Should i stay or should i go?

[broodynmoody]

Ive been on mumsnet for the past year and a half mostly on step parenting. I met my partner when hes daughter was 1.5 and hes son was born. I havr struggled with insecurities, jealousy, resentfulness and anxiety. Ive always felt that having a boy and a girl my dp would not feel as excited when we would have a child. My jealousy had got so bad i had counselling tho its failed to get rid of all my Insecurities. And its gotten to the point where my dp can't stand me. Don't get ne wrong hes to blame to. He has zero respect for everything i do with the dc and has got a bad temper and is very stubborn. We both want out if this relationship but its the routine and security. All my friends are getting engaged and having children and i don't want to be on my own. Im not exactly the prettiest flower in the bunch and lots of men are dicks and cheat and just want sex. Its hard to find people. Lots of people are in relationships cos of security so should i just suck it uo n get on with it? Im a coward i don't like the thought of being on my own when everyone else is getting married and houses and ill be single again and back at my parents again. What do i do?

You don't have to be back with your parents, do you? He doesn't sound very nice and it sounds as though you'd be much happier without him.

Do you earn enough to get a flat on your own? How old are you?

You should leave as it sounds like you cannot cope with the jealousy and insecurity you feel. If you tried counselling and it's not worked, then probably best to leave rather than ending up resentful of each other. Also, not a good idea to bring a child into a relationship where you are both unhappy.

I'm not seeing why there's even a question to be asked, I'm afraid. Neither of you want to be in the relationship. It's just a case of which one of you will be brave enough to be honest.

I know it feels like failing and going back to the beginning but look at the evidence: if I understand things rightly, he's already left one woman with very young children. Even if you stayed and things progressed to the point where you too had a baby, he's already set himself the precedent of leaving. I just can't see any reason why he wouldn't do the same again, especially if he's unhappy now anyway.

No-one knows how life will go. Things go wrong for people all the time. The friends who seem so settled and happy now might be in a very different situation in years to come. Ultimately it doesn't matter - you're not in a competition with them. The only behaviour you have to judge and value is your own. Put your integrity above your fears and stop thinking in terms of failure. Far better to start again honestly than carry on as you are.

And please don't disregard those two children. Surely they deserve to have a childhood where any adults in their lives are there because they are truly committed to building a happy, positive future, not just because they are too afraid to leave?

Thanks for your replies. I don't earn enough to get my own flat no. I would have to go back to my parents. I know i feel a failure. I think if i leave now and then all i get is dickheads or the fact that most men have kids now so i think whats the point in splitting up. Most men have kids and a crazy ex girlfriend (his ex is civil and nice) so it seems like a no win situation.

"All my friends are getting engaged and having children and i don't want to be on my own. Im not exactly the prettiest flower in the bunch and lots of men are dicks and cheat and just want sex".

Not wanting to be on your own is a very poor reason to remain within this relationship now. Neither of you have been honest with the other.

Not all men either by any means are dicks and cheats and just want sex; its the ones that you've chosen to be with that are the problem. Your post suggests that you have poor self worth and low self esteem therefore making yourself a magnet for chancers and lowlife abusers.

How old are you as well?. In your 20s?.

Just why are you choosing so very poorly to begin with, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. You get the relationship you are willing to put up with and you need to aim your own sights a lot higher. Love your own self for a change; your own self loathing is evident in your posts and all that has to change. That change has to come from you. You will keep on making the same fundamental relationship errors otherwise.

Re this comment as well:-
"Most men have kids and a crazy ex girlfriend (his ex is civil and nice) so it seems like a no win situation".

Actually they do not, where on earth did you get that idea from?. You need to widen your own social circle a lot more; its far too narrow currently.

I'm now on my own aged 40 for the second time, but I don't see myself as a failure. I would, however, feel I had failed myself and my son had I chosen to stay with a man whose behaviour showed that my welfare and that of my son was not a priority. I could have stayed for the financial convenience and security but what price would I have had to pay for that in the future? There is no failure at all in leaving a relationship that is unhealthy. Starting again is scary but as soon as you take the first step you regain control of your life.

Im 25 and ive had a nice guy before but found him to be boring, had a cheat, a psycho and now someone with kids. And the majority of men from their mid twenties have children. I went on dating websites and the ones in my area either have kids or want nothing serious. Most of my mate's don't go out anymore as they have boyfriends and their own houses to pay for. Its either stay single for god knows how long be single in my thirties with no kids or meet someone whos probably got a kid already. At least with my dp his ex is reasonable and the kids have a good relationship with me.

Lots of people are still in education at 25. I think you need to broaden your horizons somewhat as it is certainly not the case that most men in their mid twenties have children already. I also know of lots of 25 year olds who live with their parents, not because they are failures but because they are grafting away laying the foundations for their career whilst saving towards their future independence. Wouldnt it be better to spend 5 years now investing in your own future rather than waiting for someone you dont even want to be with to somehow provide it for you?