Should i distance myself from this friend?

[ella366]

I have NC for this. I'm single and have a platonic married male friend that i've know for about four years. I've pretty much always had a crush on him but I've never said anything and I don't think he has any idea. For a couple of years his marriage went through a pretty rough patch and I unfortunately allowed myself to develop the idea that one day they might split up and then there would be an opportunity to see if anything more could develop between us. However, his wife is now going through a pretty major health scare which has brought them closer together again.

He doesn't talk about his wife's health problems much and he is also going through a rough time at work (probably caused by the stress of worrying about the health issue). I'm trying hard to be a supportive friend but he has turned into a pretty rotten friend to me, being distant and difficult to be around, cancelling plans with poor reasons etc. If I didn't have these extra feelings for him this would be fine. I know it's because he's got stuff going on that's more important than me. But, because of my crush, when he is off with me it hurts a lot, and I've shed a few too many tears recently about how bad he makes me feel. I really want to distance myself from him so that he stops making me unhappy. However, I know that this would be a really selfish thing to do as he needs his friends around him at the moment.

Does anyone have suggestions about how I can deal with this?

Stay friends but be a little less available. Go out and look for someone new instead of waiting for this guy. Crushes can be fed so they grow or starved so they shrivel.

I would, for everyone's sake, back off.
You're hurting because he's pulling away from you.

He's hurting because work's going wrong, his poor wife's ill and he might be feeling guilty about the relationship with you.

She's hurting because she's ill and is seeing her husband struggle at work, and probably knows about his friendship with you and feels uncomfortable with it.

Let them get through this tough time together.

It's not a platonic friendship if you've got a crush on him. Back off and save your energy for someone who is available.

When one friend wants more than just friendship then the relationship becomes unbalanced. It's time to cut the ties a bit here now which should be easier as he has already started to do this as his life has changed enormously.
You can still be there for him if he needs you so you don't have to back off altogether but it's time to change the dynamics now. Let him get on with his life, perhaps text occasionally to see how he is but start concentrating on your own life now. This man is not free so go and find yourself someone who is as it sounds as if you would really like to be in a relationship.

You know the answer to this. You need to pleasantly withdraw from him.

OP I feel for you, I really do, but I think from your post that you know deep down its time to back away from the crush. If you can manage to turn it around to purely platonic then great but it's not easy to do.

His priorities have completely changed. It is possible he knew you had a crush or even had similar feelings and now in the circumstances through guilt and loyalty to his sick wife needs to distance from you to deal with all that is going on. That is actually the decent thing to do on his part.

Totally agree with the other posters to focus this energy into finding someone who is available.

If you're loving someone who is unavailable you're stopping the right person coming into your life.

Good luck OP, it's all going to work out just as it should.

You have a crush on a married man, whose wife is ill.

You fantasised about him leaving her for you.

How on gods earth are you able to justify calling yourself a friend of his, when you are certainly no friend of his marriage?

So you are uncomfortable about distancing yourself from him at this difficult time, when you should be supporting him as a friend? If he is being distant with you, and cancelling appointments, though, then it sounds like maybe he doesn't need your support quite as much as you'd like? Could that be wishful thinking on your part? If you think he really does need your help, how about asking for something specific and practical that you can do to help, e.g. offer to get shopping for him or whatever, then just do that and leave the poor man alone for the rest of the time?

Be honest. This is not a platonic friendship on your part. You hoped he would leave his wife. I expect you each flirted with one another. Now his wife is ill he has come to his senses and is avoiding you.
He is telling you something. Listen and stop chasing him. He's married and you are making an idiot of yourself.

Yeah, back away now. Go and find some different friends - this man has enough on his plate with his wife's health scare, so what may seem like trivial reasons to you may not be trivial to him and if you are feeling hurt because he's "letting you down" then you're still overly invested in this relationship and it's not healthy.

Be there if he needs support - but otherwise let him go and stop trying to make plans to see him.

I can't believe your even asking this question, back the hell off!! He's a married man with a very poorly wife! Maybe he/she has an idea that you gave a crush so he's keeping his distance and quite rightly, focus your attentions on someone else who is available before you make a fool of yourself.

Back off and try to find other interests.

I really want to distance myself from him so that he stops making me unhappy. However,I know that this would be a really selfish thing to do as he needs his friends around him at the moment

Ahh come on Op, pull the other one. You've already admitted he's tried to phase you out, cancelling plans etc. I think he's sensed you're into him and didn't feel the same, he can sense you're looking for your opportunity but he doesn't feel the same.

You're kidding yourself telling yourself you want to stay in touch to be supportive. You want to jump his bones. He knows this. He doesn't want your 'support'

I know that's harsh but stop making a fool of yourself. Just stop contacting him.

It's so so hard when a platonic relationship isn't balanced, and as the other posters say, it isn't, therefore it isn't platonic. You really need to back away from him. As the post before me says - don't kid yourself...he doesn't need you at the moment. It's really hard, I completely understand....read my thread from last week.....liking a guy so much and not having it reciprocated is very hard but the best thing for you (and me in my situation!) to do is walk away. Good luck xxx

Why are you crying about someone unavailable with responsibilities elsewhere? Back off.

cancelling plans

so were you seeing each other?

Was this actually a fledgling affair and it's now hit reality?

I think you are holding info back here- doesn't sound platonic at all.

Hmmmm yes I think pinkfrocks is bang on here

You need to step back and give your head a wobble

You are no friend to him, waiting in the wings like that... If you were really his friend you wouldn't be undermining his wife like this. You sound pretty selfish to be honest.

Perhaps he had you lined up for an affair when his wife became ill and he was shocked back into reality, and what he was doing. Since then he has clearly backed off and is no longer your MM-in-waiting.

Think of that as a lucky escape because he wouldnt have left her but he would have had an affair with you and then dumped you when his wife found out. How do you know they had a rough couple of years? Because he told you. Do you believe him? Then more fool you.

This was an affair that teetered on the absolute edge, and thankfully didnt happen. You are crying now, you would have cried more if it had happened.

Walk away. Stop trying to convince yourself of reasons to hang around. Yes he needs his friends, he doesnt need you.

OP I think posters are being quite harsh. I wouldn't be proud of it but I can imagine having thoughts like you've described re: leaving his wife. I also believe that you honestly don't want to be a crap friend to this man when his wife is ill. I suspect that there will be many others who are better placed to be a friend to him than you are. There's no reason why you should suffer under the circumstances. It does sound as if his life is changing shape at the moment so this would be a good time to quietly step away. If I were you, I'd inquire after his wife when you see him but volunteer no personal information. And if he does suggest meeting up, I would be 'busy'.