Why can't I get over this guy?

[Hesaysshewaffles]

I'm single and dating but can't get a guy out of my head. It was a FWB situation/fling that got too serious and he didn't want it to become a relationship. We became really close friends during the months we were together and it became quite a 'tense' and infatuation thing etc.

We went no contact and not on Facebook. we've not spoken or seen each other for three months. I came across a pic of him and it was as though he was a stranger.

He made me the happiest id been in years but then broke me when he wasn't willing to give a relationship a try, so why is he still consuming my thoughts??

Can you try to look on the months you were together as being a very happy time of your life whilst accepting that it only lasted for a short time?

If you're still thinking of him frequently in spite of being NC for three months you need to strictly wean yourself off this behaviour. Try "I will only let myself think about him after 6:00pm" for a week or so, then decrease the permitted frequency bit by bit. Sounds a bit weird, but I can tell you from experience that it works.

In the meantime, I hope you have some dates that are fun and angst-free!

Because you have convinced yourself that he was perfect whilst conveniently ignoring the fact that he didn't want a relationship.

Way easier to preoccupy yourself with how great it could have been rather than deal with the fact that you two are not a fit.

It probably feels romantic. It's really a waste of time.

Thanks for your posts. I did think for ages he was perfect, but he had traits that drove me insane.

I don't find myself thinking what he's up to, but more so thinking about him and how he made "me feel". And the fun - not in the real world - thing we had.

Hmm, but that's interesting isn't it.
He made you feel a certain way. Do you know why?

With DH I felt different because he just wanted me to be happy - I hadn't had that before. And I felt so comfortable with him because I wasn't trying to present an image.
Do you know why you felt great? Was it the 'friends first' thing?

He made me feel young again and it's like I became a carefree teenager. Kind of feeling alive. Plus the passion/sex was amazing. I'd never experienced this ever before.

Well the sex is another thing tbh - sometimes borne of feeling like a carefree teenager.
But (to be a persistent arse) why did he make you feel like that? Did you give yourself permission to be different when you were with him. Was it confidence or something else.

I'm probably barking up the wrong tree but I have always felt that whilst others can say things and make gestures that touch us or provoke our gratitude or respect, don't we tend to decide how we feel about ourselves?
I know an abusive partner can erode our self esteem. But if he made you feel better about yourself than can't you find a way to feel that just or youslf?

Pag. I'm a single mum and when I was with him, my dd was at her dads. I wasn't a mum with a boisterous toddler, I was a desired woman who could laugh and play. He took me away from the mundanities of life, I suppose.

My dd's dad never made me feel sexy and fancied, if that makes sense and we never really had a laugh together.

Oh I can understand that. It must be so hard.
But (and I say this as someone who is a bit of an arse and really not an expert in this field being married for decades - so ignore me if you want ) all of that is in you - that carefree open person is in there.

The choice is not him or your ex. Trust that there will be those days again ahead. It's ahead of you. It's just not him, not right now.

Thanks pag - great advice. I know he was wrong for me and you're right I can get that with someone else. I need to have faith