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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

refusing to go to dads house-dont know how to manage this.

24 replies

andthenthereweretwo · 04/07/2014 15:35

My 9 year old ds has spent each weekend, Friday to Sunday at his dads since we separated 5 years ago. He has always been completely happy to go and would often ask to stay longer. He has recently started to ask to cut down his time there which dad is unhappy with. He says hes bored there and has no local friends. This weekend he wants to stay at home but his dad is refusing to accept this and says he is coming to pick him up anyway. I am supporting ds decision as I think hes old enough to decide that for 1 weekend in 5 years he wants to stay at home. Ex was emotionally abusive and controlling with me and still tries to. I do not want ds to be put on the spot to decide between us.he shouldn't be made to feel guilty for deciding to stay at home. Would appreciate people's thoughts on this please and advice on how to manage it.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/07/2014 15:40

EVERY weekend for the last five years? The poor lamb probably wants to have some kind of social life at the weekends which doesn't entail being bored shitless at his Dad's.

If he doesn't want to go, then he shouldn't be made to. His father should have some respect for his son's wishes, and that's not even taking on board the EA and controlling in the past. OF COURSE he's doing the same to his son now that he can't do it to you 24/7

Alternate weekends or none, I say. Fuck what the ex wants!

hellsbellsmelons · 04/07/2014 15:47

EVERY weekend.
Wow - I'm not surprised he starting to rebel.
You need to discuss with your Ex about sorting out access as every other weekend.
So he hasn't had a party or been invited on play dates or to other peoples parties and you haven't had any family things to attend with him in the last 5 years?
That's amazing.
Time to stand up for your DS. Every other weekend is plenty for a now 9 year old

Charley50 · 04/07/2014 15:51

If he is at his dads every weekend his dad should have been making an effort e.g. A regular sport or activity, the odd play date.. If DS is invited to a party does his dad take him?

Original poster

andthenthereweretwo · 04/07/2014 15:55

I agree with you. Up until know he has been more than happy and very keen to go Friday after school until Saturday night so it hasn't really come up before. We tend to do our family things on a Sunday as a result. He does go to parties that fall on a Saturday so doesn't miss out on that but he now has a group of friends locally and now hes older he has more leeway to socialise with them independently of me. He obv wants to spend more time with them now. Im putting my foot down and supporting his decision-if ex comes to the door it will b v awkward for ds to b put on the spot. Im not planning on engaging in any phone calls or texts with him as I have said my piece and made the decision. It just sets me on edge knowing hes gane playing again esp with ds involved!

OP posts:

Original poster

andthenthereweretwo · 04/07/2014 15:57

The bigger picture that his dad should b seeing is the fact that his son is bored but he cant see that because of his anger.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/07/2014 16:06

He can't see his son's point of view because he doesn't want to. With controlling people other people aren't entitled to any autonomy or any opinions which don't agree with their world-view. So, there's no reasoning with them whatsoever.

If you don't want an argument on the doorstep and put your son through such unpleasantness, just take him out, and not answer your phone.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:15

I disagree. I think your son should be made to go to his dads. Because its his dad and he shouldn't get to pick and choose between you. There is a deeper meaning to seeing his father, it's showing him love and stability from both parents. I think that what should be addressed is his lack of friends at his dads place and the boredom. Focus efforts there.

If you have tried to tackle this issue already with your ex then I rest my case but stand by my view that a relationship with his father is vital to his future development and well being.

Lweji · 04/07/2014 16:20

What about your weekends?

I do think your son has the right to spend half his weekends at home and with you.
It's not the same as weekdays.

NatashaBee · 04/07/2014 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 04/07/2014 16:22

Is it possible for him to spend the occasional weekday night at his dad's?

GobblersKnob · 04/07/2014 16:22

Why is everyone so surprised that he has spent EVERY weekend with his father, nobody is expressing the same surprise that he has spent EVERY week with his mum.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/07/2014 16:30

Because weekends are different.
They are family time and days where you get to go out and do things together.
Weekdays entail, school run, homework, cook tea, get stuff ready for the following day, bath, bed, up in the morning, get dressed, breakfast, out the door to school.
Where's OP's quality time with her DS?

Original poster

andthenthereweretwo · 04/07/2014 16:30

I agree that he needs a relationship with his dad but without going into too much detail, his dad hasnt provided a stable home over the past few years due to his alcohol problems. Im wondering if there are problems that ds wont share with me, hes v deep. He has denied anything going on and I believe ex is now sober. Of course he is allowed other contact during the week but he never takes the opportunity. He onky wants to be dad on his terms.

OP posts:

Original poster

andthenthereweretwo · 04/07/2014 16:33

Hellabells you have hit the nail on the head :-)

OP posts:

GobblersKnob · 04/07/2014 16:38

But op has him on a Sunday, so they have one family day each?

My brother has his dd every weekend and always has, he would hate to have to do every other weekend, unless he was able to do every other week and alternate.

Lweji · 04/07/2014 16:41

My experience with DS, same age, is that he changes his mind fairly easily.
He has had times of not wanting to talk to exH, but then he's excited about telling his dad things in his life.

I think you (both) need to give him some choices and dialogue with him rather than enforce what has happened so far.

balia · 04/07/2014 16:41

The difficulty is this -
I do not want ds to be put on the spot to decide between us
But then you are doing just that by letting a 9 year old decide. You say he has asked to stay longer - how would you feel if your ex had said - 'he wants to stay longer and I'm supporting that decision and not bringing him home'?

I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to look at changing contact based on the changing needs of your DS, but you need to do that in an adult way, discussing (not dictating) it with his Dad, mediation if you can't agree, and ultimately court. Not by making unilateral decisions, refusing to speak to him and creating the potential for a huge drama on the doorstep.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/07/2014 16:44

I'd listen to your son. Every other weekend seems perfectly reasonable, if he's getting older and wants to spend more time near his friends.

elastamum · 04/07/2014 16:44

I would move to change it to EOW at home. This is pretty normal for children of separated parents and wont be considered unreasonable

hamptoncourt · 04/07/2014 16:48

I also think every weekend is excessive because it means DS has all his leisure time at his dads.

How far away is he OP? Could he do every other weekend and have him one evening a week too? My DS spends EOW at his dads and sees him one evening every week too, but he does live close enough that he can bring him back so he doesn;t have to sleepover there/do school run from there etc.

I very much advise you NOT to be at home when he comes to pick up DS. DS is extremely likely to be bullied/guilted into going with him and then you will feel awful.

Just text him to say that as already advised, DS isn't coming this weekend and then go out.

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/07/2014 16:49

EOW is definitely a better option for a kid, then they get to spend quality weekends with mum as well as with dad.

I'd ignore the text saying he is coming to get him anyway and go out for the evening with your son.

Original poster

andthenthereweretwo · 04/07/2014 16:59

Balia-in the past if he has asked to stay longer then that has been fine with me as long as it didn't interrupt plans already made. It is v difficult to discuss things in an adult way with an abusive and controlling exwith alcohol and anger problems.

Lweji- he is changeable, im sure next weekend he will b more than happy to go as usual.

I have also asked his dad to help out over the hols so he will be spending 2 weeks with him and other family members. Have decided to try and speak with ex tonight to arrange to meet up to discuss contact further as it is clear that ds's needs and wants are changing.

Thank you for your opinions, after being down trodden and belittled by my ex for years it is useful to get objective viewpoints as I sometimes dont trust my decisions

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/07/2014 17:12

As he has stayed longer previously, I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell ex that this weekend DS will stay home.

I don't see it as DS choosing between the two parents. It's not something driven by the parents, but by the child.
He wants to stay mainly because of his friends, not so much his mum.
It's not that much different than him choosing to spend time at a friend's house than going out with his mum.

balia · 04/07/2014 17:57

It is v difficult to discuss things in an adult way with an abusive and controlling exwith alcohol and anger problems.

I know - and have a t-shirt I can lend you! I'm not unsympathetic, and I think the arrangements need to change - but my point about his staying longer, which you confirmed for me, was that you agreed to it. It was perfectly reasonable to ask, but it wouldn't have been perfectly reasonable for your ex to tell you that DS was staying with him, based on the fact it was what DS wanted.

If it wasn't convenient, or you had plans, you didn't let a 9 year old decide, and neither did his Dad. It should be the same here. By all means tell DS that you understand how he feels and that you will talk to your ex and the 2 of you will sort something out (and if you can't, then mediate or if that fails, as I said, go to court), but not let a 9 year old make the decisions. When he is supposed to go to his Dads to help you out in the holidays, will you be letting him say no then?

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