Have zero sex drive, never EVER fancy it... what is wrong with me? DH fed-up...

[sugarhoops]

We have 3 kids - 7yo, 5yo, 2yo. We lead a pretty hectic life, but have been married 9 years this year and still very much in love.

Problem is, I just NEVER EVER fancy having sex. It never crosses my mind, even after a few drinks. I feel completely 'asexual' (if there is such a feeling!) at the moment. I can't bear going to bed in case my DH's hands come wandering over towards my side of the bed. I freeze and tell him I'm too tired / its too late / not tonight etc.

I don't know what is wrong with me, I feel like a freak. Its like my sex drive departed when I gave birth to our kids. I'm not depressed, not on any medication, I exercise regularly & eat well.

Any ideas about how I can change my mindset? (Because, on the rare occasion eg once per month we do actually have sex, I do enjoy it, I just never really want to do it to begin with, I only do so to keep DH happy).

Feeling pretty miserable about it now really

Mmmm is your DH hopeless at it ? That is usually the biggest turn off. Plus, that, combined with a small penis, the stress of three kids and a vagina stretched to the size of the Mersey tunnel. Otherwise, if it is not his sausage hands maybe you could do with a change of venue and some fun. Laughing and certain music always does it for me. Is there anyone who can babysit for you? You have to do something otherwise your marriage will get dead in the water. Will he talk, or get toys, or do something different involving fun to get you kick started again? . The longer you leave it the less you will want to do it. I used to ask my husband to ' just get on with it' and usually I would warm up. He did draw the line at my reading my book. Now I am in my Seventies I have fantastic G spot organisms, so all is not lost.

I think you may have to talk to your GP about this.
It could be very fixable but you won't know unless you ask.

what contraception are you using? or any medication?

I found that the more I did it, the more I wanted to. If you leave it too long in between times it just feels weird!

With my current DP it really hasn't tailed off at all since the early days and 2 years later it is still every day, sometimes twice. I think part of that is because it is now a habit and it seems odd not to .

Perhaps as you do enjoy it you could try doing it every night for a week and see if it feels any different. There won't be such a pressure for it to be really special, as you know you'll get another chance tomorrow and it might just help to reignite that closeness.

Are you affectionate with each other the rest of the time? I'd find it odd with my ex that he expected to get into bed after ignoring me all evening and get some. With DP, we are cuddled up together all evening and very affectionate the rest of the time, which sets the scene for getting closer later on.

Do you feel any kind of sexual interest in anyone else? I don't mean Are You Planning AN Affair How Dare You type crap, but if for instance [particular fit male sleb] is on the telly, do you feel any stirring in your ladyparts? Because there's a difference between having a loss of any kind of sexual desire, and having a loss of sexual interest in your current partner.

Sometimes when you have young children you just have to plan to do it. Don't wait for the urge just wait for the opportunity.

As long as you enjoy it when you get going I don't see the problem. Try something to put you in the mood, if alcohol doesn't do it try some erotic fiction.

I am exactly like this. I just feel that my mind is full of other stuff - young children, full time job and I'm exhausted come bedtime. I feel that in a few years we will have more time for each other, and in the meantime we have lots of cuddles, saying we love each other etc. We do have sex about once a month and luckily we are both secure in our relationship. It isnt ideal but there just isn't enough time for everything in a 24 hr day and for the moment sex seems to be the thing that has taken a backseat...

I feel like you describe holly47, my mind is full of stuff and I just can't 'get in the mood'. I too, thought my interest would return once the kids got older, but our youngest is now nearly 3 and I'm still not interested. I kind of feel like my kids have been demanding of me all day long, the last thing I want in an evening is my DH wanting my body. It probably sounds ridiculous, but i just want to sit on my own and not have anyone want a part of me.

DH is not crap at sex at all, I just literally don't ever fancy it. I don't fantasize about doing it with anyone else, I don't pleasure myself. Like I said, I just feel 'asexual'. I would dread using any sex toys, we don't use any contraception (after I concluded the pill dampens my sex drive even more).

I think you're right though - the less we do it, the harder it gets, Hence why I try to keep a once per month session otherwise it'd fizzle out altogether. I wonder whether vitamins / minerals are lacking in my diet. I did read once that zinc is important for sex drive. I'm willing to try supplements to see if it improves things.

I think it's biology. .also it can become another chore. Professional advice would tell you to try sensual cuddling with an agreement not to have full sex..the idea being it takes the pressure off you a d gives you a chance to build up some sexual frustration.Nothing worse than thinking you ought to be doing it to put you off.

Just wondering how old you are....

I could have written your OP - I'm mid-40s and I blame it on the onset of menopause (mine came early). I need to do something about it too.

Sad thing is cointreau i'm only 35 . But since having kids, my periods have gotten terrible (heavy), I have terrible PMT, mood swings etc - i'm like a teenager, only i never had these symptoms as a teenager!

I just read the other thread about a sexless marriage - made me feel sad. We're not at that stage yet, but I felt I needed to post to prevent us reaching that point.

I just don't know how to make myself want to have sex with DH. It just never crosses my mind.

Yes neckless - it completely feels like a chore. Another thing on my long list of 'to do's', that i feel like I really ought to do, even though I don't want to.

I too have lost all interest but I do miss it and think it is healthy to connect physically, even if not very often. A little external stimulus helps me - Feeling close in the day and thinking about getting sexy later, then reading erotic short stories/Nancy Friday or watching a sexy film helps me get in the mood. Always love sex when we have it and find it therapeutic for us both so putting the effort in is well worth it (even though I so wish I didn't need to....)

I could write your post sorry mo advice but your're not alone. I have been like this for 3 years. I'm going to the GP about it next week having a blood test etc to see if there is a medical reason for it.

I'm think i'm going to do as you brokendownstairs and go see my GP, however 'embarrassing' I might find it. I just don't think its normal at all to not want sex, ever, even though me & DH are still very much in love and I find him attractive, funny, etc etc. Its an overall libido thing for me - I don't find anything or anyone a turn on. But when we do have sex, I do really enjoy it.

I wonder if its a control thing....life is so hectic so i'm uber organised & have everything pretty much running like clockwork because I'm in a strict routine with the kids, the house, life in general. Sex requires you to let go abit, and I wonder if I just dont want to do that because i'm not used to it.

Right, book GP monday morning. Thanks all

Sugarhoops - don't be too hard on yourself. Your youngest is still only 3 - it is such a age. I often feel there are too many people wanting my attention...both physically and mentally. I like to read my book or flick through the paper for 15 mins when I get into bed, and I start to feel really resentful if my husband wants sex. I know it isn't good to feel like that, but those few minutes at the end of the day are the only time I have to myself (my youngest is just 4, so very full on still). I am so amazed by these people with young children who have sex two or three times a week. My youngest is often up before 6am, then it's full on with work all day or at the weekend entertaining the children, then trying to fit in a bit of exercise, some kind of social life, keeping on top of school stuff and admin...it's not surprising we're not in the mood for romance! ;)

Thanks holly - sounds like we lead very similar lives! Nice to know i'm not alone in my feelings either, I was beginning to feel like abit of a freak. I too feel resentful when I finally collapse into bed and my husband wants to initiate sex - I feel like i give my all to 3 kids all day long, I just need some time alone without anyone demanding anything of me. I know its completely the wrong way to think about it, but thats just how i feel at the moment.

I'm just very aware that I don't want to be writing a post about a completely sexless marriage this time next year, hence why I'm trying to kick start things now

I could have written your exact OP until quite recently. My kids are just turned 5 and 2.8 now.

Something funny happened though when my youngest started preschool at 2.6. He had been very clingy and I had thought I probably wouldn't be able to send him until he was at least three. However he changed very quickly and by 2.6 he was actively keen on the idea.

He only goes one morning a week but from that point I have felt a flickering of sex drive coming back - for the first three weeks of my cycle at least (the last week plus my period is as dead as a dodo though!)

I think its the liberation - feeling that my youngest is starting to look outwards to the world and we are moving on from the very intense mother-baby stage.

I am convinced too that my body is thinking "OK, so youngest is 2.8 now and starting to be more independent, time we got her up the duff again!"

Ha! Yes you're probably right bumpsadaise - I never had any problems with sex drive when TTC .

Now I know that we're pretty much done with having babies (we had 3 kids within the space of 4.5years), my libido has dropped off a cliff, and I feel bad for my DH (i'm certainly not one of those women who think men are just sperm donors).

Our youngest does already go to nursery / pre-school 15 hours per week, but during that time I work, so no real time to myself (other than i'm obviously working now and mumsnetting!).

Part of me thinks I just need to lie-back and think of England - like I say, I do enjoy it when we're actually having sex. But then I think that just doesn't seem right, to be forcing myself to do it when really I'm dreading it. Hence trip to the doctors...which I haven't yet booked