Does your dh /partner stand up for you?

[Twentyfifty]

Mine doesn't. He hates confrontation and was raised to be polite always and ever. Today, I had to tell someone off for being very careless and rude (a stranger in town) and the other person started having a go it me. I was just about able to hold my own but got increasingly frustrated as the person kept talking at me. Dh didn't say a word to support me.

I have to say that this really upset me. Is this normal or do people generally stand up for each other?

Disclaimer: I was raised to intervene and back my friends / loved ones up.

My ex was a spineless runt and once let his lovely chav of a sister assault me. On another occasion this horrible man who worked for him shouted at me and leaned over aggressively (he was hideously drunk). Very threatening both times.

What was the incident? What had the other person done and what was their rant at you about? He sounds a bit spineless but it's hard to imagine what went on without knowing more.

No my DH doesn't stand up for me. It hurt to begin with but I've realised that I'm more than capable of looking after myself so I have no expectations from him now. He hates confrontation too and I cope with it far more adeptly than he does.
TBH it's not the be all and end all, we have a great relationship otherwise.

Don't want to sound rude, but if you ave children how is he going to help protect them if someone was verbally abusing them. And yes he definitely should have back you up. You ment to support and love one another in a relationship. My partner always goes for to great lengths for me even when it don't concern him nor do I ask if it. I couldn't give someone all my support and then when I need it I get nothing back. That's just a one way street and it needs to be balanced. It's nothing to do with how your raised about being polite, you can still say something politely to support you.

Although saying that early in our marriage I had a life changing meeting with my DM that led to me going no contact for the last 17 years. My DH didn't defend me during that very painful confrontation and it took me many years to fully forgive him.

My DH does - my dad didn't stand up for my mum when she was yelled at by her MIL (my dad's mum) because my father was trained to be obedient.
But then my dad doesn't stand up for himself either. My brother is like my dad - doesn't stand up for himself at all.

I don't like confrontation but I don't like being brow beaten so if I am in a difficult situation I do stand up for myself.

Expecting someone to be assertive simply because they are male and have a female companion is not going to happen. Assertive people are assertive because they are assertive!

I am one of those people who interferes / stands up to be counte, depending upon how you see it. I used to get very hurt when friends at school wouldn't stick up for me in the same way as I would for them. At an older age I was disappointed that boyfriends wouldn't.

I guess now I just accept that I'm quite at one end of the Speaking Out spectrum. I accept the fact that my partner isn't. I also think that I need to take responsibility for my own choices, and the fact that my partner prefers a quiter, safer life.

To be honest, I think that the main thing is the issue just doesn't really come up much.

Probably a bit too much!

He is very protective and jumps to my defence the second somebody is rude to me. I sometimes tell him I can stand up for myself but that I appreciate his support.

Thank you for all the interesting responses! For a minute I thought, that's it, it's over. It felt almost a bit humiliating that he didn't come to my aid. The incident wasn't vey exciting, just a cyclist who nearly run me over.

Dh is absolutely not assertive, not towards, me not towards anyone. I'm really fed up with it.

I haven't been in a confrontational situation that would need my DP sticking up for me but I know he would make sure nobody harmed me physically or mentally. But he is a laid back kind of person so would be quite non-confrontational which I prefer as I don't like a fuss.

And I would stick up for him - a bit like Vivacia Im not exactly a shrinking violet but try to be polite, I hope.

I personally don't enjoy being "rescued", it annoys me.

Yes. 100%. He may have his failings but he will always back me up and support me.

My ex never did. Without outing myself, the reason we broke up was him remaining close friends with a man who assaulted me.
My DH however is always on my side and I know will always stand up for me. It's one of the many reasons I love him so much. I'm capable of holding my own, but it's comforting knowing there's someone who has always got my back.

twentyfifty I wonder if your DH hasn't been put to the test, so to speak.

When push comes to shove, sometimes the person comes into their own in a crisis. The situation you described with the cyclist... Maybe it was annoying, a mistake on the part of the cyclist and they didn't mean any harm, they were careless, but not maliciously trying to harm you.

Maybe your DH would have defended you if the circumstances were much more serious?

Yes
But usually having done the patronising to me now then, motioning of hands in flapping manner and pushing me to one side

There is a difference between backing up and taking over ....

I hope he would if it was important, but if I want to eg complain in a shop he gets embarrassed and undermines me. It really winds me up!

Daisychain maybe you are right. I hope you are.

Absolutely he would, wouldn't be with him & Couldn't respect him otherwise

Yes, he has done and I know he always would. Not that I need him to, because I have quite an explosive character and can stand up for myself. But it makes me feel loved and cared for that he also supports me and wouldn't let anyone abuse me or scream at me without intervening (as I wouldn't let anyone do it to him either!). I could not have a partner who did not do it, to be honest.

Mine would no matter what, as I would for him. We may disagree occasionally in private but in public we stand together always.

He does.

Exes didn't. A big part of letting myself get intimate with DP was knowing that he would do. I was single for a long time after my last ex. Standing up for me became a must in a partner. I stayed single because I wasn't accepting anybody who wouldn't.

On the contrary, I had to nip it in the bud when we first got together. DH would go into protective mode, I certainly don't require that and he's learnt to step back unless I ask for help.

Yes, he does.

He had a twattish mate who hated me for some undiscovered reason. Twattish mate (TM) tried on numerous occasions to shit stir between us and it didn't work. TM then tried to claim that I'd said something bad to his GF and thenceforth ban me from their house and their lives. DH refused to believe it and told TM to get a grip. They didn't speak for a couple of years but eventually had a tentative reunion.

Cue TM behaving in exactly the same way towards me and by extension DH. We were meant to go to his wedding last year but his behaviour was so awful that DH made the decision not to go. They haven't spoken since and DH says he's happier for it.

I was pleased that he'd stuck up for me but ultimately I was glad he'd got shot of his toxic friend.