dad left after 40 years

[marmitemonkey]

I'm reeling in shock as today my parents marriage has ended after my mum accidentally discovered my dad has been having an affair. This is a complete and utter shock. The way my dad has acted is nothing like the dad I knew, loved and respected. My mum is in bits, my 18 month old son idolised his grandad. He has gone back to our original home city 3 1/2 hours away and I've not seen him since before I went on holiday last week when all seemed fine and happy.

I'm angry, sad, confused and just have no idea what to do. I'm keeping it together for my mum but we were always such a close family and this is completely out of character.

I guess I'm using here as an outlet just to get it out as I'm trying myself in knots trying to understand.

its his birthday tomorrow and I don't know what to do. We would have usually spent it together as a family. I feel very sad that our family life has been changed forever by his actions and decisions.

That's a shame for everyone.

It's so raw, I don't think you need to wish him a happy birthday tomorrow if you don't want to. Over time you will get used to this new reality but bloody hell that's a shocker.

The main person to focus on is your mum (your 18 month old is unlikely to be that devastated by not seeing his grandad for a few weeks). Can you spend tomorrow doing something with her so she doesn't spend the whole day thinking about his birthday?

Thinking of you, OP - what a dreadful shame.

Thank you for your kind words. Raw is exactly what I feel. I'm already spending the day with mum tomorrow. Unfortunately timing is bad as it is also the anniversary of my grandma's death (mum's) who we were very close to.

Amazing how much life can change in one day and one persons actions can cause so much hurt.

God - just a day to try and get through, then. How long ago did your grandma die?

Is it just you and your mum or do you have siblings?

Agree with tribpot to spend the day with your mum. She isn't going to be able to help herself thinking that it's his birthday, this will be raw for her too and moreso as she lived with him.

He's had an affair. It's a bad thing to do but he's still your dad, still your son's granddad and, unless your mum or your dad decrees otherwise, still her husband.

Your dad's actions in moving away so far and so fast seem to be a bit 'kneejerk'. He's probably in shock too, albeit the circumstances are of his own choosing. The landscape may change in a few weeks as realisation sets in and it dawns on both he and your mother that they have choices and decisions to make. Is the affair still continuing do you know, or has discovery put an end to it?

Of course you'll be reeling yourself but this is about their marriage and I'd be cautious in allying yourself at this point. You love them both and nothing will have changed in their feelings for you although their focus will have shifted whilst they deal with the aftermath of the affair.

Support your mum tomorrow, it's going to be a double-whammy for you both but her future must seem very shaky to her right now whereas yours is unchanged. I'd advise you to make no rash decisions right now, things will become clearer as the days pass.

Thank you just someone listening and responding is so comforting.

I'm unable to sleep and in tears again. My grandma died 14 years ago but it is still very raw. We think he has gone to be with the person who he is having the affair with. He used to go away to work back in our home city for 2 weeks out of every month and during this time has been building a secret life for the past 18 months with absolutely no idea on our part. I don't know how long this would have gone on for if he hadn't been caught out. He's been having the best of both worlds.

I have a sister who is coming tomorrow she is self employed and needed to sort out her business to be able to get away as she cannot afford to lose the money.

I know he is still my dad but iit's going to take time for me to want to speak to him. I feel like the dad I know has died and been replaced with this stranger. I know with time things will change but I feel the need to emotionally support my mum who has just had the biggest shock of her life. I'm also scared as I have just started to feel myself after a horrible time with pnd - I guess the shock of it all has made me feel vulnerable and I don't want to start on the slippery slope to depression again.

Thanks again for listening

If you can try to think of this as something between you mum and dad. It need not reflect on your daughter-father relationship. You simply don't know what has gone on over 40 years between your parents. I know families where this has happened and one party looks like the 'bad 'un' then when more skeletons come out of the cupboard it's not quite so straightforward.

Maybe your dad was unhappy for decades but stayed with your mum for your sake? Maybe she had an affair years ago? Maybe things have gone on about which you know nothing. Maybe your mum suspected for a long time but chose not to say or do anything?

I know an old friend's parents split like this and all the sympathy was with the wife- until it came to light that she was a secret drinker, an alcoholic who had made his life a misery. Not saying that is your situation but am saying don't be too quick to take sides.

I know this doesn't excuse the affair and it's a shock, but they are adults and have to live with their own behaviour and choices.

You sound quite young?
Is your dad around early 60s? If so then both he and your mum have maybe 20 years ahead of them to meet new people and have a new life- your relationship with your dad will find a new level if you can step back a bit.

Really sorry to hear that. I hope you are ok and getting through it.

My DH's parents got divorced after a long marriage and MILs affair. Having seen what he had gone through I'd say as well as caring for your mum you need to give yourself so time to grieve, and to think about what you would like both of your relati

Pinfrocks.. agree wholeheartedly with you

Sorry - pressed too soon.

Think about what you would like your future relationships with both parents to be like once the dust has settled. My DH quickly lost his normal level of contact with his Mum which he regrets, and his Dad became overly emotionally dependent on him and still is four years later. I say this now because it was action taken in the early days that set these patterns that are now hard to break.

I hope that isn't upsetting, and wish you lots of luck.

Oops didnt finish.. Ive been thorough exactly what OP describes

Spot on rollermum

Your mental health is a priority here too. Did you have support whilst you were dealing with PND? Can you access this again to make sure you keep on an even keel?

I think you need a talk with your Dad. That may bring some understanding, whether it cements your view if him as a bad guy or whether makes you see why he did it, it will help bring some closure.

You can't go on like this, not knowing the truth.

The same thing happened in my family. We all used to be really close, then one day my Mum just upped and left after 40 odd years of marriage. I was 26 and my brother was 21 at the time, it was a total shock to everyone, I felt like my Mum was a stranger and it was (and still is 15 years later) very weird to hear my Mum talking about all these people from my now step dad's family who I do not know.

It will take you time to come to terms with the new reality. I still feel sad sometimes that me and my DD do not have the kind of closeness with my Mum and Dad that I expected we would. I used to imagine family holidays with my Mum, Dad, me, DH and DD, obviously this has not happened. Christmas and Birthdays were initially very difficult but these get easier, you just need to give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with it.

I just want to add another side to this.
My parents- married for over 60 years- do not get on.
When I visit them it is very stressful. They argue all the time, eat separately, sleep separately, have separate friends and social lives and so on. When I see them I end up having the same conversation twice- with each of them in different rooms. On top of that my mum gets jealous because my dad is talking to me but rarely talks to her.

My mum thought about divorcing my dad when they were 70 and decided she could not face the upheaval and financial fall out- they are not at all well off anyway.

We have rarely had Xmas together in the 30 years I've been married- partly from our choice not to travel a long distance, but also because my dad didn't want to come and my mum didn't want to leave him- sense of loyalty even though they argue non-stop and I know she is unhappy.

So just because parents stay together doesn't mean it's all rosy and wonderful.

Sorry if this a kind of hi-jack but don't think that all families where parents are married are happy ones.

Pinfrock is right. I am very sorry you are so raw. Much as it would be simple to apportion blame to one side, neither of them may be at fault more than the other. Perhaps you should reserve judgement until you have also heard your Dads side. I have two friends, both married for over 40 years. Both of them should leave their miserable unhappy marriages but they can't. One because of the finances and two because of fear of the unknown. It takes some guts to leave after 40 years. Sad as it is for you to contemplate things must have been really difficult for your Dad before he took this awful decision. He should have thoroughly discussed it with your Mum though as it is very very cruel, just to leave. I would be asking the question ' what was it about his marriage made him do this after 40 years?