Please help me draft a response to OD message

[MandyAnnePandy]

I'm in my 40s and feel I have a sensible, thick skinned approach to OD, so I'm not after guidance, just help with writing a response.

Situation is that I met a really nice man via OD and we've had a couple of dates. We both accept that we haven't got any massive spark/chemistry between us but we did have some (although there's not been any kissing or hand holding); we also really enjoyed each others company. We're both still openly chatting with other people online.

After the last date, when neither of us made any attempt to progress things in the passion department, I concluded that he was just not that into me and sent him a nice message telling him that, and wishing him well blah blah blah. He replied saying he'd wanted to kiss me but hadn't felt confident enough and has now hinted at another date.

I'd like to see him again, but I don't want to be just someone he passes time with until little Miss Sparky comes along. Draft me a response to his date proposal, please.

Don't know about the message but I think you are spending too much time trying to second-guess what he wants and not enough on what you want.

Apologies if I have misunderstood your OP but to me it seems a bit odd to message someone to tell them you don't think they are that into you (or words to that effect). I wouldn't want someone trying tell me how I feel!

As you want to see him again how about replying saying something like "I'd like to see you again too. I'm free next Weds or Thurs. Do you fancy X restaurant?"

Good luck. I hope you have a good time and the spark grows.

Yep, agree with egghead.

Try to put what you think he's thinking to one side and base your next move solely on what you want to happen.

Assuming he does fancy you but is just a bit backwards in coming forwards then you decide wether his hesitancy is something you can deal with or not.

At the moment it sounds like you weren't particularly into him but would be willing to give it a go if he could demonstrate that he fancies you. Which is a bit of a daft way to make a decision IMO.

If you want to see him, reply in a way that demonstrates that without trying to get in his head/force him to disclose his feelings (again)/getting too analytical about it all. It's too early for all of that.

And you can't demand he decide whether he's into you or not before you continue (well, you could but it would be inappropriate), you're both in the very early stages of dating and the whole point of seeing each other is to get to know if the other person is someone you would want to be with or not. But that's a gradual thing.

Right now it's one date at a time - there's no commitment other than the decision to go for the next date.

I met my DP OD, I was convinced he didn't fancy me and it seemed a very slow burner. Turned out he's a bit shy and very respectful. Two yrs on we have a baby and things are fab

Thanks for your replies.

I suppose I'm worried about getting hurt; worried that I'll be just someone he passes time with whilst he waits for someone he really fancies to come along. Realise this is saying far more about me, than about him.

Note to self: toughen up!

No not "toughen up" more "give yourself a break!"

He likes you, go for it!

You're right ironinglady. I'm overthinking this, aren't I?

Do YOU like him? Would YOU like to kiss him? Do you see this going further?

You are trying to air tight your connection with him before either of you knows how you're feeling. You seem scared of rejection, or rather you think you can prevent rejection by over thinking.

I think you need to worry less about having a thick skin and be prepared to be vulnerable to some extent, as that's one of the only ways two people can ever work out whether they are right for each other.

aurynne Yes, yes, really not sure.

Zill I'm not used to dating and I've just tried to be relaxed and light and fun and not get involved in any conversations about feelings or exes or the future.

Just go along on another date and make sure you snog him this time! Then fly back to your castle this thread and take stock.

Ok, from someone who has done a fair bit of OD.

I don't like the sound of this guy AT ALL. I would strongly recommend you just detach, throw him back in the pond.

I agree it can be nervewracking to make the first move, etc, etc, and I don't agree with traditional gender roles, instigated the first kiss with the chap I love etc...

BUT....it looks to me like he's trying to goad you into chasing him, doing all of the work and the reassuring?

Why not just "arrange" another date if he's on the fence? A drink, two hours and if there's no chemistry then so what?

Instead, it's like he wants YOU to guarantee you are "up for it" in terms of physical contact before you meet again, like he's so precious his time and the price of his round of drinks aren't worth investing if you don't guarantee Base One. FFS.

I did date a guy who was like this, for a month, and like yours, rather than just "arrange to meet and see what happens" he needed reassurance beforehand. Although an Ok catch on paper, he lacked generosity and social skills - eg he'd suggest a night out and then change it to "let's just stay in at mine and you can do some of the cooking, because that's "true intimacy"". Essentially, he was very passive-aggressive and wanted a mother figure not a partner.

To add a bit: of course it's fine for him to feel nervous, lack confidence etc.

But saying it directly sounds like a cop-out, like he is going "right, I don't need to make any effort now, because I've said it, so she'll take the hint and lead socially."

I know men who are shy/quiet and make great partners. I'm introverted myself.

I've NEVER met a man who has DECLARED himself "shy" or "quiet" who hasn't actually meant "I'm really fucking socially unskilled lazy and want the woman to coddle me"

Why not just go: "let's meet for a coffee/dinner on such and such a day"?

I suppose that is possible Casio but he said those things in response to the OP saying she didn't think he was interested. He didn't just come out with them. I don't see much evidence from what's written here that he's trying to get the OP to do all the chasing.

Hope you go for another date, OP!

Casio - erm...I suspect there may be a bit of projecting in your post. The OPs man sounds very different to yours.