Can you help me understand what's happened to my relationship?

[springchickennolonger]

Hi all. I'm an occasional poster. Perhaps I just need to have a bit of a rant to get things off my chest. I just don't know any more. But I think my telationship is over and I'd appreciate some thoughts.

It's a long term relationship-nearly 30 years. Over the past 7 or eight years things at home have been getting very strained. We've both had a bit of a hard time: I've lost the last close family member I had, I gave up work-probably unwisely-and became a sahm with a variety of short-term, casual jobs. He lost his (very well-paid) job and has struggled workwise since. I struggled with the school-gate stuff and the feeling that I wasn't adequate as a mother, that I was too old to be attractive to a man, and the menopause. I was lonely and frustrated, and dragged down by the feeling that I wasn't making the grade as a parent (being older and out of touch). I lost my self-esteem, which wasn't helped by dp's contemptuous attitude towards me. Here's some typical examples of his behaviour:

not wanting to sleep in the same bed.
not showing any affection towards me.
refusing to come home from work at a given time.
ignoring me in public, or behaving disrespectfully to me in public.
not completing (short) family holidays due to work.
behaving rudely to my parents when they were alive and showing no empathy to my remaining family members' health (or towards me in my attempts at dealing with them).
being a fantastic dad when it suits him but not helping with the school run, pickups, holidays when it could benefit me (eg to work).

Things came to a head about four years ago when, after a petty quarrel, I blew up at him and organised some counselling to try to manage my anger better. I dragged him to a session where I was accused of having a go at him over perceived "failings". Things got a little better as, gradually, he found more work, dd got older and I began to get out more, made some new friends and got an absorbing hobby. I'm also able to work more now. His behaviour has temained pretty much the same, but as some of my old confidence has come back, I'm less affected by it, iyswim. I'm beginning to feel more like my old self now.

Things came to a head again a few weeks ago when I discovered he had been using dd's tablet to access porn, which had been screenshot by mistake. He didn't deny it (he couldn't, really)!. During the ensuing conversation he basically said "well, it takes two, doesn't it?", citing the reason as my unwillingness to initiate sex. When I pointed out that, in order to have sex, there has to be intimacy and affection, he started to blub, which made me feel guilty. He says he wants to "try again" but spent only one night in my bed, claiming to be too hot, too uncomfortable etc.

He has agreed to counselling but hasn't organised anything. Sex is sporadic and unsatisfactory.

So, is he right? Am I expecting too much? Should I be giving more? I really don't know what else to try. I feel I've put loads into the relationship: giving up my career, not expecting help from him, decorating and furnishing the house (his house!), not expecting him to pay for anything for dd, or holidays etc.

Any thoughts (apart from ltb, which I'm kind of expecting). Quite nice to have a rant!

Thanks for letting

He said he would

Oops! Tablet fail!

This is a very difficult situation. I think if the counselling worked then maybe try that again. Also if you have got a bit of confidence back maybe use that to get his attention e.g. New sexy under garments or changing your makeup a little or hair style.

Maybe even a date night once a month. Just you and him go out for dinner or out to the cinema or something you both enjoy and can have fun with without friends or dd there. It might make him see there is still a fun side to you.

Hope this has helped at all

How old are the DC and how old are you?
It's never too late to be happy.
This doesn't sound like a happy loving relationship at all.
I think he's done so much over the years and there's really no coming back from that. He can't change what he's done and you basically don't like him and resent him for how he is - which is that he sounds like a twat!
Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?
Thought not!
So what are you going to do about it?

Re-read your post. Imagine a friend of yours had written it, what would your advice be?

I don't think it is as unusual as you might think to sleep in separate beds and maybe it would be helpful to separate those two things?

The rest of it I think he is just behaving like a prick but you've been together for 30 years! Could he be depressed or something?

You're never too old to ditch an unsatisfactory man and start again. It sounds like you have already put far more effort into trying to 'make this relationship work' than was either necessary or healthy.

It's fine to be single. It really is. Why not get rid of him?

This relationship sounds like a miserable waste of time.

This idea of maybe having counseling and 'getting the spark back' - do you honestly want your relationship to continue, or do you want 'permission' to leave knowing that you've done everything you could?

FWIW, it sounds like you already have done a lot to save the r/ship, and you may now be at the end of your tether. I know you have to feel it inside, but you already have my permission to leave.

And BTW using your DD tablet to look at porn, and then being so lazy/inept that he couldn't be bothered to wipe the browsing history? He's a) gross and b) a moron.

I think that you both have to meet each other part way.

using dd's tablet to access porn that is rank behaviour.

He turned on the tears pretty fast this time considering you were despairing four years' ago to the extent you tried to fix the marriage but over time his behaviour hasn't actually changed much if at all.

Someone on Relationships (wish I could recall who) has explained that it makes no sense to be a victim of the "sunken costs" fallacy in relationships. Meaning, no matter how long you've been together, spending yet more time with someone you don't like any more is soul-destroying. 30 years spent with one partner does not mean it's been all a waste of time if you say "Enough's enough!".

I am not saying LTB but I hope you look long and hard at how things have worked out and what you gain from carrying on with him.

Thanks all, for your comments. Hells: dd is 12. Victoria: we used to go out every week sans dd but he stopped wanting to do it when dd turned about 5. Things are generally more relaxed outside the house.

Tiger: yes, I feel I need "permission" to call time on things. Either we're in a massive rut or it's finished. I can't quite make up my mind! I agree about the porn, too. What hurt was sleeping alone whilst dp was merrily looking at porn downstairs. On his daughter's tablet!

Donkeys: I can't recall the "sunken fallacy" thread but your explanation makes sense. I suppose I'm thinking "well I've been with him for 30 years, so it's a bit late to do anything now, innit?"

Sounds like your DH has already left the marriage, to be honest. I wouldn't bother agonising about leaving him, when he's everything but moved out already.

Which brings us to ask why he hasn't physically left yet? Can he not be bothered/not want to pay for it/would lose cushy life? Maybe he needs 'permission' too?

Ask yourself why he's still here - before you boot him out.

Cory: yes, he probably has things a bit cushy, compared with many blokes. He gets to do what he likes, when he likes, because he knows I'll take care of dd without question.

The reason he hasn't physically left? Because the house we live in is his, not mine. If anyone's going to be booted out, it"s me! He won't boot me out yet, though, because he woukd have to make arrangements to care for/ pay towards dd, which he doesn't at the moment. On the other hand, I suppose I could be considered to have it cushy too because I live with him without having to make mortgage payments etc. (we split other bills, btw).

So it's a mutually convenient arrangement, but not a loving, affectionate relationship.

And it is NOT his house.
It's half yours.
Doesn't matter who's name it is in.
If you are unhappy. Get some legal advice and see where you stand. Then you can decide.
If you are mainly a SAHM how do you pay half for bills etc?

Are you married?

Hells: I take your point. I've takn legal advice (admittedly a few years ago).

I have a house of my own, which is let. This is both a capital asset and a source of income. I also have some savings from the (good old) days when I was workin full time. . So I am able to make a contribution towards bills. This is how it works. I have a gross income of around 15-20k depending on how much work I can do (supply teaching, private teaching, casual bits and bobs). That includes rent from my property too. Thete haven't been any childcare costs which has saved a lot. He lost his job a few years back and things were sticky financially for a while, but he now earns about 50k (self-employment). I pay for dd, myself, stuff for the house, holidays, food etc. He pays mortgage and other bills, and for his hobbies etc.

So I reckon it's about equal, and frankly I'd rather be a bit out of pocket anyway than have to ask him for money, which would be humiliating.

In terms of assets, we are equal, pretty much. My house, without mortgage, is worth about the same as the equity in his, and the value of his business, which is at last breaking even.

So legally, I don't have much of a case. I can't afford to move into my own property as I would lose that income.

Thanks for responding, btw!

). ?

Fox: sorry didn't see your post. No, not married.

Things you could try

Go on holiday together alone. See what happens. A change of scene and things out of normality can throw up all sorts.

Try and have a heart to heart with him.
What is he really thinking and feeling?

Get legal advice on the money side. Resolution.org can help you find one local. Maybe once you see the finances it might sway your opinion on staying or going.

Your finances look a lot stronger than many couples who still manage to split up.

Thanks both. Setting: a holiday is out of the question. He wouldn't agree to time off and we have no childcare. Nice thought, though, and I think it would help.

Waffly: yes, the financial situation is not dire, and I'm in a position to work more now too. I've had a look at that website-never heard of that organisation before, so thanks.