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Relationships

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Original poster

He upped and left. Sorry might be long.

22 replies

susyq1967 · 04/07/2014 17:30

Hi I am new to this and searching for answers or advise. My DH is ASD (Not diagnosed) and it is something I only became aware of with time and due to the job I do. He has not yet accepted this. I don't want to post this in the special needs forum as I am not really sure his ASD is the issue. He is a lovely bloke, not abusive and does everything for me. We both have full time professional jobs. He has never been good at expressing himself.
Last weekend, I asked him if he was happy. He said no. I prodded (as you need to be specific with ASD) and he said he didn't think he loved me and needed to move out to evaluate. We were off out planning our lunch! I was totally shocked. He was gone within half an hour.

Now, hindsight is great eh? I realised that he had been unhappy for some time. I think deep down I was aware that there was something wrong. Sex was not happening although it was great in the beginning. I think I was scared to ask knowing if I asked I might not like what I heard.

So, I gave him loads of stuff about ASD and he says he "ticks a few boxes". He still needs 2 weeks to "Evaluate" our relationship. He said we are incompatible (although we are more compatible and do more things together than most of our friends), and he couldn't see a future with me. We were planning to retire abroad! I think possibly he may be depressed (which is common with ASD). So, he might decide that he does love me. He thinks his love is measured by how much he misses me. But I doubt it. I think he is gone for good.
So, now I am wondering, can I face the rest of my life with him? I DO love him but realise that I sniped at him. (He doesn't do arguing). Sex will probably never get any better (if at all). Does anybody have experience of living in a "friendship" type marriage? I think if the relationship pressure was off him, we would get along really well? Is that enough? We are mid 40's. Together 9 years married 6. Thank you for reading

OP posts:

Blinkyb · 04/07/2014 17:39

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My dp asked for space and left last week. I couldn't wait for him so broke it off. It is very hard I know and the pain is unbearable. Perhaps your husband needs some time to miss you. Being good friends is part of being Together and it does take work to keep the spark alive. Has he been in contact?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2014 17:39

Where exactly did you snipe at him? Even assuming he returns - which seems wildly optimistic - is all you really want out of the next 30, 40 years of married life friendship? Leaving the alleged ASD out of the picture all you're describing is someone who is unaffectionate, uncommunicative, says they are unhappy and has left without warning. That's not all that uncommon and, in your shoes, I would assume he's gone for good and start planning the next phase of your life accordingly. Sorry you've had such a nasty experience

ohisay · 04/07/2014 17:42

I'm sorry you are going through this. my honest answer would be no, you cant go through life with a friendship in place of a relationship, they are two different things really.
if you decide together to work at the things that aren't right between you, then good for you. but don't settle for half a relationship, you deserve more.

KoalaDownUnder · 04/07/2014 17:43

I don't think you need to throw in the towel just yet. But I do wonder what you mean by taking 'the relationship pressure' off...you're married, you can't go back to being just friends!

And why are you resigned to the sex never getting any better?

adaorarda · 04/07/2014 17:44

why do you want to continue the marriage without sex/a marital type relationship? i'm not sure i understand your motivation to suggest that as an option.

Original poster

susyq1967 · 04/07/2014 17:54

The sniping was frustration I guess. I think I was being mean and looking for a response. He IS ASD. That is what I do. And I have realised this fully for about 3 years but just said he was "a bit ASD" (although he is very high functioning) After reading the boards, they are so depressing but I have fully realised how impaired he is and how things may never change, at least he can't. I will have to modify myself. He did embarrass me slightly sometimes but not to the extent I was cringing.

Sex is an issue for some with ASD. I never realised this. It was good at the start, but never earth shattering. I could quite easily do without! However, when it dwindled, I put it down to him just not fancying me anymore. I have put on over a stone since we married 6 years ago.

As I said, he is a lovely decent man and we have a good life. He is not unaffectionate and uncommunicative, he just can't always say what he needs to say and say it in the right way.

OP posts:

QuiteSo · 04/07/2014 17:58

I don't think this has anything to do with ASD. He's clearly said he thinks you're incompatible and he has left. Chances are he's screwing someone else.

Original poster

susyq1967 · 04/07/2014 18:11

You couldn't be more wrong. Not all men are like that you know. I know without a shadow of doubt that he isn't.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 18:13

Gone within half an hour! Very odd. Sounds like he couldn't wait to be outta there. Where did he go to?

adaorarda · 04/07/2014 18:16

Yes i strongly suspect that the ASD thing is a red herring. he is not happy and has left. whether he has ASD traits or not is immaterial.

when someone is "different" in a way that seems easy to label, sometimes one is tempted to use that to explain things away. but really, you say he can't always say what he needs to say and say it in the right way... is it possible that the things he says don't sit well with you, so you explain them away? rather than just listening to him and taking what he says at face value with no cajoling or prompting?

i appreciate that you work in a field related to ASD but understand that therapeutic techniques are not to be used as relationship-management techniques. you can't be his nurse and his wife at the same time.

i think you need to step very far back from this and start focusing on your emotions, rather than his perceived "symptoms".

QuiteSo · 04/07/2014 18:17

It may seem unlikely to you, but to me it sounds like the script: been unhappy for ages, not in love any more, need space, blah blah blah. Bet you a fiver he's shagging a work colleague.

Original poster

susyq1967 · 04/07/2014 18:33

The ASD does complicate things. He was gone in half an hour because he can not cope with strong emotions. He has been back for some clothes. He is staying with a friend a few miles away.
And Quite so. You have obviously met your fair share of men who shit on you? Regardless of what you think, they are not all like that and I know he isn't shagging one of his firefighter colleagues. Now THAT, I would bet Five grand on

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2014 18:39

Regardless of the ASD, he has cleared out and he shows no intention of returning at the moment. This puts you in exactly the same position as a lot of other 'abandoned' wives, sadly. You don't really have a proper explanation for his behaviour, although your understanding of ASD is neatly plugging a lot of the gaps, so your choices are to either wait home until he has a change of heart .... or take him on face-value, get legal advice and start preparing for independence. I would suggest, for your self-respect, that you do the latter.

adaorarda · 04/07/2014 18:50

He was gone in half an hour because he can not cope with strong emotions

see, again... you don't know that. he may have gone that quickly because he really doesn't give a shit anymore. he may have been fed up for such a long time that he's incredibly relieved to have the opportunity to go.

get angry, expect more for yourself than this. think about yourself and what YOU want.

IamMrsJones · 04/07/2014 18:51

I have ASD (actually diagnosed) and I don't act like this. Most people I know with ASD do not act like this. This doesn't sound like an ASD issue at all, just someone who has very coldly finished your marriage.

I hope you are ok.

Doitforme · 04/07/2014 19:31

Im sorry but it sounds like you were aware that things were not right for awhile. He sounds like he is having an affair. I know you don't believe this and have put a huge amount of money on it but (and I do hope that we are wrong) I think that this is what you will find eventually. There are so very many sad threads on here by posters going through the same thing.

MoroMou · 04/07/2014 19:54

A person can have an affair even if you think there is absolutely no opportunity due to work and home commitments. It can and is done. I know someone who has been having an affair for 9 years and his wife has no clue at all. Gone within half an hour without even trying to talk about if makes me think he was looking for a free pass to go.

I'm sorry this has happened to you but please be prepared for the news that there is an OW. Just in case.

Egghead68 · 04/07/2014 20:00

I too think he's got another woman. I'm very sorry. Can you check his phone records?

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 20:58

I know quite a few ASD men. Son in law - singularly uninterested in women other than his wife. Brother - faithful as far as I know. Father - put it about like a real bastard when young, settled by 50... I know of one ASD woman who doesn't like or want sex, but all the others I know want a lot of it, preferably with the person they love.

Your man might be ASD or not. He might be having an affair or not. You gave him a way out and he took it. He was mentally ready to leave at the first opportunity.

I'm not as lacking in hope for your relationship as some seem to be, but the swift disappearing act does seem to indicate he's not committed to it.

Doitforme · 04/07/2014 23:23

Its not really lacking in hope for OPs relationship, its knowing the pattern of what he is doing and the words he has said. Men generally don't leave a relationship unless there is someone else waiting in the wings. He is also doing the "rewriting" of their history " thing too. No one is trying to be negative, its just that OP is trying desperately to find a reason for his behaviour. Sending him information on his possible condition etc. Its natural to do that but unfortunately the simplest answer is that he is not in love with her anymore and possibly his affections have been turned elsewhere.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 05/07/2014 05:17

That's me told. Can't think why you bothered.

Fideliney · 05/07/2014 05:27

I think this has everything to do with ASC, particularly the 'doesn't do arguing' thing, which is typical of AS and can stop conflict from getting resolved.

How does his not arguing play out?

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