Feeling like I have to compete for DD's affection

[alikat724]

Have posted before about terribly unhappy marriage, which feels as if it's been ending since before it began. Neither of us can remember what we liked about each other and despite many efforts (counselling, communication workshop, constant re-commitment discussions) we are yet again talking solicitors and separation timeline.

My issue is that he is now pulling out all the stops in competing for our 2.5 yo DD's affection. We are in the middle of a 2 week long holiday in an idyllic location, and all I want to do is take her away from his cloying, permissive attention.

Oops phone early post fail! Basically he is giving her anything and everything she wants, and undermining me with direct negative statements. Has anyone dealt with this or can offer any advice? I am not afraid of losing him but I am afraid of losing her, as he has form with the relationship with the mother of his 16 yo son by undermining her with personal attacks and a complete lack of discipline making him parent #1. Son is now lazy, slobbish, entitled and contemptuous of his mother. Very afraid this will happen with my DD. All advice gratefully received...xx

Sorry to hear about your situation, I have only had this to a very mild extent but can imagine it must be incredibly draining and hard to deal with. all I can suggest is taking him to one side and trying to explain that he is hurting your daughter by doing this, leave your own feelings out of it. Explain that a child wants and needs to believe that both her parents are superstars, not just one of them. Especially for a girl, thinking that her mother is somehow inferior will have disastrous effects on her self esteem in the future

Thank you Common. That is good advice, you are exactly right that I need to frame it in a way that he will hear it, ie either in her or his interests.

You need to tell him... how dare he use your child as a weapon to hurt you. Tell him that you will deal with whatever he throws at you directly - you're an adult after all - but to leave a defenceless child out of it with the manipulative undermining behaviour. Tell him that he might have played that game with his ex-wife but that you're on his case and it won't work with you.
sorry, I'm in a bad mood today

Did you know his eldest child before you agreed to have a child with him?

Can I ask why you thought that he'd be any different with your dd?

As you can see, the only way of dealing with it is how his previous wife did; making him an ExH, but clearly she left it too late.

You have to stamp down on this now, coming home and leaving him behind on holiday alone if you have to, but it has to be a big and decisive action, or he'll be thinking he's entitled to do the same thing to your dd as he did to her half brother.

Nothing more heartbreaking than to see a lovely child turned into a brat by shitty parenting.

Stop this thing dead in it's tracks.

I don't think you can do a damn thing about this and he knows it. If/when you separate there will be shared parenting and you have no real influence over what he does or doesn't do at that stage, any more than you do today. This may lead to some behavioural challenges from DD in the future but you are unlikely to 'lose' her, however. What is going to make it worse, I would suggest, is if you show that it upsets you .... in that way it's the same as all bullying behaviour and it is aimed at you the same way it was aimed at his ex.

Cogito I lurk here so much now and read your sage, considered advice on so many threads. You are right, he is a bully. I was foolish enough to think myself stronger than H's ex partner and I stupidly thought it always takes two to tango, as she has also behaved in ways that I wouldn't. We saw little of his son when we got together, partly due to his ex limiting contact, partly as we lived in Central London and lived the "young professional" lifestyle. It only really sunk in what a problem his behaviour was when son started spending more time with us after we moved to the suburbs just before DD was born.

Rousette thank you. The irony is that his pathetic favouritism is bold and bright for everyone, including his son, to see, and along with his frequently stated preference for his daughter (!!!!) is actually alienating the boy.

Hissy, we all bring our own issues to our choice if co parent, mine was fear of abandonment, and his refusal to walk away from his son, insistence upon regular contact and regular financial support for his ex actually seemed like a good thing at he time!

Hindsight is a marvellous thing... It's not for today but it's a fairly common early-warning trait of abusive/bullying men to bad-mouth former partners, painting them as unreasonable and irrational. They even sell it as flattery e.g. 'she was a monster.... you're so much nicer' Doesn't even matter if it's true

One observation, however, if he saw little of his son due to limited contact prior to DD being born, the lad appears to have grown up a spoilt brat in spite of Dad, not necessarily because of him.

He always had regular contact with his son prior to us, and even in the first year or so of our relationship - 2-3 nights staying contact, which I didn't participate in as he didn't move in until after we got engaged. His ex stopped staying contact when he moved in, partly as my place was an hour from where DSS lived. We then got married and moved closer. Eagle eyed hindsight as you say, I also see how circumstance meant that I missed a lot of signals. I always took the bad mouthing to be mutual (apparently she called him a c**t at the school gates one day in from tog DSS!) and just thought them as badly behaved as each other, with 15+ years of animosity and court altercations (he went 3 times for access disputes over the years) between them. Naively thought I'd be above all that, as we "got" each other, were madly in love, blah de blah de blah.

By no means was I having a pop, but wanted to see if you knew what it was that made you think that it'd be anything different. :)

Believe me, i've been there, done that, but asking yourself that question, while it changes nothing, does help you to see that this is not a result of anything you've done.

His favouritism of your dd over his DS is so toxic it's terrifying. That poor boy!

Your H only likes those he can control. What age was the lad when his father left? Perhaps the damage had already been done? Perhaps that's why his mother refused to cooperate with access etc. Now it may be making more sense, given what you now see.

You say your marriage is pretty much over, well please focus your energies on making the break and getting her away from this behaviour as soon as you can.

My boy was 5 when his (abusive) dad left. Luckily DS was totally left to me to care for, but I worried that the way I was treated (dismissive and disrespectful, no empathy, only derision) would be shown as how a man should be. By christ i've worked hard to make sure that he didn't follow in his father's footsteps. I've encouraged the sweetness, not tolerated the lack of respect. If you know what you're dealing with, it really helps.

X-post. :)

Ah Hissy. VERY good question! Why did I think I'd be different? Because I judged her life choices (2 children to 2 fathers, neither married) as those of my own terribly weak mother (6 DCs to 3 fathers). So I thought myself bigger, better, smarter, stronger, older, etc. I also believed him when he said he had learnt from experience with ex, that he had never loved her, didn't understand the commitment of having a DC then but now did so wouldn't do it if he wasn't sure it was right, would be amazing, etc.... But the toxic parenting he is now exhibiting (great description) is completely unexpected. His DS was his world before DD, I never ever anticipated he would think/feel let alone SAY she is his favourite. I'm just at a loss.

To answer - he left when DSS was 9 months. Got back together briefly when boy was 6 but was, in his own words, only there for the chance to see DSS every day. Looking back - WTF was I thinking????

Oh yes, i'm familiar too with the WTAF was I thinking train of thought. :(

The clues were all there, for you and for me, but our own upbringing, and need to be needed made us vulnerable and cling to anyone that accepted us for us. We thought it we loved them enough, they'd be better men.

My love, he's not good enough, he never was. He's ruined one family, please don't let him ruin your little girl.

My ds is almost 9, but his dad also has another son who he hasn't seen since the boy was 3. In all the time I was with him he never once saw him. The ex wouldn't let him.

The stories he told about their relationship, the ones he told about the woman before her, the one he married, all made him out to be the victim.

I was wrong.

My ex left 3yrs ago. My ds has bloomed since his dad left.

I know our stories are different, but if you're worried about the 'what next', don't be.