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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

strange text

27 replies

deakymom · 04/07/2014 12:44

so a man called "adam" text me today while i was hanging out my washing to clarify i don't know an adam and my husband picked up the text which said hiya babe x he text back who is this "its adam x" so he texts a few more times asking who are you why the flip are you texting my wife no answer then he rings he gets hung up on then he texts again saying someone is giving out my wifes number without her permission who gave you her number? the guy is panicked by now and tells him he is driving and ends the call

my husband has just started work after nearly two years of being unemployed he has just worked 4 12 hour shifts in a row (day/day to night and two night shifts) his car is dodgy and he is not seeing us much or sleeping he is now upset/angry and thinks ive cheated on him in the two weeks he has been working (i have not) it doesn't help that he is spending his one day off with his brother fixing his car

im at a loss as to how to reassure him i'm not doing anything i've told him to get me a new sim card while he is out tried to talk to him (he really didn't want to talk to me) i've dismissed it as a wrong number but im afraid he can't

his ex wife cheated on him while he was at work this is probably looking too familier a scenario

apart from re-stating i don't cheat (which he knows) pointing out logistically i don't have time to (three kids two in two separate schools one at home who is a limpet) i do everything at home and kids related ive even been washing drying and ironing his clothes for work staying up late and getting up excruciatingly early with him i can't seem to do/say anything

i've just watched all the trust in my marriage blow out the door

OP posts:
LouisaJF · 04/07/2014 12:50

I would be more concerned with why his first thought is that you are cheating and not just a wrong number?

Original poster
deakymom · 04/07/2014 12:51

im guessing its because its happened before (with his ex not me!) plus we have been living in each others pockets while he was unemployed and now suddenly he is working really long hours...........

OP posts:
hashtagwhatever · 04/07/2014 12:55

You need to get adam to clarify who he thought he was texting

WowserBowser · 04/07/2014 12:57

Yes, he's not mentioned your name has he?

Why is your husband reading your phone?

BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2014 13:00

It's obviously a wrong number

Why is your DH reading your phone anyway?

wyrdyBird · 04/07/2014 13:04

It was probably a wrong number, or less likely, someone just being stupid to get a reaction.

I can imagine your husband feeling uncomfortable for a moment. But to suggest all the trust has gone seems extreme. Did he respond so very badly?

wyrdyBird · 04/07/2014 13:08

Ok I've just seen that he didn't want to talk to you and is angry, sorry. Does he often over react like that ?

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2014 13:14

I think he was a bit heavy handed with some guy who got a wrong number. No wonder the guy hung up on him. No time did he use your name, so I think we can assume he got a digit wrong and ended up texting you. Your dh needs to calm down. I know it is hard considering what he has been through and now going into some extremely long hours...but he needs to calm down. I would give him some space. You have done what you can. Don't try and deny any more. Tell him that you haven't done anything wrong, but you understand his past experiences have come back to haunt him. That's that. You don't need to be sorry, you haven't done anything.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 13:21

Can't you text Adam and tell him it's caused a kerfuffle and ask him to confirm that it was a wrong number etc

Frontier · 04/07/2014 13:25

I understand his insecurities but they are his problem, not yours or Adam's.

I'm not surprised Adam doesn't want to talk to him, he sounds terrifying.

I also can't imagine living with someone who expects to read my messages routinely, who won't believe a simple explanation and who won't let it drop like this.

Lovingfreedom · 04/07/2014 13:26

Completely OTT reaction on your husband's part. Even if it wasn't a wrong number 'hiya babe x' isn't exactly suspicious. OK your DH is tired and sensitive at the moment...keep an eye on things though as he's coming across as suspicious and controlling...'Adam' must have thought he'd got through to a right psycho.

ParadoxicalUndressing · 04/07/2014 13:31

Hang on, if a woman posted here about finding the same text on her husband/partner's phone, I think the response would be very different.

I would probably struggle with this one, too - but I freely admit I have issues with trust, as it sounds like your husband (understandably, based on his ex) does. Having said that, aggressively phoning the man is a bit alarming.

I received a text not so long ago from an unknown number saying, 'Where did you go hon? Xx' so I do understand it happens, but I think it would be fair to cut him some slack here.

hashtagwhatever · 04/07/2014 13:33

Agree with para
Double standards, roles reversed the replies would be totally different.

Frontier · 04/07/2014 13:38

Para, I don't think a woman who had refused to listen to her DH's perfectly plausible explanation, who knew that he has no time when he's not with DC and then went on to hound the texter and refuse to speak to her DH would get a much different response TBH.

rb32 · 04/07/2014 13:39

I'd cut him a very large amount of slack! If his ex wife did this to him I'm not suprised he's gone off at the deep end no matter how much he trusts you - I'm sure he trusted her completely!

Not much you can do except keep re-assuring him as much as you can (though he will need to get over this at some point!).

Off Topic, but I agree with paradox. If this was a woman posting many of the previous replies would be ver very different.

Hobby2014 · 04/07/2014 13:40

Yep I was going to post what para has said but I wasn't brave enough! If it was the other way round you'd be told he's cheating, LTB, Check his internet history, phone bill etc etc..
Mumsnet is a funny place sometimes....

PhoebeMcPeePee · 04/07/2014 13:40

I would text Adam apologising for DH's rant & promise not to contact him again but ask if he would mind just replying to confirm he got the wrong number as your DH is now convince you're having an affair.

ParadoxicalUndressing · 04/07/2014 13:40

Para, I don't think a woman who had refused to listen to her DH's perfectly plausible explanation

Oh really? Not 'The Script' then?

ParadoxicalUndressing · 04/07/2014 13:41

Sorry OP, I don't mean to derail your thread. I just wanted to offer a different view.

Frontier · 04/07/2014 13:45

No, not if it's a one off, the DH knows she's been at home with a clingy child the whole time he's been at work, she's been with him 24/6 until very recently and there are no other "warning signs".

CanaryYellow · 04/07/2014 13:50

I'm in the "cut him some slack" camp and agree with "if the roles were reversed". And as for him looking at her phone, well if I saw a text saying "hi babe x" pop up on my DH's phone, damn right I'd be having a look at it.

In fact I've seen a thread on here where there's been something similar to this and the advice ranged from snooping and hacking into his on-line phone bill to phoning the number and asking the person on the other end why the fuck they're texting this phone. to full on demanding access to all of his e-mails and phone whenever you like... After all, if there's nothing to hide then there'll be no objection?

This has only happened this morning, right? So give your DH some time to calm down and think this through rationally, and try and talk to him later.

If you still have the message on your phone you could offer to phone 'Adam' on speakerphone in front of your DH so you can ask Adam who he is and explain he's got the wrong number. You could get a print out of your phone bill, which will show that prior to the message from Adam, his number has never appeared on your bill. You could offer to make your phone and e-mail available to him if he wants to check it.

ParadoxicalUndressing · 04/07/2014 13:51

Very good advice, Canary

Keepithidden · 04/07/2014 13:54

People who conduct affairs always make time, their partners rarely recongise this according to dozens of threads on MN. Often in retrospect the cheated-on recognises this.

Something else that regualrly crops up on cheating threads is that it is the responsibility of the cheater to demonstrate they are trustworthy, not the other way round.

OP - This is not a reflection on you, none of this is aimed at you and for what it's worth I believe everything you've written. Just a reflection on MN responses.

Lovingfreedom · 04/07/2014 14:57

Please don't phone Adam...leave the poor guy out of it (unless you actually are having an affair with him).

hamptoncourt · 04/07/2014 15:01

I just called some poor bloke (twice) because a student gave me the wrong mobilenumber. I hope his wife/girlfriend isn't going to be on my case.

It's a big overreaction regardless of his past.

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