How would u describe this behaviour?

[Bizkit]

Basically posted before about my 'ex', it's long story.

In my eyes we are separated and have been for a while now. We still live together as there basically is no easy way out. He not only refuses to leave but refuses to acknowledge we are not together even though I've made it quite clear i no longer want to be with him or see a future etc.

When I do say this he yells back to me that we are NOT separated and he is NOT my ex. He still calls me darling, sweetheart and the things he used to call me. To me he is just someone I have to live with and do certain things with for the children. I don't have conversations with him, I talk to him when I have to, trying to make it as clear as possible that we are not together. He says I'm being stubborn etc and we should just get along as neither of us can move, but if I do laugh or something when we are together or seem happy he sees this as getting back together and things getting back on track. So as you can see, everyday life is very miserable, when I'm at home I feel depressed, at work or elsewhere without him I'm ok.

In terms of his constant denial we are not getting back together I'm finding his behaviour stranger and stranger. Most recently he put some pics of us up, which I took straight back down, he then moved them to another part of the house, they were there a while but I got fed up with looking at them every-time I walked down the stairs so I took them down..he put them back up, this has happened a few times now, once he left a note behind them that said 'leave my pictures alone you cannot erase every positive memory because it does not suit your agenda'. Yesterday after a few more moving pictures I said I will keep taking then down, he flew off the handle and started arguing about it, I need go stop distancing myself, I can't do this, it's the wrong time to separate, ill fuck the kids up etc etc on and on,he just wouldn't stop, I tried not to react as the kids were still awake, he said he will have to move the car, the tv, the sofa etc then as we bought them together. He eventually stopped when I said I would have to go out as he just was going on so much.

He also goes around the house acting like everything is fine humming and singing when he knows it's not.

It was my mums birthday the other week and I told him I'd prefer it if he didn't come, he made a fuss and came anyway, ruining my evening whilst he was as happy as Larry.
He also recently booked a few days away after I had said no when he asked a few days before, when I said I weren't going to go, again I'm doing the wrong thing, we need to get a away to talk, I need to stop making a pain in the arse of everything etc etc. Very stressful leading up to the break as I was still saying I wasn't going and he was packing stuff. Of course I felt guilty as it was all booked and paid for, he refused to go with the kids on his own, therefore if I didn't go they missed out, so if course I caved in.

We were considering moving area, which I wasn't happy about but I had a lot of pressure to move, get the kids into a better school and area, and I felt I needed to do that for them, so I guess thats one reason it's gone on this long ( nearly 3 yrs). This isn't going to happen right now as we have run out of time in regards to my DS starting high school, so I'm staying put. I'm now thinking to move within this area on my own, which I'm still not sure is possible..will need councils help, but I am scared of the repercussions if I start seriously planing this, he does lose his temper and has a history of punching walls, doors etc when he is really annoyed, he will not let me go with the kids without a fight. The kids are settled here and I don't want to upheave it all plus he will lose the house after I leave anyway.
The other option is to see a solicitor about getting him to leave but again repercussions would be terrible if we had to get authorities involved.

He just cannot see that he is making it worse and worse, he will not listen and will not budge, I'm at a loss as to what to do. How to make him see he is making things harder, he thinks he is holding the family together and stopping me from making the wrong choice and ruining mine and our kids life's. We are never getting back together and he is going to leave me no choice but to do either of the two options or I can feel myself spiralling into depression.
How can I get him to see, do u think his behaviour is worrying!

Ring women's aid 0808 2000 247. Staying in the house is only feeding his fantasy.

His behaviour is not just worrying, it is completely crazy. You need to get out of there as quickly as possible. Start planning your exit.

It's really no wonder he thinks you are still together/have a chance of getting back together when you live with him with no intentions of leaving, go on holiday together, go to birthday parties together.

Also, you can't make him see differently because he doesn't want to. He is currently getting what he wants and he doesn't care what you want, so why would he change? You are wasting your time trying and hoping he is going to come around to your way of thinking.

i would try and get a place for you and children .as for going to your mums .sorry but you let him come .it should have been .NO .SORRY .but this will let him think yous are a couple .
the upheaval for the children is surely better than this .

Of course your all right in the fact that if I keep doing things with him it fuels it, but it's hard when he loses his temper. I'm not scared of him but when he gets angry it is easier to just stop putting the pressure on, plus I don't want the kids to see it.

Also harder when he does more with the kids than he ever did, making the guilt for me more so.

In terms of my mums birthday, we were at a school fair sounded by people when he announced he was gong to go get ready to go, not point in doing things separately etc, when I got in he was all set to go, I couldn't then start a massive row in front of the kids by refusing him.

He blames me for separating the family, which makes it worse as it was his lies and cheating that got us here.

Bottom line is I'm not strong enough or have the guts to take the options I have to get free.

Ring Women's Aid and speak to them. 0808 2000 247

Absolutely ring Womens Aid. His behaviour is abusive and you need help to get away.

It's a mistake to live under the same roof as this man. His behaviour aside, if the relationship is over it's over and this half-way house thing could be interpreted as cruelty. The whole set-up where he is pretending you are still a couple is alarming, a source of upset and irritation and, given his volatility, I think you're playing with fire quite honestly. When you say 'we are considering moving area'... it sounds like you're still taking him into account. Why?

Please make arrangements to properly separate and please keep yourself safe in the process. There will be disruption and he is not going to let go easily but you have to anticipate that and deal with it via solicitors etc rather than stick with the status quo believing it to be the lesser of two evils. It isn't.

This long drawn out tension is much more stressful on dcs than an actual break would be IMO.

My ex was like this. Tried to prevent me breaking up with him using denial. Boring, long winded story but I managed to get out end. My ex also turned up to my family events and followed me around when I went out socially. He was like a fucking stalker.

I had to be really persistent to get rid of him. We had a house together and it took me two years to get out due to his denial and dithering and deliberately delaying things.

I think women's aid a great idea. You don't say if you're married, but if you are start divorce proceedings. My schedule and I weren't which actually made it more complicated.

My ex, not my schedule.

In terms of moving area it's something we have both wanted for the kids for a long time, but it's never happened mainly due to his financial instability, nevertheless it's still something we would have to do together in regards to money.
We then had the cheating, mistrust etc but when he forced his way back in he still had moving on the agenda.

He sees moving as our last hope of making things work, this is why he refuses to leave or accept separation as he wants to try that one last thing. Stating that if we separate now we wouldn't of tried everything to save it.

The way I saw it was he wasn't going to move out so either way I was stuck so I would have rather been stuck in a nicer area and have the kids sorted with their schooling. He also promised that if we moved and things still didn't work that he would accept it's over and move knowing he tried everything and the kids were sorted, saying he would get a solicitors letter saying he would need to do this.

Time has gone on and we haven't moved as he was out of work again for a while and is still now only in temp work. My DS has his high school place sorted here so I'm not moving at the moment now and that idea is out the window for me and to be honest I'm relieved. We did look at one house recently and said yes to it, was going to get a call back next day on the answer, when I wanted to go through finances before we said yes to anything, as it was slightly more expensive and we would of had extra childcare expenses he made a fuss over it, said I was being negative again and completely flew off the handle and left in a huff, thank god they rang back with a no the next day.

I've been told to ring women's aid on here before, but he is not abusive, and he is your typical saint to every one else, helps them out, etc

We are not married by the way

He is abusive. He is being manipulative and controlling at the very least.

My Ex was the same, everyone thought he was a great guy but he treated me badly and, like you, made it extremely difficult to get away from him. :( I wasted my life because I was so afraid of him.

Not abusive?

he does lose his temper and has a history of punching walls, doors etc when he is really annoyed, he will not let me go with the kids without a fight

Not abusive?

He not only refuses to leave but refuses to acknowledge we are not together even though I've made it quite clear i no longer want to be with him or see a future etc

Not abusive?

he flew off the handle and started arguing about it, I need go stop distancing myself, I can't do this, it's the wrong time to separate, ill fuck the kids up etc etc on and on,he just wouldn't stop, I tried not to react as the kids were still awake, he said he will have to move the car, the tv, the sofa etc then as we bought them together. He eventually stopped when I said I would have to go out as he just was going on so much

He's not the only one in denial here, unfortunately. I don't know what to say that will help you. You won't leave, but you don't understand why he thinks you are together when you stay and discuss moving together or doing things together.

You need to make a clean break. Until you are ready to do that, nothing we can say is going to help much unfortunately.

So what is you want people to tell you here? Your relationship is dead, you consider yourself separated and yet you persist in living in the same home as someone you hate..... 'for the kids'. I'm not condoning your partner's behaviour for a second but I think three years (?) of this limbo situation would drive even the most mild-mannered person up the wall. The DCs will know you hate each other - the tension in your home must be unbearable. If you want some magic bullet advice how to make this angry, upset man happy enough to live out your bizarre definition of stability for children, I think you're in the wrong place.

I think you need to get away asap, I think he could potentially be dangerous. It's definitely serious enough to get into a refuge, then you can be housed by the council until you're in a position to rent somewhere. Honestly, I would just get the fuck out of there now.

I know it's somewhat abusive but sometimes I think it isn't. He does everything for me, even though I tell him not to.
I suppose deep down I am scared of his temper and scared of it affecting the kids.

I have told him staying together isn't best for the children and I know that, I'm staying because he is making it so hard to leave, and I suppose because I don't feel strong enough to do that on my own with his constant ear bashing along with it, trying to make me feel guilty.

I just found the pictures again I took down last night. He had put them on the kids bedroom window sills.
He said in the argument last night that just because I don't want to see a pic of us together doesn't mean the kids won't want to see them. Have taken them down again so await the backlash.

If I go ahead with planning an exit, im afraid of how his reaction will affect my babies , they have a fairly good relationship with him, he has been quite unfair to our son at times but recently they have been enjoying time together more than ever, I will bring that all crashing down because I can't get over what he has done to me in the past

You're giving him mixed messages saying he's your ex, yet planning to buy a property together. I agree with those saying it must soul destroying for the children.

You keep referring back to money as the reason you can't part but there ways to make it work. You have to physically separate in order for life to move on for all of you.

You're going to have to 'screw your courage to the sticking place' and do the difficult thing.

Living in limbo like this was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I look at it as time wasted, I might as well have been in prison.

You've got to find a way. You can't continue modeling this mess to the children. They'll choose/become bad partners themselves the future if you don't change it.

Well I was scared so I know how you feel.

One day though the fear of spending any more time in that house was bigger than my fear of leaving.

You need to talk to Womens Aid, honestly you do.

I would recommend that you take the kids and leave, go away for at least two weeks. Go total no contact for two weeks (obviously let him know you and your DC are safe), and you will begin to see things more clearly. You have been in that situation for too long for you to be able to think straight.

I suppose deep down I am scared of his temper and scared of it affecting the kids.

And you're saying he's not abusive?? RING Women's Aid, tell them everything, and LISTEN to them. Because you're really not listening to anyone on here. You're just making excuses for him while you list more and more abusive behaviour.

We can't help you if you're not willing to help yourself. If you really don't want to leave, there's not much anyone can do other than point you to resources that you can use (such as WA) when you're finally ready to make that break.

I will point out that in the meantime, you are doing your children no favours making them live in this type of environment. Constant ongoing domestic tension is abysmal to live with. Been there as a child. Done that.

Wish I could take the kids and go away for a bit, first off I couldn't due to work but also he would hold it against me in the future, if we ever did end up going through court or anything.

I have tried getting help before, I called the citizens advice and they basically told me to stay put as the council were unlikely to be able to help me if I left as I would be making myself intentionally homeless and even if they did then I would probably end up in a shitty B&B somewhere as housing in this area is over capacity,and be worse off. I also work part time which actually wouldn't help my cause believe it or not. He told me to hold out but bear in mind my own mental state (he's not wrong there) but gave me a number for a solicitor who I could get a free 30mins with.

I also called my local women's centre and one point and got a bit emotional on the phone asking if there was anyone there who could advise on housing in my situation, she said there wasn't but invited me to come down and see them and she could point me in the right direction, can't remember why I didn't go exactly.

I don't get that overly emotional anymore, used to cry a lot and literally scream at him in arguments and shake with frustration, but now I think I'm just numb to it all really, which might make it easier to talk to the council, or women's aid, dunno