting list, it might be a few months before you can see someone.

Ask yourself why you think you "need to keep the peace?"

You do not have to put up with all this shite from your mother. As Atilla has explained so well, you cannot let her damage your children.

Really firm boundaries and reduced emotional and physical contact are what is needed here.

Being your mother does not give her the right to abuse you.

I thought that's how old she'd be.

I doubt she'd never speak to you again - you're all she's got!

I think the fact that she is grieving has exacerbated the worst of her bad traits.

You need to be firm around how she speaks to you about the children now.

Otherwise, I'd give her a little time (it is all so very raw for you both, but she's lost her partner of 58 years and must feel lost) and then lay down some ground rules. And every time she breaks one, gently pull her up on it.

She is also poorly herself and is probably feeling quite frightened of the future.

You have to weigh up speaking to her and the consequences. As you say she will probably not speak to you again and this may be a sad but better outcome than listening and witnessing to her carping on, but not one that you want. If you do decide to speak to her you could do with reading the stuff about Toxic families on MN as it might give you some suitable responses. When I eventually tried to speak to my bullying abusive Father, he just went into 'Poor me mode' and started bawling and sneering, so I stopped. I never went NC with him, solely because he was alone and was my Father, but it was a relief when he died. I suspect that you to are going to either have to grin and bear her behaviour or go NC. As when and if you confront her she is unlikely to roll over and say to you ' you are quite right my darling'

If she sulks and never speaks to you again just because you dare to be assertive, whose loss is that? If she chooses a lonely old age over a loving family prepared to put up with some of her idiosyncrasies, she'd be a fool. You're in a strong position here than you think.... she needs you more than you need her .... use it to your advantage

Again, I applaud the wisdom of mumsnet! You're all so bloody right. Donkeys she's only happy when she's got something to moan about.
As of today I'm just not getting drawn in.
For instance, she's hurt her foot, so went to see dr today, he's sent her for an x Ray. I said let me know what happens. She said ' I see dr again next Monday' but I said ' yes but if it's broken they will sort you there and then, surely?'
Again, trying to appease her, make it better for her.
Yes she's frightened, when dad was dying she said ' I don't want to live without him' and I get that, I do, and in their retirement they became so insular she has 3 friends.
Dads sister lives about an hour away. But she's moving away soon, about 3 hours drive, but she couldn't tell mum! I had to!!
You can imagine how well that went down. Shoot the messenger(!).

I will start to pull her up, but she will never admit she's wrong.
As you said Cog she's more to lose than me.

I've even given her one of my cats to keep her company, ( this cat has stayed there for holidays and is so much happier there than here!) and yesterday she complained as said cat had ( allegedly) taken a dump on the front door step.
I'm not sure it's her as she's a very clean, private cat, but if she did, maybe she was just marking her territory, but she's NEVER done that before.
But of course, I'll never hear ' oh yes the cat and I are very happy', all I will get is ' that cat is fussy, won't eat xyz, you've spoilt her, if she carries on she's coming back' blah fucking blah.