Embarrassing- think I am developing an obsession with colleague

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I am a nurturing, caring type and a bit of a people pleaser. I care very much, sometimes too much, about others. This should make me a 'lovely person' except that sometimes I think I take it too far.

A friend at work has recently broken up with her husband. She is going through a really shitty time and I feel terribly sorry for her. She has confided in me about it and I have tried to be there for her, lent her some money to tide her over, sent her supportive messages checking she is ok, etc. so far so good.

The issue is that I am becoming obsessive in my worrying over her. I keep checking my messages in case she has messaged me and if she hasn't, I worry that she is not ok. I am having to restrain myself from sending her messages asking if she is ok. I looked at her Facebook profile today and had a cry over pics of her with her husband FFS!

I am going through some quite bad anxiety issues at the moment but I seem to be focusing a lot on this colleague. This isn't normal. How can I stop? It's almost like I am no longer bring supportive but almost being quite selfish :(

Bit worried about you giving her money OP. Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel?

Oh the money is ok, it wasn't much and was just a loan. I did that before I started being weird about it! I'm more worried about the obsessive checking for messages. It's almost like I am feeding off her need for me IYSWIM? I get validation from people needing me I know, but this is off the scale and makes me feel weird and guilty.

Are you male or female?

I was a bit worried about the money too but if you are sure it's not a problem then I'm sure you know best.

I think the only answer here is to cut back a bit from her. Proximity is key for all attraction and on sessions

I'm female. There is no attraction involved- I have a DP who is also female, but am not attracted to my friend in the slightest. It's more a kind of obsessive worrying and wanting her to be happy.

I think it would very worthwhile talking through what's happening here, with a trained counsellor. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because it could help you explore what's going on and what need this is fulfilling. It's all about the context and could take a while to tease out where it comes from.

Yes you're right I do need to talk it through. It just feels really wrong but I can't seem to stop. We have arranged to go out for a drink on Tuesday and I keep thinking about it.

Are you certain there's no attraction? That's helpful but the situation is still an unhealthy one, for you.

It's very easy for this sort of thing to occur and you've just let it flow for now.

Id have a big think about why you feel the need to help so much and what can be done to stop this.

I wasn't sure if crying over her husband was because you wanted to be with her but now I think it's because you are so involved in her story?

No definitely no attraction. Crying over her husband pics was more because I think what has happened is so desperately sad for her.

I think that's natural. It's not the same but I sobbed over ps I love you and continued to do so for about a month when describing it to people. You can't help that emotion.

With bad anxiety it's quite common to focus on one thing and obsess over it. For you it may be a displacement strategy - to focus on what she's going through to avoid angst over your own issues. But it's not working, it's just making things worse.

I would step back and detach yourself slightly from her situation - I don't mean cease to be her friend - but just cut the over-involvement.
She can look after herself, and deal with her own life, just as you need to deal with your own life.

I was going to agree counselling is a good plan It sounds as if the anxiety is taking over. I would talk to your GP.

I agree that it would probably be a good idea for you to speak to a counsellor. When I was younger I was desperate to feel like people needed me, I thought it was the way to make friends (I was bullied badly at school) but I eventually realised these "friends" were just taking and not giving anything back. It sounds like you need to get to the root of your codependent behaviour.

I second handywoman's thoughts regarding councelling, it should help you to explore and understand the people pleaser mechanism that you have.

I hope that you are able to take a little step back from this situation, sometimes people need to work through their own issues without being 'rescued'.

Codependent is a good word to describe me- although oddly, in many ways I'm very independent- enjoy working on my own, will happily spend the day on my own, take myself out for a meal etc. but you're right- my anxiety is getting worse and I do think I need to see someone :(