Stuck in the past.

[SeekingSolace]

Please bear with me, this is probably going to be long. I'm a regular but I've NC because I'm a coward.

I have been married to my Husband for 3 years, we have been together 10 years since our late teens. 1 DC.

Early on in our relationship, my husband cheated on me. I was told at the time but chose to believe him when he said it wasn't true. He lied. He admitted it before we married as he didn't want to enter married life based on a lie. I was angry, but I wanted to move past it so chose to forgive him. Between the ages of 18-20 we had various problems. Porn. Lies. Staying out all night. I truly believed no-one else would want me and with my self esteem at an all time low, I put up and shut up. I regret that. Bitterly.

Its been 6 years since the last "incident" and so many things have changed. He no longer sees the friends who encouraged his shitty behaviour, he educated himself on the sex industry and I have never found evidence he has looked ever again. He tells me loves me, he is proud of me and that he is the luckiest man alive that I stayed when he didn't deserve me but I cant move past what happened. I cant forgive and I cant forget. I have tried so hard but the resentment bubbles under the surface and the smallest of disagreements escalates. I shout. I scream. I accuse. I hate the person I have become.

I told him last night that I feel our relationship is tainted by a past I cannot shake off. I want to believe that he isn't the person he was at 20 and his actions are those of a kind, respectful partner who would do anything for me. He's put me on a pedestal, he tells me constantly I'm perfect, strong and capable. But I'm not; I'm teetering on the edge of this fucking stool just waiting for the day he does something that makes me fall off and hit the ground with the reality of who he really is.

So my quandary is; can people really change? Can I learn to trust the person he says he is now?

Thank you.

I'm sure people can change, especially at that kind of age (20's), we're all grow up at different rates and through different phases in our lives, nothing is static.

Whether you can learn to trust him is a whole different ball game. It doesn't sound like you've ever dealt with the anger, betrayal and disrespect you've been harbouring for the past 6 years. Would that be correct?

Thank you for replying.

Yes, that's the bones of it really. I don't know how. I've tried to busy myself with things that will benefit me. Courses, seeing friends more, taking better care of my body. A procrastination of sorts I suppose, anything to avoid dealing with the real issues.

Have you tried counselling? It could be worth trying 'Relate'.

Yeah, I know how you feel about procrastination. Anything to put off the difficult stuff. The problem is, as you're finding out, it doesn't go away it just sits there, tainting everything else. I'm as guilty of this as the next person and I don't really have any answers either, but I suppose as a start to the whole process, have you talked to him about how you really feel, and if so what is his reaction?

The whole 'pedestal' thing could be a way of assuaging his guilt about the past I guess. Does he accept and acknowledge the pain and hurt he's caused? He's educated himself and moved away from the causes of his past behaviour, is there anything else he could do? If not, then the old cliche of external, professional help is probably your next stop.

Apart from invent a time machine no, he really couldn't do any more. He is supportive, loving, complimentary even if a little lazy sometimes.

We talk, its a regular occurrence to rake over old ground after an argument. Its really no healthy at all. His reaction was that he hated himself for what he had done, he said he was ashamed and unworthy. He isn't the most articulate of people, he worries about finding the right words when I'm upset and seems genuinely devastated when he cant comfort me.

I think you are right about the pedestal thing. He refuses flatly to see my flaws. I can be angry, hateful and plain nasty at times. I'm not perfect, not even close.

Shite. I'm going to have to bite the bullet aren't I? Professional help it is. I'm going to spend some time today looking them up in my area. I know DH will be on board. He would do anything to keep us together. I just hope its not too much water under the bridge and a case of too little, too late.

I am in a similar situation six years on and I have no answer for you or magic fix, the peace of mind I once had never did come back! only time will tell if it ever will, I don't think it will though as it changes your life forever and makes you look at everyone differently.

Would you feel any different with someone else? would you be able to trust again. I personally can not.

Is there anyone in rl you can speak to op?
It does sound like he has learnt from his mistakes though, sadly mine didn't. The putting you on a pedestal is a guilt trip thing, I personally would milk that one for all its worth as it would help to keep your sanity on bad days.

My friends are sympathetic but they find it difficult to understand how angry I am now. I'm pretty sure they are sick of hearing about it.

I cant take advantage of him Toda. I know he is sorry, it just doesn't change anything. My Dad told me that to err is human, to forgive divine. I'm just having trouble locating that divinity.

What makes it worse is that he is so bloody sorry but I am still so angry. I don't expect to wake up one morning and forget all the shit and anguish. I knew our metaphorical vase would still be showing the cracks but I hoped we would have found the right glue to bind it together.

People can change behaviour but sometimes it's too late and makes no difference to the outcome. All this stuff about erring is human and forgiving divine etc is easy to say when it's not them that's been hurt, lied to, cheated on and so forth. A long-term relationship involves a lot of small-scale niggles and compromises so there has to be a solid foundation backing it up - something you can point to as good and say it's not worth sweating the small stuff. If the foundation is rocky, you've got nothing.

Sometimes there isn't any glue and the relationship is spoiled beyond repair. Then it's time to call it a day rather than keep beating yourself up that you can't feel the right way. You feel how you feel.

Do you love him and want to stay with him and grow old with him?

Thanks Cog, I always admire your advice.

I guess I need to figure out how I feel now. Most days, I love the bones of him. He is funny, kind, caring. He offers to dry my hair when I get out of the shower and refuses to let me get out bed to attend to DS. He does every nightmare, every sick day, every early morning but it only takes one argument to set off the whole cycle again. Your point about foundations really resonates with me. I told him last night that I felt like I had nothing to hold on to, that all the good times we have had since have been tainted by the underlying feelings of resentment and anger. Bizarrely, I trust him. It not blind trust either, I honestly believe he has earned that over the years. I want to let the anger go, I'm just not sure yet whether or not that means letting go of him too.

VeryStressedMum Yes, I do. That's the thing that hurts the most.

If I asked him to paint himself pink with yellow spots and hop on one leg for the rest of his life; he would. Happily. With effing bells on.

Gosh he sounds like a door mat. He has done wrong and he has tried to move heaven and earth, from what you say, to make up for it. I don't think you have any respect for him. You need to ask yourself why not? Are you unhappy anyway? He also needs to have counselling as he needs to stand up to your screaming and dragging everything up. If you were a bloke and were posting on here saying he was dragging everything up and screaming at you, a lot of MNetters would be saying leave, he is a bully. You are making him and yourself miserable. Shouting is bullying. I think you sound unhappy with his kind behaviour. He should be saying 'enough is enough' he has paid for what he did.

I would really recommend counselling - for you. There is something insdie you that keeps the anger bubbling away inspite of the fact that, if I read you right, you don't WANT to feel that way and do love and appreciate him. Infidelity hurts you deep in your core - it attacks not just your relationship, but you self-esteem. I went through a phase of wondering just what the hell was my purpose in life - I felt like a failure. Now I can rationalise all that and tell myself it was nonsense, but it was still nonsense that had to be addressed, taken out and shaken up.

hole I'm not trying to make him miserable. The arguments are just circular and he actively encourages me to "get things off my chest". Hes very concious of brushing things under the carpet and I think he hopes that if I let my anger out, I will feel better. I don't shout and scream at him. Its more of a crying and screaming with frustration at myself. I accuse him of trying to be perfect when I know he isn't . He says it himself, if he hadn't done the things he had then I wouldn't be angry. He takes responsibility for that. I just want to take responsibility for my own feelings.

IrianofWay - I think so too. I don't feel like I can be rational about it without help. I desperately want to move forward, I really do. I appreciate how much he has changed, and I hope its for himself as much as it is for me.

If you want to stay with him and choose to stay with him then you need to find a way of letting it go for both your sakes.
Relate do individual counselling too. You need to come to terms with the anger you maybe feel at yourself for, as you say, putting up and shutting up.
Yes he treated you badly then, but you have a choice now to stay or to go. Staying with him now and making a fresh start does not mean you are a doormat still putting up with his shit.
It also sounds as though you have fallen into a pattern of behaviour where you are the wronged angry one and is the grateful one, constantly talking about how wronged you were won't help you let go of your anger.
Try relate or some other counselling and see how you get on.

I have made some phone calls to counsellors (both individual and couples) and I feel like I'm taking steps to dealing with this after so long. Just need to find someone I click with now.

I may end up staying, I may not but I need to deal with how I feel before I can make an informed decision.

Thank you all for telling me what I needed to hear.

Sometimes IMO folk settle down too young and just aren't ready for the responsibility that a relationship requires. At 18-20 he was almost a child. What he did was for his own gratification and I don't think was done intentionally to hurt you. It seems like part of growing up but obviously he did it while he was attached.

He is now paying the price. Therapy would hopefully help to change your perception of the whole situation as by what you say he is pretty good now. I do think in this scenario people can change as in this instance he was young. It's not like there has been a prolonged pattern.

You also decided to give him another chance, so why punish yourself and him over and over? He has changed to a standard that sounds good to me. I do believe if therapy fails for you that yous would both be happier apart.