Found out yesterday partner has been having an affair.

[thecatsmother72]

I am heartbroken. We've been together for 16 years. The last few have been tough, as I have been dealing with issues relating to abuse I went through as a child. We had a trial separation for 3 months from March to June and I was so positive we had turned a corner. But now I've discovered he slept with a woman from work twice. Once last summer and once in Jan. I can't stop shaking.

I'm so sorry. It's a horrible thing to go through.

How did you find out? I'm afraid you may have to be prepared for moe revelations. They usually admit to the minimum possible.

The usual advice is to ask him to leave immediately. Then you can get your head straight about what you want to do.

Given that you've already had a trial separation, perhaps this is the time to end it.

Again I'm so sorry. Do you have real-life support? If so please make use of it. Treat yourself kindly. Milky drinks and soup are good if you can't eat. X

Thank you X. I had suspicions and, to my shame, I checked his phone. There were texts from around April and May in which she was getting annoyed that he was ignoring her. He says they have ended it, officially around March time. I feel sick.

The problem is that he works with her and sees her every day. He says he wants he and I to remain together but, given the problems we've had in the past, he isn't sure we can. But some of those problems stem from him sabotaging us IYSWIM.

I have friends but nobody knows yet. I don't speak to my mother. Relationship with father is Ok. I just feel in so much pain.

Call a friend or your mother today and see if someone can come round.

I'd seriously try to get him out of the house. You really don't need to be dealing with seeing him at the moment.

Do you have children together?

Sorry not your mother - call a friend.

He was sleeping with the OW before the trial separation, Eight.

Eightyears- he slept with her before the trial separation.

No children. He's currently in bed asleep. What is really killing me is that one of the occasions was a work trip and they shared a bed in the hotel and spent the whole night together. Like an intimate couple.

My mother and I don't have a relationship so I can't get her round but I know I need to get friends support. God I feel so knocked for six.

Hi eight. The trial separation happened because we had got tied up in destructive patterns of behaviour and we wanted to give each other space. We had been having a tough few years. We agreed during that time to remain faithful. But it turns out he slept with her before anyway

Trial separation is maybe not the most accurate term. The focus was always on us both getting space and coming back together. And it did work, during our time apart we still communicated, went in dates etc. And when I moved back, a couple of weeks ago, things were so much better and we were both happier. But now I have this information.

Kick him out.

There will have been a lot more than two occasions :(

Going to wake him up now and talk to him. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I could punch through a wall right now.

So sorry....you need some space

I'm so sorry for you. I've been there. MN was a tower of strength for me and helped me through some very dark nights.

It never ceases to amaze me how they can sleep, probably in the same bed as you! You are left in turmoil, not sleeping, not eating.

Talk to him, stay calm but it's best to ask him to leave. My guess is that he will blame the bad time you've been going through on the affair but did you have an affair when things got bad? No! It's a choice they make, it hurts beyond belief and it's the most disrespectful thing they can do.

You need to take your time, you will go through a mountain of emotions. You do need RL support but also use MN for support. When you are ready book an STI check, the nurse I saw was very caring with me. He has put your health at risk too.

Try and say as little as possible and let him talk, you will find out more that way, if you do want to find out more.

I'll log on later to see how you are. I'm sorry you are at the start of this

Thank you xxx

You're not alone, remember that. I felt so alone at the start of my experience. People here understand xx

So sorry to read this OP.
I will briefly repeat what I very often do on these threads and it was only after it happened to me that I realised there was a script that all cheating twunts seemed to follow. I wish I'd have been aware of it when I first discovered the cheating.

Anyway, deny, delete, minimise...
Deny it happened, delete texts and emails, then when you present your evidence (screen shots, bank statements etc) minimise...
We only messaged, only met once, only kissed and my absolute favourite, we met but I couldn't do it, yeah, really......

My OH stayed in a hotel (well premier inn, classy) all night with Ow and I understand how that makes you feel....

What you need to be prepared for is that they may have met more than once, lunches, days off together, early starts as well as late nights and off sites......

And sadly you need to be prepared that there may be others.....

I can also understand that in your mind you knew there were some issues to be straightened out and you thought you were both working together to resolve them. For me it was similar, I'd instigated the 'talk' given him an opportunity to discuss, and he assured me all was well.

He will need to leave so that you can process this information and decide what you wish to do going forward. He will need to answer all of your questions and have totally transparency with phone and email, all of them, work and personal. My OH used his blackberry for all of his messaging etc. knowing I would never look at it as I thought it was just work stuff....

If you want to get past this and move on with your relationship with him then I would also insist that he looks for another job. And I would take no ifs or buts around that.

Sorry if I've gone on a bit PM if you'd like to.
We are here for you and we know how you feel...

It's so horrible when you find out for sure
Definitely get a friend to support you.
Don't keep his dirty secret.
I did for a while and that's my biggest regret. Dealing with it all alone.
Once you get it out there you will feel better and your friend will want to help you.
Lots of us have been where you are so we can hp you through.
Mine had affair after 15 years of marriage.
Be good to yourself. Sugary tea. Ice lollies. Smoothies. Soups. Bananas.
The pain is indescribable. The tears will be never ending.
But things will get better.
It takes time though.
This is a grieving process.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Others here have given you some practical advice, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this.

Don't let him weasel his way out of this until you have had the time and space to decide what you want to do. Spending a whole weekend away together with this woman is more than just two one night stands. He has clearly been leading her on (hence her texts), and to be quite frank, he sounds like a complete bastard.

But I know that doesn't help you right now.

Thank-you all for your support. I really, really appreciate it. And I'm sorry to everyone who's gone through what I'm going through now.

Update is that he will be spending tonight in a hotel. My head is spinning. He is absolutely adamant that they only slept together twice. The first time was when he was on the way to visit a friend (he basically stopped off and fucked her, from what I gather) last summer and the other time was the work trip in January. In between they have sometimes gone for lunch but nothing sexual. He says he finished it, in March (around the time I moved out). Swears she never came to our house.

He acknowledges the fact that we were both going through a hard time but he made the choice to shag someone else.

I have told him that while I sort things out he must have zero contact with her unless absolutely necessary and work related. He must tell her on Monday there will be no more lunches together, no more texting. He has agreed to this.

Bit of background. Three years ago I had a breakdown. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by my stepfather with my mother's knowledge. I had CBT which helped me immeasurably and also saw a Rape Crisis counsellor. I made a police complaint but the CPS decided not to prosecute. During this period I also lost my job. (I have another one now). My partner was hugely supportive throughout all of this. But it took its toll on us.

He says what drove him to this affair was the fact that he felt on his own throughout all this. We dealt with much of it by ourselves. This is bollocks isn't it.

So he will go later today and I will think and try to consume something other than camomile tea. But I feel sick.

Yes it is bollocks.

He might swear on his mother's grave that he only did this or that, but that doesn't make it true, unfortunately. I read all my husband's emails to his lover, and knew he'd been on holiday several times with her - skiing, cycling, canoeing, beach - as well as paying by the hour in sex hotels, but I didn't tell him how much I knew and confronted him with just some parts at first. He kept on denying it; if I'd only known a few things I wouldn't have been able to tell that he was lying.

My husband was "driven" to his affair too, of course. The poor thing felt so awful that he just had to stay in sex hotels and tell her how happy he was to be with her, and how he knew he should be feeling bad about having an affair, but didn't feel bad at all.

The good thing about knowing what a complete bastard they have been is that you don't miss them as much when they are gone. I'm not happy at the treatment I got, but boy am I glad not to have seen him for weeks now. And with the distance I'm starting to see that I was making him out to be a better husband than he was even before anything happened.

thecatsmother72 - hugs

I'm going through a similar thing with my wife. It's been almost a week and a half since I found out about her one night stands and long term affair.

This is an ugly, emotional time where you'll go through almost every emotion under the sun. Let it all out.

Always remember this was his choice. You are not to blame.

Stay strong. You're in my thoughts.