At breaking point (long)

[Stars66]

Basically bf and I have been together 6 years. We bought a beautiful house last year and have 1 dd (2) who is my world.
Things have been tough financially in the past year, a massive change to how it used to be, and he has racked up 20K of debt on credit card. He has worked out a payment plan, but nethertheless is stressed about this.

However his moods and anger is just too much. Yday, i was doing some dusting and I triggered the alarm at home, I reset it and didnt think too much of it till he was at work and I was going out and it wouldnt set. This was not the end of the world for me, the house is secure, and anyway, its not like we have much to rob.
This morning I mentioned that the alarm wouldnt set and he goes mental. Calls me every name under the sun including c**t which is something that I hate, I never use that word. He has called me that in the past (when drunk, or in an argument) and I have said I am not standing for it, and I won't be called that. He said he has had enough of the relationship and its over. I said thats fine, Ive had enough. Which I guess I have.

I dont know what to do now.

I left the house and took dd swimming, came back, he had fixed the fucking alarm, I gave dd lunch and have put her down to nap. We haven't spoken.

Problem is, neither of us have anywhere we can go. The house is all in his name, as, although I put in half the deposit, when the mortgage went through I was getting statutory maternity pay, so they wouldnt put me on the mortgage, so its all in his name.
I have no cash, the car I drive is his as he has a company car.

I guess I have to just bumble on and not split, but really, I know its over.

Any advice?

Yep. Go to the CAB and find out what you would be entitled to, get some free legal advice from as many family law solicitors as you can.

Are you now a SAHM? If so you should have some legal recourse on the house. Do you have a paper trail for your deposit? Get together as much evidence as you can, you don't have the same protection as if you were married but if you can show that you bought the house jointly (ie were you the one communicating with mortgage broker/finance company, etc?) then you can seek a remedy down that path. Good luck, this is such a shitty situation, the c word is reprehensible and staying after it has been used just degrades your sense of self. I know this from experience!

Thank you Alikat.
No I work part time for pittance ,I pay for nursery, council tax, half of food bills.
There is some sort of paper trail, I had to forward the money into his account, the solicitor started to deal with me as well, then changed her mind when mortgage was only applied in his name. She then got me to sign a killer piece of paper which said I gifted him £40k. I can see it now, this is going to ruin me.

I knew it was a mistake at the time.

Did you have a Deed of Trust drawn up to protect the deposit you contributed to his purchase? If not, you will have to go down the legal route to retrieve it if he won't do the decent thing.

I think the first thing you should do is make plans to secure alternative accommodation, so you can get away from him as soon as possible. And then tell him it's over and you've left him for good.

Please, PLEASE tell me that his 20k of debt is not in joint-names!

If you live in the south east, prices have risen massively in the last year.

Get your free half hours appointment with a solicitor. You should be entitled to a share of any equity. Hope you signed a Deed of Trust.

Sorry, cross post.

I guess the gift was to say you had no share in his house.

If she was representing him she should have advised you got separate legal advise to protect your money.

If you have gifted him it then unless he is decent you may have lost it.

You need proper legal advise.

Yes the 20k is in his name. Thankfully!

No, I didn't get anything written and signed. I was looking after a 4 month old baby as this was all going through, and was sleep deprived and hormonal, and just so happy to be moving into my dream home.

I really feel for you Stars. Is he the sort to take advantage or play fair do you think?
Let's hope he considers his child's welfare.

Stars you live in one of the few countries in the world where you have a decent safety net in such a shitty situation. You and your child will have safe, decent housing thanks to council benefits, your income may actually improve thanks to tax credits and you will have many protections under law to build a new, better life for yourself and your DS. Things may be rocky for awhile but you will always have that ultimate security.

I'm hoping he'll be decent. I took dd out all afternoon, when I came back, I put her to bed, as usual we still didn't speak.
He just went up to bed, I went up and asked for an apology. He said I need to apologise. I asked what for? And said he can not say such things to me... He said well don't put up with it then, so I said we'll have to get the estate agents round then. I agreed and left the room.
Guess I'm going to be a single mum.

Oh I'm really sorry it's happened, and in such a shitty way. You are best out if this relationship, but atm it won't feel like it until you have a solid plan. A solicitor will be a worthwhile investment. Until then can you garner some support IRL?

I know he said and behaved totally out of order but if everything was okay until he ran up the debt is there no way you can talk and sort this out.

Personally I wouldn't give up on a previously good relationship this easily. It sounds like he knows he has done wrong and has gone on the defensive.

He just can not handle his anger. For example, last summer we were kayaking in holiday, the distance was a lot longer than we had thought (bad language skills), and towards the end he was being abusive to me, swearing and telling me just how useless I was. In my head, I was leaving then, but had absolutely nothing at that point. (Job/ money etc), now at least, I'm working.

He has totally gone on the defensive, but I just don't want to put up with the anger. It's not fair on me, and I haven't told anyone IRL as I'm embarrassed by his behaviour, and ashamed by it.
If a friend told me their partner spoke to them the way he speaks to me, I'd tell them it was domestic abuse.

Stars - you need to try and sort out the financial issues and leave. A one off isolated outburst is one thing, this kind of behaviour repeated is disgusting, I wouldn't put up with it either.

So nothing's happened so far. I got him to mumble out an apology and we are stumbling along.
I'm so not happy, im sure he is not either. We had corrie on yday (oh the exciting life we live) and that Andrea was going on about how she lived her life with everything being "just ok" and not "happy" and I so feel the same. I know I don't have it in me at the moment to leave, so I'll just bumble on, not being fulfilled, not truly happy.

The non refundable gift deposit letter was requested by the solicitor to protect the lender in the event of the house being repossessed.

You need to speak to a solicitor on Monday. Ask their advice. You need to know where you stand. Keep the bank statements showing the audit trail of funds.