I met a guy out last night.....

[MysticMugBug]

I met a man out last night, he seemed nice, so I'll let him take me out as he asked.
I'm anxious as always though, not just about him eventually being put off me (I have a quirky personality, I'm fairly comfortable with it), but because aged 17 an overbearing man I knew attempted to rape me.
I'm scared of being held hostage, as I was alone in that room that night with the twat holding me down.
I have visions of not being able to get free and being pressured into sex.
I would much prefer to be with a man that I have been friends with for a while, but it's not possible most of the time.
Men that are too pushy, needy or forward put me off almost instantly.
Can you help me make the right decision?
thanks so much for any help

So sorry to hear about your experience. I'd go on the date!! Meet in a public place, hopefully that will help you to feel more relaxed. Did you ever seek counselling for what happened to you? Do you think it would help if you had some now?

Try and let him know about your worries ( i guess you don't have to tell him the cause precisely at this stage).

Not your typical first date chat i grant you but if your cards are on the table if he's a decent fella he'll know your boundaries/comfort zone.

Hope it goes well.

I wouldn't tell him - it might feed any ideas he already has. Just meet in public and stay in public.

If you haven't had counselling, get some because this is your life, you pass this way but once.

what decision?

there isn't a decision i can see but an approach.

what are your needs? you need time, you need a man to prove himself trustworthy, you need to see them in public safe spaces and take your time to feel safe being alone with them etc.

so that's what you need and that's what you'll do and if they're not ok with that they'll bog off and that's fine.

how about that?

i've sort of started getting involved with someone with a lot of quirks. hence the sort of started uncertainty of it because there's so much to navigate and who knows if we will navigate it. i can only respect where he's at and decide whether i can or cannot handle it. i can't expect him to magic away the issues.

at first i was totally understanding and more recently i've been like hmm actually can i handle this, what are the implications for me, how is it making me feel etc and i've communicated that concern and it's in his court now. he tells me we've had a really good conversation about it all in his head and it went very well lol now only he can decide if and when he's ready to try and have that conversation with me in real life and then i can decide how i feel after that.

there are no promises in the early days and no entitlements. if you don't want to have sex you don't have to, if you can't handle being alone together then you can't and if he isn't ok with that then he's not and he'll go.

imo very few of us are walking around without baggage and some issues but those of us who own those issues and are aware of them tend to be less dangerous and harmful than those who are blind to them.

hope you're ok - this stuff can be so anxiety provoking that it can feel safer to just steer clear of the whole thing but i think all of us need some closeness and intimacy sometimes so it's never a forever solution x

What you're describing is the fear of a loss of control. Understandable given your bad experience. How long ago was the incident? Was it ever reported to the police? Have you received any counselling as a result? In the meantime, with the nice man that wants to take you out, the key is to maintain a feeling of control, take it very slowly, get to know him as a friend and see if he is someone you think you can trust. If not, then that's as a far as it goes.

If you go out and try or hope to meet a man this is going to happen, isn't it?
It would be naive of you to think otherwise given your experience.

How many men- if at all- have you been out with since the incident before?
How did you vope then?

You need to try to put that awful experience into perspective.
Not every man is going to behave like that.
Very few do.

You might find CBT works better than counselling- have you been to see your GP to discuss because what you have is a type of phobia.

What an horrible experience, im not surprised your anxious. Not all men are like that though, I think always make sure your in a very public place and let someone know where you are at all times. If you feel uncomfortable at any point just make your excuse and go.

Could you not chat on the phone exchange a few txts etc before you meet try and make you feel more comfortable I know its always helped me. Try not to worry and enjoy the date x

Please don't tell this man about the rape. I'm sorry but that makes you a sitting duck. This man may or not be a decent bloke but agree with previous replies meet in a public place and phone text for a while before you meet up.

agree - this isn't the kind of thing you spill out to someone unless you trust them. you don't owe him any explanation - have your boundaries where you want and need them, he'll respect that or not. it's actually a good thing in some ways in terms of finding out early if someone respects other people's rights to do what they need rather than just cater to what they want.

Did you tell anyone in rl after that experience? Were you offered counselling?

I'd be cautious about confiding your past experience to a stranger early on. (Aware how ironic that sounds, given that you are posting on MN).

Meet up somewhere public, tell someone else where you're going, don't accept a lift home from him before you know him better.

It's natural to be nervous on the first couple of dates, don't worry about how you come across. It's also not illegal if you get part way through a lunch or evening and decide this isn't working for you. Even if you have a great time, remember you don't owe him anything.

I'm sorry to hear of your experience...and as other suggest, perhaps counselling would be an idea.

Re the dating a 'stranger'....I can add to this my suggestions and tell you what I do on a date...(I'm new to dating after 20 yrs), I am as cautious as the next.

When I meet someone for a date, it is usually with someone I have met online. I will always meet in a public place, sometimes in the daytime, not always for an evening date. I always make sure my BF has their full name and phone number. If I don't know their full name I text in advance and say that I hope they don't mind but I am quite security conscious and would they mind letting me have their full name. (I obviously also google them and look on facebook etc) They usually reply and make a joke and ask any other info required and I joke back inside leg measurement.

My BF will text me half an hour after I meet them, and I say that I am sorry, but I must reply to her as she is checking that I am ok - they always say that is fine, and they understand, and I then make a joke out of it and say she worries about me, and that I have to text her when I leave too, and when I get home. I figure if they are a chancer then at least they know that someone knows where I am and is checking on me.

I realise it could be a false name and number etc, but I hope that it makes me less easy prey....

This also doesn't really address the fact that your unfortunate incident was with someone you know, but perhaps it can just help to make you feel a little more secure with a stranger?

I have been on quite a few dates now, and not one of them minded being asked and told me they thought it was very sensible, and that they would hope their daughters (where applicable) are also so sensible...

And as to not wanting to have sex or being pressurised, I think that if you can keep yourself out in public and not at your place or his place etc, you will be less likely to get in a situation. Don't feel pressured if he suggests meeting at his, or picking you up, and just tell him that you don't feel comfortable with it and would prefer to meet there.

Most of all, enjoy and have a good time! x