When the 'OW' is the ex

[Ineedtoletgo]

I've NC for this.

How is one meant to move on? Obviously he still has to see her and be in contact with her as they have DC. It was an EA a year and a half ago. We'd been together just over 2 years then.

I typed out the beginning part of the long farcical tale but I'm an emotional mess at the moment and it just makes me cry

His ex can be very unreasonable and has caused a lot of upset in the past. She was not happy about him firstly daring to be with someone else 6 years post divorce and secondly having children with me.

I just don't know how to cope with it now. I know I get so unreasonably upset over the little things she does. Her manipulation is still allowed to take place because it's easier for him to deal with that and the fallout at this end than to face her. We had a frightful argument this afternoon over something so trivial but when it comes to her I just see red.

I feel like if he'd just gone out an shagged a random that would have been easier to live with and move on from. At least all contact would have been severed. I feel like I'm constantly on edge, waiting for the next time she's going to try to rock the boat. Also because it wasn't a physical affair he doesn't see it as being that bad but the messages they were exchanging around the time along with his many lies still hurt.

I want to be with him. I want to make a future with him. We have DC together and I am in love with him. Most of the time things are lovely but the moment I just feel like I'm stuck and I can't go on. We talk and talk and talk and talk but nothing ever changes, I tell him how I feel and he understands until he loses patience with me and it blows up like it did this afternoon.

How can I get over it? Would counselling help? He's suggested I see a Dr but I don't think I'm sick, just a bit sad. I'm fine in other areas of my life but this still floors me.

I'm not really understanding.. he's been seeing his ex behind your back? Do they have kids together?

Yes they do, sorry I missed that bit.

and as for telling you to see a doctor is a major insult... if he's been having an EA there is no time frame to get over it, especially when he doesn't seem to give a toss about how it makes you feel!

It's so complicated and that's partly why I feel so stupid for getting so upset.

He was inappropriately close with her (discussing me and our relationship, telling her he missed her, constantly texing and lying to me about where he was etc - I know it doesn't seem much written down but at the time it was pretty devastating to find out he'd gone behind my back like that)

That was over a year and a half ago though. It's just that he's still in contact with her (obviously due to the DC - I know it would be unreasonable for him not to be in contact with her) I find it all a bit much sometimes that I'm just expected to move on from it and act like nothing happened.

Thank you, I think after all this time it is irritating him that I can't let it go and he is sick of telling me he loves me and wants me and she means nothing to him. It still grates to hear him speaking to her, know he's texting her or going there. I'm not asking him not to do these things as I know it's necessary - just understand my hurt which is still there and seems to be manifesting as anger at the moment.

I think I just need a little outside perspective.

Hey, Ineed. This is a really really difficult situation.

A few questions:

Do you feel that he understood and sympathized and apologized for what he did at the time? And later?

Do you feel you got to the bottom of what happened? That the truth was 'resolved' for you?

What were the consequences of what happened? Can you, for example, see all the communication between them if you feel the need?
Do you have your own relationship with her?

XP did a similar thing to me (with his XW). It was always 'my problem'. He was telling me everything was great and whingeing about me behind my back. Thankfully he is an ex now.

Discussing your relationship with her would be a deal breaker for me. It is the height of disloyalty. What has he done to resolve the situation (other than tell you to see a doctor)?

Bloodonthetracks
No, not straight away. It still carried on for a while after I found out as I sort of buried my head in the sand and he didn't really think he was doing anything wrong. It wasn't until I found some inappropriate messages that it all came to a head (we nearly split up over it) and he apologised profusely and realised that she still counts as another woman, even though he has a history with her...

To be honest I still don't feel like I understand exactly what went on. There have been so many lies I don't know what's not true and what is.

He says I can read his messages anytime I feel I need to as he has nothing to hide anymore and he doesn't - the messages are mostly discussing the arrangements re the DC apart from the odd piece of news but it's the friendly banter and things like 'I'll tell you properly when I see you' that make me sick to my stomach. I know that he wouldn't do that to me again but it's just a constant reminder and makes me so cross that they've just picked up as normal and I'm seen as being so unreasonable for having a problem with it.

I don't have any relationship with her. I don't think I would really want to either.

You're not going to get over it, are you? Not unless he pulls out all the stops and starts treating you like the most important woman in his life.

Sorry, I very much doubt if this is going to happen because in his eyes it is all your problem. Other than ltb I have no solution for you.

I don't think you can simply 'get over it'. He severely damaged your trust at the outset and, because he's still involved with the ex for the sake of his DCs, that mistrust is colouring everything. You appear to be in an established behaviour pattern where he continues to be (too?) close to his ex, allows himself to be manipulated or whatever and the result is that you feel like you're taking second place in his affections. All the 'she means nothings' and 'I love yous' in the world are not going to convince you to trust someone you don't trust, I'm sorry. Talking does not increase trust. Him losing patience does not increase trust.

You can't remove this woman from your lives so you're left with two choices. Carry on as you are, trying (and failing) to swallow the unhappiness best you can or end the relationship, go your separate ways and try to build something with someone that you can trust.

I don't fully understand.
We're they together before he met you, and then began an affair after you were married is that correct?

I don't think he or she will change he is still treating her like a girlfriend.

All that will happen unless HE gets help , is that you will grind yourself into the ground becoming more unhappy by the day.

The fact that you want the marriage to work is quite frankly irrelevant.

It takes two people to make it work, one to destroy it, and from what you have written that is exactly what is happening here.

This has not been fully resolved and needs to be if there is any hope for your relationship and sanity in the future.

You should ask to attend counseling where this a central point of discussion, both to get to the bottom of what happened and what is best moving forward. Currently he has the situation set up as best for HIM. He has a compartmentalized, affectionate and intimate relationship with both you and his ex, which lessens guilt and makes him feel the most manly and important person in the equation. There is nothing wrong with having a good, positive relationship with a co-parent, that's ideal, but the most important thing is that boundaries are clearly drawn and there is a sense of transparency and trust. The most important relationship is between you and him, and everything else (aside from children, maybe) has to bend around that. That is actually better for everyone in the long run and makes things clear. Currently he is the one profiting the most and being pandered to all round. From your declarations of love for him and wanting it to work, I suggest this won't change until you accept that you are allowed to put this on the table and you are allowed to walk away if this situation does not change to your satisfaction.

Ideally you also need to burst this bubble of compartmentalized worlds he has going on. It gives him full power and you nothing but his word for things. You need to think seriously about why you don't want to be in touch with his ex (if kids are involved and this is long term, it might make things easier).

The friendly banter you describe would bother me too given the history between them. It does sound like they are too close for comfort and that he is not putting you first. Suggesting you see a doctor is not on, and designed to make you out to be the problem here. What he should be doing is his utmost to restore your trust in him by keeping contact with her to a minimum and taking your worries seriously. If he was truly sorry and wanted to work at your relationship he would not be angry with the way you're feeling, or continuing to send texts to his ex which refer to meeting up for a chat. As someone with an exh and kids, you don't need to meet up at length to discuss things. Short but friendly handovers and emails for any longer messages are perfectly adequate, especially in your circumstances and given that he should be building up your trust. I think counselling is a must to get to the root of all this. But otherwise I would be seriously considering getting out of this unhealthy relationship before you're completely ground down by it.

Thank you everyone for your replies on this. It's helped me to discuss this with him and explain that although I don't doubt he loves me and I don't think he's going to go running off with her, it doesn't mean I don't find her continuing and full on presence in his (and consequently my) life difficult to cope with.

We talked a lot last night and he seems to understand that my anger and hurt is not going to just disappear and it's unfair of him to expect me to just snap out of this way of thinking. We are going to arrange some counselling for us also. We've had similar conversations in the past where I try to explain that we can't just brush it under the carpet and move on. He knows that I'm serious about not continuing with our relationship if things don't change. I just hope I'm strong enough to actually follow through on that one. I really really hope we can get through this.

This thread has really helped me to gain some perspective on this, I felt like I was ridiculous to still be carrying around this much hurt.

At 22.06 you said 'I know he wouldn't do it to me again' but....you don't or can't know that and that is the issue isn't it OP. His behaviour since is not assuring you of this and he has shown precious little empathy and blaming you for not getting over it - cheeky bastard!
Discussing my relationship with anyone would give me serious miff but with her? That would be curtains for me I'm afraid and you are dead right to feel the way you do