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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

now what

10 replies

spankingnewme · 06/07/2014 00:07

This is going to be long and slightly pathetic but bare with me. I posted on here a while back concerned because I'd looked on partners Facebook search log and he had been starting searching for this woman quite a lot. Up to 4 times a day usually at nite wen I was in bed. We weren't getting on well and I just found it a bit off. We made some effort things got better he wasn't looking her up so much. Now because relationship not good again he's been lookin her up again. So I did snoop on his phone's'm not proud. I found nothing and then I decided just to ask him about her casually like you all say to do on here. I asked who she was as she kept coming up as a friend suggestion(a lie) and his face was guilty as sin!! The worst part was he then said she works in their office so it's someone he sees a lot and I just thought it was someone from the past as I thought she lived a long way away. Anyway I'm not happy about it I wasn.t going to give the game away but wen we had an argument it came out and I asked why he was searching for her so much he denies it as he obviously doesn't know it's all there in his search log. I don't believe he's done anything but I do believe he was lining up the next one for if we split which I think is pretty bad! What does everyone think?

OP posts:
MadeMan · 06/07/2014 00:11

I think it's common for people to search for the people they know on Facebook just to be nosey. Even if they aren't on a Friends list you can still usually see things about people and what they get up to.

Facebook is very voyeuristic.

Wrapdress · 06/07/2014 00:13

Is he "friends" with her on Facebook or is he just looking at her public profile and public photos? He could just have a bit of an office crush and likes looking at pictures of her. He may not have crossed any line especially since there was nothing on the phone.

wafflyversatile · 06/07/2014 00:13

My guess would be that he does find her attractive. Being in a relationship doesn't stop us finding others attractive from time to time. I suspect when things are going ok he has the odd idle fantasy about her and when things are going less well with your relationship his idle fantasies increase in scope and frequency.

spankingnewme · 06/07/2014 00:19

Yes friends with her and it's since she added him a couple months back he's been looking her up. It bothers me tho. And the worst part is she is butt ugly!lol anyway yes they probably have some spark goin on but no wonder he's been going off to work reeking of aftershave. Ok so should I not be so annoyed that he has this crush?thing going on? It's worse he lied about it but I don't suppose it's somethin u own up to.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 06/07/2014 00:23

regardless of this woman how is your relationship? How long have you been together, do you live together, do you have kids? What about the 'now things aren't so good again' about?

If your relationship is having more bad patches than good maybe it is time to reassess whether it is the right relationship for you?

Wrapdress · 06/07/2014 00:28

Why would she be coming up as a friend suggestion if she was already friends? Why is he searching for someone already in his friends list?

Aftershave to work...is that a new thing for him?

spankingnewme · 06/07/2014 00:32

He's been looking for her to view her page. Oh I feel pathetic writing this haha. I made out she was coming up as a friend suggestion for ME to ask him who she was? And that's wen he looked shifty as hell and it came out she worked with him and I then realised a few things and saw red and let everythin slip!! Aftershave to this extent fairly new tho he denies it

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/07/2014 07:35

I think, as a PP observed, your relationship is the real problem here. It seems to be going through a lot of bad patches, there's a hell of a lot of mistrust and secrecy, and you don't appear to feel either secure or happy with your partner. The 'woman' is drawing all the fire at the moment.... and it's convenient to be able to pin the blame on something specific .... but I think it's symptomatic of a bad relationship rather than a cause.

How long have you been with your partner and what ties do you have?

spankingnewme · 06/07/2014 07:51

Yes you are right the cogito I even told him it was a symptom of crap relationship. Been together 5 years two young children but am ready to call it a day if we can just get through the initial hard part. Am I right to be annoyed about this woman tho that he seems obsessed with? Pretty sure he'll be trying his luck there if I kick him out!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/07/2014 08:07

You're annoyed. It sounds as though there is a much bigger story here than just some Facebook searches. When you refer to 'the initial hard part' it sounds as though you believe relationships all include hard work, rough times and bad patches. IME it tends to be bad relationships where there is poor compatibility that require lots of effort and compromise

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