How can I stop being judgemental?

[mehwhatevs]

I've recently split up with my partner. Apparently I made my partner feel very judged throughout our relationship. I grew up with a highly judgemental mother and realise that I am turning out the same way.
I desperately don't want to be this way.
Any tips on how to be a better person please?

What sort of thing are you judgemental about?

You could try cognitive behavioral therapy.

What did you judge him about?

We had differing beliefs on everything, religion, money, the world in general, medicine, science etc. I think every time I expressed an opinion she (we're gay) felt belittled. I feel like such a dick.

Well, it might be that you're overly judgemental, or it might be that you and she were just incompatible.

There are ways of expressing differences of opinions without being critical of the other persons standpoint.

But then some people will always feel 'judged' if you disagree with them.

To be honest the things you've talked about are the sort of things where I have very fixed ideas and if I met someone who disagreed with me (and I have) then I could imagine they'd feel judged too...

I suppose, what I'm getting at, is that it might just be an unhappy coincidence that your mother was judgemental and your ex feels judged, when in fact, your mother might have been genuinely judgemental, and you and your ex might just have disagreed on some very fundamental things that you feel strongly about.

If you met someone who shared your viewpoint, then they wouldn't feel judged. Would they?

Good point FolkGirl, thanks, although I'm sure there are ways I can be nicer about things. I'll have a look at CBT and anything else the internet throws up that might make me kinder.

To elaborate...

My exH felt I judged him. I didn't. But we did differ on some things where we were fundamentally very different. In the early days of being together, the differences just seemed like something we could overcome, but as time went on...

so...

He plays video games; goes to Subway and McDonalds; is quite right wing in his political views...

When he was playing video games, I'd be practising musical instruments; I'm a vegetarian and eat organic when I can; and am very left wing in my political views.

He always felt that I judged him and thought I was better than him. I felt my choices were better than his, that's why I made them! But I didn't feel I was better than him for having made them. IYSWIM.

I don't think my choices are any 'better' than anyone else's, just different

OP - do you have any specific examples to give us?

FWIW I find the older I get, the less judgemental I get iyswim? There's a person underneath all their choices, the sum of that person has often contributed to their choices.

My DM was/is a very cold person and we didn't have a fantastic childhood, she's quite a judgemental person too. My biggest hurdle was trying to have empathy for her rather than anger. I seem to manage it naturally with everyone else I meet in my life, DM took a lot more doing

I chose not to be like her somewhere along the way, but she's who she is.

Maybe 'different' is more accurate.

Or 'better for me' rather than 'better' objectively.

Oh, and DH and I make often very different choices about stuff, despite being fundamentally very similar in character. Sometimes, it helps to see the positive in the trait that you dislike or 'judge'?

I hate the fact DH never tidies up after himself, however that means that he would never, ever miss up an opportunity to play with the DC or phone his family or spend time with friends, I can be guilty of having to have everything 'done' first. Which is ridiculous really, who cares?

Silly example I know

Thanks. I don't want to give specifics as she may read this and I don't want to rehash stuff.
I think we both made different choices for our lives and both felt our choices were right. We were both quite strong minded about our choices and didn't really feel supported by the other one in our decisions. I think the main difference was that many of my choices are more mainstream than hers and therefore I could turn elsewhere for support about my choices whereas she was much more limited.
Doesn't excuse my not supporting her enough though. I should have focused less on being right (in my opinion) and more on being supportive.

I felt my choices were better than his, that's why I made them! But I didn't feel I was better than him for having made them. IYSWIM.

I can totally relate to this. Thank you for eloquently putting what I have felt on occasions

Sorry OP, the only thing I can add is that tone, more than words, actually impacts more on people. This I learnt after some very brutally frank and loud heart to hearts. I apparently have a particular tone. I enunciate more clearly and "go posh" when providing reasons as to why I have certain views. Possibly as I feel if someone is questioning my views they don't think that much of me and so get defensive.

I have a few strategies now from CBT where I try and breathe in and out twice before uttering a word and then try to think "no they are not attacking me (yet) so slow and calm voice" then actually reply "well the reasons for my choices are xyz, what are your reasons?"

Not saying you have the same trait as me, but it may be the presentation of the choices that causes people to get defensive and then you to respond then judging to be considered happening ......

I dunno, there's a thin line between being opinionated and articulate, and being judgemental.

My mum is very judgemental, but I feel sorry for her sometimes as she is very clever and confident and just cannot see that the way she tells people how to live etc pisses them right off. She genuinely can't see why they wouldn't thank her for her helpful advice. It is maddening!

I often have judgemental thoughts, but I've trained myself not to voice them in any way that my mum would. Occasionally DP says 'you sound like your mum' and I think shit, I'll tone it down.

It's ok to think oh for fucks sake, why do you want to do that? But it's best to say oh cool, that's interesting etc. You aren't going to change anybody's mind, so you might as well disagree silently or at least very diplomatically and be thought of as nice.

Just don't talk as much. Just listen, smile, nod. Just because we have opinions doesn't mean these opinions have to be verbalized at every opportunity.

It's almost a conversational skill more than anything.

I think the thing is to remember is that we ALL make daft choices sometimes. Even the most intelligent people . A persin's upbringing nay lead them to do atupid things...mine did
Best thing is to judge quietly or seek a more compatible dp.

If, by you simply expressing an opinion, your ex-partner felt belittled then it sounds as though you were with the wrong person. Are you able to accept or tolerate other people's opinions if they clash with your own or do you argue others down if they dare disagree? Do you struggle to make friends because you are so opinionated? Do you tend to be friends with people who share your views?

If you are some prickly, anti-social, self-righteous type that has no friends and could start a fight in a locked room, maybe you'd think about alternative, less combative ways of interacting. If you are simply a person who holds strong views but has no trouble making and retaining friends at the same time then your ex-P was probably insecure and didn't need much to feel inferior.

I think some opinions are superior than others! But i don't always subscribe to them and am impressed that people do.

An example would be that i am becoming more middle of the road politically as i get older but i admire left wing people more as they still haven't developed my cyniscsm and their zeal is needed.

BTW.... it's the 'MIL Paradox' isn't it? Time and again you see people on MN wailing that because their MIL doesn't subscribe to the idea of baby-led weaning (or insert other parenting choice), it means they are 'looking down' on them and being judgemental. That's insecurity talking. A more secure person would take exactly the same scenario, conclude that MIL is an idiot and take no notice, let alone offence.