How do you appreciate your husband?

[JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit]

It has come to my attention that DH feels i don't appreciate or respect him. Although i haven't quite got to the bottom as to why he feels this way it seems to be largely based around the housework.

I will admit i am a pretty lazy SAHM. I keep the house ticking over by making sure there is always clean dishes, clean clothes (although not often put away!) & by generally making the place look presentable but things like cleaning the bathroom & wiping down the hob are probably left a bit too long. But does this equal not appreciating my husband? Am i somehow disrespecting his going out to work by being lax with my 'job'?

So i am wondering, how do you make your husband feel appreciated? How can i besides becoming Delia Smith overnight?

I think you need to do a bit more housework! If he is out at work every day and you are at ho.e every day then I don't see why you can't keep the house clean and at least put clothes away.
So does he have to come home and do housework often? Does he have to cook or do you do more? Does he get a bit of time to do a hobby or see friends. Unless your home life is very complex I think you sound a bit lazy.

I don't see the connection between housework and appreciating your husband. If your husband wants a house cleaner than the one you keep then he can do it himself. It takes like 2 mins to clean a hob, so if he doesn't like it, he could easily clean it.

I appreciate my husband by telling him so, being loving, having fun together, making his life outside work fun and happy.

I do all the cooking, every night. He doesn't do any of the housework, it gets left until i do it. Yes i am a bit lazy as i admitted but its not as though we live in a shit tip.

You know you're too lazy and aren't doing as much as you should in the house. It would irritate me if I was going out to work and DH was slacking at home all day.

Why aren't you doing more at home?

Does he mean that he feels taken advantage of that he goes out to work to bring in the income and feels that you aren't doing your fair share?

That's a big one to work out. If I were in his shoes, and my job is not one that leaves me feeling fulfilled but one that allows me to live a life I love outside of work, then I might feel aggrieved if I felt the stay at home partner didn't seem to do his fair share of the tasks that go into making this nice life.

What I meant to add is that what's needed is an agreement that only you two can decide upon.

Actually I'll edit that. He will have a tidy round & helps me wash up when i ask. He also helps with DS when i ask & is good with diy.

You aren't his servant, OP, and doing housework doesn't equate to "appreciating" him.

Have you actually asked him what would make him feel more appreciated? Do you feel appreciated?

How old are your children?

Are dc preschool or school age?

Cleaning doesn't take that long, you said yourself the hob can be wiped down in seconds. If it means that much to your DH why don't you just do it? I'd be annoyed as well if I was out at work all day every day and had to come home to an untidy house, when my partner had been home all day. It really isn't fair.

I think it all depends what age dc are.

grossfoot I think I said that, not OP :-s

I think you need more information.

Is he specifically aggrieved that you don't keep the house "clean enough"? How old are your children? How many do you have?

For me, someone saying "you stay at home looking after the children all day every day but I don't think the house is clean enough - what do you do all day?" would be a bit like you turning around and saying "you go out and work all day and leave me to look after the kids, but I don't think that you earn enough. What do you do all day?"

But he might not even be talking about that. It might be more how you two interact with each other. Do YOU feel appreciated? Could it be the typical man ego of feeling "neglected" because you are looking after the kids?

I think you really need to just sit down and have a heart to heart.

We definitely need to talk but he's not ready to do that yet (will prob ignore me for a few more hours yet).

We have an 18 month old DS & another due in October.

Clearly my slovenly ways are unacceptable , i suppose i thought this level of tidyness was ok, i hate housework but guess i need to suck it
up & be better at it.

Woah, hold up there a minute.

Your day job is looking are 18mo DS, and you are pregnant which may make you more tired than usual. While some people have DCs who accommodate a full cooking and cleaning schedule during the day, many (most?) do not.

Your DH's day job is going to the office. There are plenty of people who have done both of those, and I think there is a consensus that both can be equally challenging/tiring.

Once your DH is home from work, everything should be split equally, imo. So you split the household chores between you.

And your DH doesn't help you by caring for his own child, looking after his own home, etc.

You and he need to read the politics of housework and knock this sexist nonsense on the head asap.

Ah, my mistake Bree. It's true though, really doesn't tale that long to clean. I can speed clean my whole house in 30 minutes. That's not a large percentage of the day.

I appreciate him when he gets off my sofa and goes back to his own house.

Sorry OP, just saw you're 6mo pregnant. Didn't mean to sound harsh. You sound like you're keeping the house in a good condition given the circumstances.

No, you don't need to suck it up and be better at it. You and your DH need to have a conversation about what is reasonable in your current circumstances, about the level of cleanliness that is acceptable to you both, and about how you're going to achieve that between you. He doesn't get to set the standards just because he goes out to work.

You're going to be busy when dc2 comes along. Would it be feasible to get a cleaner?

I didn't mention being pregnant in my OP as i was doing this level of housework before that. We decided before getting married that we would take on more traditional roles once we had children but i suppose i thought he might take on one or 2 chores around the house. I am not trying to be a martyr here as i know i could do more, i just didn't realise this would equate to him feeling unappreciated. Obviously we need to good long talk. Sigh i really thought we were good at the whole communication thing, obviously not

Sounds like he is feeling neglected. Has he maybe been having someone else appreciate him more at work? Sometimes when another woman starts telling him how brilliant he is etc and it doesn't happen at home they tend to feel like this.