Wheel just fell off divorce negotiations - need support!

[Murphee]

Married 7 years. Husband changed when we began living together - no longer wanted sexual relationship (despite which dd 2.9)after trying to make work, including couples therapist (am therapist myself ha, ha!)finally asked for divorce this spring. We agreed to be amicable in negotiations. Husband wanted clean break re maintenance at 20 years, I agreed figures on this basis. He also asked that any proposals I had I spoke to him directly about so he didn't hear it from the lawyer (he is a lawyer!). Did this. At 11pm on Friday as I was going to bed he handed me a new letter from his lawyer to mine (that my lawyer had already received and my husband had worked out 9 days previously) stating that he was changing the basis on which he wanted settlement, including a request that I sign a document stating that I will make no requests for further monies and will agree to cease payments if I cohabit. I had prior to this verbally agreed not to make any claims on a lucrative investment he has made. He as subsequently said that if we do not agree it will have to go to court. I am incensed that he could not treat me with the same level of respect that he expects for himself - I am crying with despair that I trusted him as I write this. Am I being reasonable ? - can't work it out for myself, feeling too emotive.

Murphee, in order for this to be a negotiation both of you have to be involved. It sounds pretty much as if he makes the decisions and you have to oblige. I think you have the right re-open the negotiations stating what it is that you want. Get your lawyer to respond to this changes and make sure you up your stake. It sounds as if he will continue to push the boundaries.

Good Luck, I hope you can get this sorted out.

oh murphee

he is being a bully.

he doesn't want it to go to court (no one in right mind would least of all a lawyer) he is just threatening you so that you'll do as he says.

work out if these new stipulations are things that you do or should care about. if not, go with it, fuck it, that's part of it being over.

if they are, say no. stand your ground. don't let his infantile behaviour get you down. you're nearly out of the woods and you're going to be so much better very soon.

if you want to call, do.

Thanks Funky. You are absolutely right. It has been hard to hang on to that though while I am feeling punch drunk. Why am I surprised at his behaviour? - this leopard has not changed his spots. Have emailed my solicitor and will call in the morning. Right now I have no trust or respect for my husband and I wonder where that leaves us for the future, we still have a child.

Sophable, can't call, too emotional, will just rant and it isn't doing me any good.

go for walk? go do something that will take your mind of him.

you won't have to deal with him except for dd and he will behave in that respect i'm sure. you just need to get through the next couple of months. and you will.

[hug]

Murphee, unfortunately you are divorcing your husband and can never divorce the father of your child. (unless he signs away rights to her). It is terrible, and I'm whishing you all the best, do not get involved in negotiations with him directly, do it through your lawyer only, that way you won't need to face him and he can't intimidate you.

Good Luck.

You need to separate out how you feel about his behaviour and how you feel about his offer. If his offer is reasonable, deal with it all through your lawyers but agree to it. If his offer is not reasonable then don't agree and again let your lawyer deal with it.

In my experience (of parents divorce) its a mistake to mix up your disillusionment with your partner to muddy the setllement waters, if you see what I mean.

Its a nice idea to have an amicable divorce but difficult in practice. he has probably just realised that he is dependent on your word to stick to the agreement you made. What if you marry again and your new DH says - hey I've got a great idea lets claim on the investments your ex made. WHo knows how you will feel about it then, he's probably just realised that he doesn;t want to be at the mercy of any future relationships you may have.

I'm really sorry you're havong such a hard time. I hope things improve once you have a financial setllement agreed.

sj - feeling strangely calmernow myself - here's how: thought sophable was right and I should go for a walk but before logging off checked out the Overeaters Anonymous website to discover no meeting for miles so instead went downstairs and ate the following:

half a packet of fresh prawns (only because otherhalf eaten last night); slice of bread slathered in humous; large chunk of cheese and an apple and, saving the best till last, a very large helping of mint choc chip ice cream - only stopping when I did because there was none left.

Has worked brilliantly in the moment but if I carry on like this I'll be going from a 16 to an 18 and it won't be the first time.

SJ and Funky, I do hear what you say - thank you. Sophable, goes without saying!

As your own lawyer will probably tell you, in cases where there's such a young child, the presumption is that the wife will get at least nominal if not substantial spousal maintenance until the child is 16 or so. In the courts which I practice in (Oxford & Reading, mainly), the District Judges almost never grant a clean break on spousal maintenance when the kids are young. Having said that, the usual triggers for the maintenace are to stop are the wife's remarriage, death or cohabitation for six months. I'm sure your own lawyer will be able to reassure you.

Mine was the same. We negotiated a deal at home and then he went and upped it. I had to pay him nearly £900k for a clean break (I earn more) and he doesn't pay or help with the children. Divorce law is so unfair.

You will need when you reach agreement a consent order sealed by the court even if you just reach agreement with him. There does not have to be a court hearing.

What I did when he upped his offer first it was too high when I thought of the legal costs of that (I had to pay both side's legal fees, concentrates the mind...) compared with the sum in dispute. Then we negotiated it down a bit and I just had to live with it.

You MUST see a lawyer. If you have a maintenance order from him I thought leglaly you could always vary it which is why many lower earners get a nominal order such as £1 a month so that when their ex suddenly doubles his or her income they can put in a claim for much more. I thought the only way your husband could be free of future SM was pay yo uenough of a lump sum now for a clean break.

I should read my postings before I press send!! I don't mean death for six months!!

mumble - aah, but you made me laugh! and I already feel as though I'm dead (knackered) most of the time. Thanks for legal advice.

Xenia, ouch! Divorce seems to be horrible all round and your story and that of suejones has helped me see it from different points of view.

I have every sympathy and your food intake doesn't seem so terrible to me...

My parents divorce was a nightmare and I had to adjudicate (through lawyers), imagine if you can, unravelling 40 years of marriage and throw in a whole heap of bitterness. I can't say they are now friends (in fact dont even speak) but they are both happy and have both moved on in different ways.

If they can come out the other side, anyone can.

i'd take him to the cleaners. make him wish he hadn't upped the stakes...

murphee

he will want to go to court a whole lot less than you do.

If he is looking to negotiate a better deal for himself-then you must start again look at what there is in terms of capital and what you need in terms of income and set this out. If you know what you want, your solicitor will be able to advise you as to what is reasonable and obtainable.
I suspect that the large investment is important to him-and he will want to ring fence this -just bring it back into the negotiations. you do after all have a claim upon it.

Stay calm-be methodical about it and don't let him phase you-this will ruffle his feathers much more than any knee-jerk reaction.

I know this is hard-but don't let him grind you down.

hth

warty - am giggling - thank you!
chip - does help, the more rational, think it through type of responses I get the more level headed I become - thank you.

Took legal advice this morning. I am told not to sign anything waiving rights as this is not reasonable or enforceable. Ladies, it turns out that the request to waive rights came directly from my husband (he has owned it) and not his divorce lawyer. MY HUSBAND IS A PARTNER IN A TOP CITY LAW FIRM. I am incandescent. I so badly need to let this go. I am incredulous that I am always so surprised at his behaviour. I very badly want to murder the f***r but I know I have to get a grip and be rational. On the other hand we have made an appointment this evening to discuss my lack of trust and respect for him and how this will impact our parenting. More wise words please, I really need to hear them!

Oh Murphee sorry to hear about this roller coaster of a ride...I have a very good friend who is going through similar to you where her DH keeps moving the goal posts when it suits him...and he just doesn't get why she gets so emotional.....Good luck with it all....stick by your guns and make him speak only to your lawyer....in other words don't trust the ** (fill in at your leisure !!!)

Why on earth are you going to a 'meeting' (what sort of meeting?) to discuss your perceived failings?? Tell him to sod off.

Sorrell,

At my request, because we have a two year old, if he doesn't even hear where I am coming from then my anger is just going to fester - then it will impact on her. I don't expect him to do anything different. I just need to be heard. My fear is that I will descend into abuse.

We still live in the same house.

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Amanda,

We are both using 'magic circle' firms. The partner looking after me immediately threw water on the fire on Monday morning but she had been away at a conference before that. Obviously your friend must not be pushed into moving home, not doubt it would be a place cheaper than she is entitled to! Does she need a recommended law firm? The meeting on Monday night was to deal with the emotional fall out and actually went very well. At first my husband was defensive and said he couldn't see why I was so angry/distressed but I made it clear that nevertheless I was and if we wanted to make a good job of parenting the future we needed to resolve it. He went of for a while but when he came back he said that he could see why I would be angry but that it wasn't his intention (probably slipping back into work mode - his aggressive stance has made him very successful)and that he was very sorry. He has agreed to play it whatever way I want going forward. Time will tell if this is actually the case and I am still hurt and mistrustful but in the here and now we are both in a better place. It was good that we changed things around but it would have been enough just to be heard by him, there hasn't been much of that during our marriage.