Hi
Someone else on Mumsnet was advised to get all their ducks in a row before deciding whether or not to leave their partner and this really resonated with me as h and I have many problems and have for a while. Here is an extract from a recent thread to explain the problem. My question here is, how do I function in this environment where I feel unloved by h and where he thinks unpleasant things about me (like I am lazy etc..). I don't know how to get past feeling incapacitated by how he behaves towards me and by the things he thinks. So how am I going to get my ducks in a row (after which I could see if things had improved as I could address some of the issues h has, or I could start separation proceedings) while endlessly worrying about our problems? Here is the extract:
Thank you for your thoughts. The backstory is here and I realise it's basically a repeat of what I am asking today blush. Things came to a head yesterday again as I was feeling so anxious and low about things between h and I in general (we have had a couple of arguments over the past two weeks where h is basically unpleasant, swearing etc.. and lots of withdrawing and not really talking - which he never does anyway) and I was walking to the post office with a horrible knot in my stomach kind of hyperventilating.
So I rang h yesterday in tears and he did stay on the phone to battle it out (which he would never normally do). However the things he was saying have not made me feel better. There is truth to some of it but I sense no love. Basically he said that:
I am bored and need to work and that when I am working I won't spend so much time worrying about stuff like this - kind of true.
That I am always resentful of something and if not this then it will be something else - I suppose there is an element of truth to this.
That I am lazy - not true and very hurtful but true that, as my sister put it, I sometimes "get paralysed by things and get less done than [I] could through lack of self belief".
That I think I am above cleaning certain parts of the house.
That he is rude to me and not to other people because I challenge and "niggle" him constantly.
That the mess in the kids' bedrooms (it is true, they are messy) mean that he cannot be affectionate etc.. (or words to that effect).
That he cannot put himself in the vulnerable position of having my name on the deeds as he does not want to be dictated to (he and his first wife got divorced and she got the large family home (her son was his stepson) whereas he got the smaller business with flat on top. He is incredibly resentful of this.
That he would love to "sit" like me and I go and do the work that he does (physical).
I kept on banging on about how I look after the kids and don't feel that what I do is in any way recognised. At that I don't think he loves me. He did not say anything to this.
He referred to some of my friends as "fucking idiots" because a long time ago one of my friends blanked him here at our house on a few occasions. Not entirely sure why she did this but he went ballistic at me afterwards saying she was not to come here. He is very easily hurt and bears a grudge for a long time.
He said that I had suggested us selling the family home ("his" home) so that I could get my name on the next house (it's true that I did say the next house we buy should be in joint names but that was a long time after starting to tell him that the way out of the hard life he leads would be to sell the house, but he wants to do things a different way and he holds all the cards).
I think he has little concept of how insecure I feel. And also low, so that I cannot function properly. He said he does not care how other couples run things (basically on a more equitable basis). Also that I will get part of my Dad's house (hopefully in a long time, the thought of my Dad not being here is very frightening and sad) so I am alright. Which is so not the point. I don't really understand what my role here is. H is not mean in the sense that he works hard to pay the mortgage and in a sense I have more cash on a day to day basis (and also went through a phase, round about the time my mother died 7 years ago, of spending too much money (it was my money but maybe that is not the point and I would do things differently now) and h is still very resentful of this - I have also bought lots for the house and paid for holidays / extras for kids with the money that my Mum left me which is now finished). Sorry - very convoluted sentence.
I basically do not know how to overcome my feeling of depression, inertia and anxiety and do not know what to do for the best. I do not want to be a bit player on h's ship. He maintains that he is not in control either but that is not how I see it. He could sell anything if he so desired. Leave everything to whomever he wants. I feel that I have devoted 12 years to being a SAHM but that I have no assurance as to whether h cares one iota as to what might happen to me were he to die.
Anyway, if you do think IABU (or parts of what I say), please tell me gently!
I do want to work. But I want to work towards something concrete for my own future that I have to look after, not for pocket money to be spent in the context of someone else's life.
Yesterday h said that I should find an internet based job (like translation) so that I can do drop offs and pick ups and be here when the kids are ill.
Yesterday I heard him mumbling "fuck off" and "get out" to himself while upstairs and am convinced he was talking about me sad. So I feel that he needs me here to have someone to look after the kids and that is it.
If you have read this far, thank you 
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