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Original poster

Dump or see what happens?

25 replies

heartsinktimeagain · 05/07/2014 19:46

What do you do when a man who you feel very attracted to, have had truly great sex with, get along with like you've known them for ages, feel like you've clicked with - then goes and declares he's fallen in love with you?

I'm not ready for anything like that. I made a joke of it being about the endorphins (which is what it is because I've got them too, but I'm not naive enough to think I'm in love). I worry that he's falling too hard and too fast (and I've told him that) and I want to take things very slowly, have fun and see where it goes. He doesn't appear to have listened - in his defence he texted this morning and said he was drunk when he said it and doesn't want to scare or pressure me. I don't have a problem telling him (again) that it's too soon (by far). But - should I treat this only as a red flag or just have the conversation and see how it feels over the next few days? I think he believes it, despite what he is saying now.What would you do? Would you dump immediately?

OP posts:
hashtagwhatever · 05/07/2014 19:48

How long have you been seeing each other?

Original poster
heartsinktimeagain · 05/07/2014 19:51

6 weeks or so - not long enough to know anything like what I need to but long enough to know I like him. We slept together for the first time last weekend.

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 05/07/2014 19:55

Why would you dump a man who you describe in such glowing terms in your first paragraph ? Perhaps he did just got carried away. He hasn't asked you to marry him as well has he? He sounds nice, just relax and don't worry too much.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 05/07/2014 19:56

I'd wait and see, and keep an eye out for signs of being rushed into things.

Original poster
heartsinktimeagain · 05/07/2014 19:57

Because I know what early declarations can mean. Suddenly it feels risky.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartsinktimeagain · 05/07/2014 20:00

I'm being a twat aren't I Blush

OP posts:
CatKisser · 05/07/2014 20:03

I'd give the bloke a chance. You sound like you know your own boundaries - yes in some cases it can be a red flag, but listen to your gut. Sounds to me he's just really, really fallen for you.

wyrdyBird · 05/07/2014 20:06

No, you're not. I get the feeling you've been stung by the 'early love declaration + we just clicked' scenario before, and maybe you feel uncomfortable.
I'd probably see how it goes, at this stage.

TheWorldAccordingToJC · 05/07/2014 20:07

I actually think it's YOU who is over thinking this one actually, if I read between the lines...

vicmackie · 05/07/2014 20:12

I'd be uncomfortable too if it were me. I don't think you're being a twat, I think you're being very sensible and alert and mindful of your boundaries. I don't know if I'd necessarily dump at this stage but I would definitely be proceeding with caution and if there were any other worrying signs I'd walk away.

vicmackie · 05/07/2014 20:13

How old are you both, by the way, and what are your respective relationship histories?

hashtagwhatever · 05/07/2014 20:22

I'd definitely give him a chance

Itsfab · 05/07/2014 20:28

I would give him a chance, not that I think he has done anything wrong.

I knew after a very short time I loved my new boyfriend. He did not respond in kind then, took another 3 months, but I knew he loved me before he told me and we were having a great time together. No reason at all to finish things. He told me it was too soon when I proposed but I expect I told him often I wanted to marry him, I loved him and I knew he loved me. No doubt some posters would say I was a PITA. Don't care. He was obviously fine with it. Now been together 18 1/2 years Shock and married for 15.

Original poster
heartsinktimeagain · 05/07/2014 20:34

We are both late forties, both been married before, divorced a long time, he's on good terms with his ex wife, no bitterness at all, no affairs on either side (he's been very open, I'm less willing to share too much at this stage but there's no big bad secrets)

I'm overthinking. I wasn't - but I am now.

OP posts:
rosepetalsoup · 05/07/2014 20:38

Poor bloke! And how nice that he's fallen for you!
Give it a chance - sometimes men say ily earlier than women but are feeling the same (i.e. wow, finally a good one has come along after years of waiting / duds).
Enjoy it!

CatKisser · 05/07/2014 20:40

Aw don't ruin something that could be good through looking for potential red flags. You've got your head screwed on right - if he carries on when you've specifically told him you want to go slowly, THATS a red flag.

Rustywater · 05/07/2014 20:41

He sounds nice. He just got a bit carried away :) poor man... He sounds sensitive enough to appreciate it's early days - he's texted to say he was a bit drunk etc. Why on earth would you dump him?! If you like him continue seeing him and say you want to take it slowly and see where it leads.

Hassled · 05/07/2014 20:42

See what happens. I didn't know early declarations of love were a big red flag until I read so on MN - sometimes they're just what they are, ie early declarations of love. Give it some time.

Original poster
heartsinktimeagain · 05/07/2014 20:49

Perhaps I take too much of what is said on the relationships board as gospel. I think there's a lot of that, I lurk a fair bit.

He is lovely. Kind, thoughtful, funny, respectful. Jesus, I should get over myself and get on with enjoying it Smile

OP posts:
TheWorldAccordingToJC · 05/07/2014 21:14

Then stop looking for problems which aren't there ... Smile

WildBillfemale · 06/07/2014 10:04

I'm being a twat aren't I blush

not quite but you are overthinking!

Go with the flow and maybe stay off mumsnet for a while!

Joysmum · 06/07/2014 10:37

I think this is where mumsnet affects us.

I've read numerous threads warning how early declaration of love and things moving too fast is the first signs of a mans personality disorder manifesting it's self and that these were red flags.

If everything is good in every other way and there's no sign of controlling behavior then you're ok. If there are other issues at play then you're no over thinking it.

Wishyouwould · 06/07/2014 15:19

I can understand why you are feeling like this OP - if someone I'd only known for 6 weeks told me they loved me I'd feel the same. How often do you see him/speak to him? Sometimes it can be a sign of someone needy but time will tell.

I wouldn't dump for this - just see how it goes.

Original poster
heartsinktimeagain · 06/07/2014 17:37

I see him a couple of times a week and speak on the phone once a day to catch up. We natter, send each other music we think the other would ilke, that sort of thing. Met him at a conference a few months back and got on really well so it started from there.

But we have spoken since I posted - initiated by him. He's realised he's moved too fast and isn't going to put any pressure on, says I'm worth waiting for if it's going to happen and if not, it's all cool. Needy was what I'm afraid of but to be fair he has a life and friends and family who mean a lot to him and he's been doing his thing this weekend without showing any neediness. But I shall proceed with caution if only because I don't know him well enough to make any kind of solid judgment.

Thank you.

OP posts:
scotchtikidoll · 06/07/2014 17:44

It will mean soooo much more if and when you actually say it, as opposed to it being said as a 'thank you.'

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