Concerned about my sister's engagement.

[Writerwannabe83]

Twelve months ago my sister left her long term partner of 12 years and after a very rough 6 months managed to find a house to rent where she currently lives.

Two months ago she told me she had just met someone via online dating and was seeing him. As the weeks went by she never mentioned him unless I did and she was always quite vague. I always got the impression she wasn't too fussed about him to be honest. About a month ago I suggested we arrange a meal so me and our parents could meet him but unfortunately I couldn't make it when the time came - however, my parents said he seemed nice.

I met my sister for coffee a few days ago (it has been 4 weeks since introductory meal) and three of our friends came along too. My sister turned up wearing a ring on her engagement finger. I asked her why she wearing a ring on that finger and if she was engaged and she went very red but finally admitted it and said the guy had proposed to her 2 weeks ago.

I'm very close to my sister and I still haven't even met him. None of our extended family have met him and none of our friends have met him. My parents have only met him once at that meal. I feel a little bit uncomfortable that she got engaged to this guy after only having known him for 2.5 months and that nobody else has met him.

She was very cagey about the details of the wedding when I asked her about it but she said they would be moving in together next month.

What concerns me most is that my sister has two children from her previous relationship, one who is 8 and one who is 5. It just doesn't feel right that within 3 months of being introduced to this man they will now all be living together and he will become their stepdad.

How well can my sister really know this man to the point where she is happy to have him living with her children and make such a huge committment to him that affects the children as well as her?

I'm seeing her again tomorrow, just the two of us and I plan to have a heart to heart with her about it all because my instincts are telling me that something just isn't right.

Am I overreacting?
I want to be happy for her but I feel so uneasy about it all.

This is awful for you. I would worry, though that if you say too much you will push her away. I have been too honest in the past.

It's far too early days and very strange to get engaged that soon. Maybe let her do the talking. She must have very, very low self esteem to be in this situation :(

You aren't overreacting. That's a pretty whirlwind engagement by anyone's standards.
Personally I feel the issue is the children. Were she childless it would be her look out if the whole thing went tits up in 6 months but when there are children to be factored in a bit more caution is best!

She does sound as if she is clutching at the first half-decent man to come along and is on the rebound.

Having said that all you can do is say your bit. I suspect that she will be defensive so maybe instead of saying' WTF are you thinking of' the best approach might be to be full of enthusiasm and ask when you can meet him, when do you need to buy your outfit and try to tease out of her why this is all so rushed, rather than going in all guns blazing.

Sometimes whirlwind romances work, but generally it's when no children are involved. I agree that with your sis having young children romances of this ilk are not a wise idea and imo a red flag. As is the fact that she hasn't spoken about him much to you and he hasn't met friends and family in any depth.

What do your/her friends and your parents think?

Has she met his friends and family?

Can they not be engaged but not living together for a while? I would be encouraging her to have an extended engagement and to live separately for at least a year. She needs to slow thigs down for her childrens sake as they are probably still processing their parents split. Do they have regular contact with their father?

My hugs to you, I would be concerned too if this was my sis.

I hope that she and her children are safe and happy.

I don't think you're overreacting. So common for abusive men to sweep a vulnerable lonely woman off her feet that it's almost a cliché. If she's being cagey it's probably because she knows others will disapprove or ask awkward questions and she'd rather not hear it. So you have to resist the 'what the hell are you doing?' approach and try to find out more about what's really going on. Be super-interested in what she knows about him, for example, (and it can't be very much if they've only known each other two months) and insist on meeting him in an enthusiastic way that doesn't suggest you're going to give him the third degree and swab his DNA for a police check...

Oh and as she met him online I would be googling everything I could find about him, so many people put their entire lives online.

Thanks everyone.

The split from the Ex was far from amicable, he was financially and emotionally abusive, he treated my sister and the children pretty horrendously and he was having an affair. The children do see him regularly (he now lives with the woman he was cheating with and her 4 children) but I'm not sure how good the father/child relationships are.

Our friends are just as stunned as me about the engagement. I'm very shocked she hadn't told me as we are very closes. My sister hasn't told my parents about it and I know she will put it off until she really has to tell them. I'm pretty sure she knows what their reaction will be.

She has met his mum and his brother (his dad isn't on the scene) and said they seem nice. He also has a child, a little girl who is 7 - should have said that in my original post really.

Sounds odd to me all moving too quickly.

It will either end as quickly as it started or work out.
Be ready to support her whichever.

Be careful what you say because she is likely to wonder if anything she tells you will be fed back to your parents.

Try to gain her trust and not be too judgemental seems to be what we are all saying.

Given that she has just come out of an abusive long term relationship I would worry that she has stepped into another . These relationships tend to keep happening unless something within the woman is addressed, ie self esteem, an understanding into why they are predatory men and how to avoid them. I always advise newly single mums who have come out of an abusive relationship to do the Freedom Program, so that they have the tools and understanding into the dynamics and psyche of the men that abuse, thus giving them a wide berth.

It may be that your dsis has found a goodun, but only time will tell. She should be using the courtship phase to determine his worth as a life partner.

Can you nudge her onto mn? So that she can access tools if and when she may need them? Just having the annonymous support and guidance may be beneficial to her on some level.

Let's hope he is a goodun for your sisters sake, I am concerned that she hasn't talked more about him to you.

It's almost predictable that there was an abusive relationship previously. It's not to say that the new man is abusive but, in comparison with her ex, the devil himself would look like a kindly alternative. She only had 10 months of independence, probably found it quite tough and this guy - and it's hard not to pre-judge - will seem like the solution to all her problems.

Ultimately, she's a grown woman free to do as she pleases but do keep a very, very careful eye on her children. They are little hostages in this particular drama and, whilst I hope it ends well, they have no choices if it doesn't.

The speed of it all is a concern but also the fact that she isn't shouting the engagement from the rooftops - it suggests that deep down she knows something g isn't right.
However you need to tread very carefully as you risk her cutting you off, which is what this man may want

Your sister is lucky actually to have a sister like yourself in her life and I would also be concerned that your sister has hitched herself up to yet another Loser bloke.

They still hardly know each other after such a short period of time and his actions to date could be construed as moving things along far too quickly for his own ends. Some abusive men do target single mums with children, she could well have been targeted here because of her own innate vulnerability after walking away from an abusive relationship.

Thank you everyone.

The problem I have is that my sister is a very secretive person. The only way I found out about how bad things were with her Ex was when I randomly visited her one day and out if the blue she told me she was leaving him. I won't go into detail about how much of a shit he was but she'd been very good at pretending to us all that things were fine.

It's never good that she does this as who knows what else she is hiding or what is really going on in her life.

It's the fact she never talks about him or had never introduced him to us that makes me think something is amiss. My experience of being with someone you love is that you never stop going on about them and you want the world and his wife to meet them so you can show off how amazing they are. Or is that just me?

I could well imagine she's clinging onto him as a life line and some stability for her and the children but it really worries me. You shouldn't try and secure your future happiness on a guy you don't know.

I'm very interested in meeting him which I'm going to suggest.

Is she secretive because she has so little confidence in herself and her decisions that she is afraid of being shot to pieces if she opens her mouth?

Are you the bigger, bossier, more capable older sister? I mean that kindly!

Longer term she needs your help to build up her self esteem.
She needs you to go in saying 'you are such a fabulous person, I'm sure that you will make the right choices for you and your kids.' The more you or anyone tries to take the little power she feels she has away from her, the more she will withdraw and stick to her guns.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship, you're probably not familiar with the complex dynamic that results in the victim keeping secrets. There's a lot going on.... fear, misguided ideas of love and loyalty, 'keeping the family together for the kids'... and there's often a strong urge to defend the partner and a huge reluctance to admit it's going wrong. Some women have the idea that it's shameful or selfish to call time, even when there is abuse present.

I get the impression you're quite a strong person with high self-esteem and confidence? You have probably met as many abusive men as your sister but the difference is that you'd probably show them the door early rather than give them a second chance.

Did you like her ex?

I think the reason she kept so quiet about her Ex was because she knew the family didn't like him. She'd left him before, about 4 years ago because of how he treated her and that he was having an affair but he managed to talk her round and about 6 months later they got back together. As a family we were all disappointed but knew she had yo make her own decisions.

I think she was worried we would all say, "I told you so..."

I am the younger sister, but yes, admittedly I was always seen as the 'Golden Child' as we were growing up and even now as adults I think she feels a lesser person than me in the eyes of the family. Me and my sister were always very close though, there was never any resentment and we really are best friends. I can absolutely understand why she'd have confidence issues based on our childhoods and she has recently started seeing a Councellor for anxiety and CBT.

The thing is, she really, really is a fabulous person.

Her Ex was a total bastard!!

I haven't liked him for many, many, many years. I'd tolerate him for my sister's sake but I couldn't bear him. He made my skin crawl.

Exactly... she kept quiet because she already sees herself as inferior, knew she'd made a mistake and didn't want to endure the family saying 'we never liked him'. People like that tend to go on the defensive and close ranks rather than open up. Makes them vulnerable and easily isolated. Also makes them anxious to prove that they can get it right.... hence, I suspect, why she's so keen to marry the new guy.

It's a bit of a guess but I think it's likely that her ex will have used your family's dislike of him as an excuse for bad behaviour. 'If they didn't look down their nose at me so much, I wouldn't be so angry' or similar. Might explain her reluctance to introduce the new guy

So try to keep an open mind about the new man and, as a PP said, do whatever you can to build her confidence rather than judge.

Your post makes a lot of sense cogito - thank you.

I can understand why you're worried but I just want to say that a quick engagement is not necessarily a sign of a problem relationship. I was in a ten year abusive relationship which I left at Christmas. The following June I did some OD and met future DH. Two months after we met we got engaged and we married the following June. We've just celebrated out first wedding anniversary and the birth of DD. Our relationship apart from it's speed is the most healthy relationship I've ever had. I realise my experience may not be typical and you're right to be looking out for your DSis but it is possible that their relationship is ok and will go the distance.