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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How I gods name do you start "that" conversation

24 replies

Blurry29 · 04/07/2014 00:36

That's it really.....

How the hell do I say:

I'm fed up

I've had enough

I love you but not in love with you

We don't try anymore

We have not romance/intimacy

You bug the absolute shit out of me

You have stopped looking after yourself

We don't laugh

I look forward to you going to work

You're a fab dad but shit hubby

We are like housemates

I don't think we like each other at all

God I think I could go on and on and on here (haven't really written any of this before)

We've been married 11 years and if I am being honest I think we have been heading this way for a couple. We have 2 children. We are happy parents and have a happy home but a miserable relationship (iyswim)

I go over and over the start of the conversation in my head then I chicken out. I don't know why I am so worried. I think I am scared that once it is said I can't take it back. I also think that maybe I don't want to hear some home truths about how snappy I can be with him too.

I think it's obvious we don't like each other but maybe we are putting on a good show

It needs to be said and I can see me just blurting it.

What the hell happens once it's said???

We are in a private home so don't have a house to go to

Just don't quite know how to deal with this next step

Thank you xx

OP posts:
justiceofthePeas · 04/07/2014 00:46

What do you want to happen afterwards?

Do you want it to be over or do you want to try to save it?

The answer to these questions changes the way you proceed.

justiceofthePeas · 04/07/2014 00:46

And sorry it has all gone tits.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 04/07/2014 00:46

If it's that bad, I'm sure it won't come as that much of a shock to him. I'd start with saying exactly what you've written there tbh.

Afterwards what happens? Well I suppose that depends if you think there is anything to salvage, do you want to give him the chance to improve or have you decided this is it?

I was in a similar position a few years ago. I blurted it out in an argument, but to be honest it wasn't news to either of us, we'd been on the brink for years. Fwiw, I've never been happier. There is life after marriage, you will both be happier out of this half hearted relationship and the DCs will be fine if you handle it properly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2014 01:04

My communication person says that if you want to have a difficult conversation, listen first. So, what about, "are you happy?". However, if you want the status quo, that;s different.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2014 07:22

'We need to talk'....

MeMyselfAnd1 · 04/07/2014 07:29

Just imagine you are negotiating something with your boss (he is not but if you really want to split or save the martiage you need to be careful with your words).
Have the conversation with a cold head (never during an argument), explain how you feel, what you want and then hear what the other person needs to say.
There is no point at throwing accusations to each other duting THE conversation, otherwise it will only end in yet another pointless argument.

YouAreMyRain · 04/07/2014 10:46

It's a hard conversation. The hardest I've ever had but it was such a relief to get it done. You just need to bite the bullet. Good luck

glasgowstevenagain · 04/07/2014 12:00

What do you want to happen.

Who do you want to have custody of the children

What if he wants it...

Can you survive with no income

or with 20% of his take home as maintenance if you have the children

Good luck

r2d2ismyidealman · 04/07/2014 12:05

I agree with youaremyrain, I had a little panic attack before telling him and then during the conversation. It's hard. It will never be on par with "I'm thinking we should get new towels".

r2d2ismyidealman · 04/07/2014 12:06

Ps, in literal answer to your question, we had been working on trying to save our marriage so it wasn't absolutely out of the blue but still a very big deal and I started with "I'm really sorry, it's over now".

hellsbellsmelons · 04/07/2014 12:28

I sit down with a piece of paper with all my thoughts typed out on it so I don't forget anything.
Then read it out and elaborate where necessary.
Control freak much!????
That's how I do it though. Calm, measured and all there in black in white.
Men often like lists on paper anyway so it helps them as well.

Sorry you are feeling like this.

TheHoneyBadger · 04/07/2014 12:36

i think it's time we talked about the fact that this clearly isn't working....

i'm not happy and i don't think you are either.....

etc.

just going to have to dive in.

whatever comes after will be honest at least and be part of life moving forward rather than just suffocating in denial.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 04/07/2014 14:19

Glasgow, the money isn't the main thing here, happiness is worth so much more. There are always ways to earn money and to make things work on your own. That's never a good enough reason to stay.

doormat123 · 04/07/2014 18:29

Sorry to hear you aren't happy....I think 'we need to talk' is a good start...and perhaps you can have some idea of what to say after you've got all this off your chest, some sort of trying at a solution?...eg do you want to try counselling, or some time alone together, or is that it?

It sounds like it won't come as a surprise?

It's hard...I've been there...but your happiness is important too....

Is there someone you can talk to in RL - I found my mum a huge support - she was upset of course, but the most important thing to her is that her daughter (me) is happy...so she supported me unconditionally.

mumontherun220 · 04/07/2014 18:41

The sooner you do it the sooner you can get onto the next stage whatever that is. My H did something really shit and I just said 'what are we going to do about this?' He knew exactly what i was talking about. Have you thought what he would say? What are you hoping for? We have been through everything and as I have had to stay in the house until the end of July it has been hell. He has promised everything will change, i just need to give him a chance etc.. And i Just want him to see that this is for the best, we were both miserable and this is what needs to happen. But the power of the family, the good times, the fact that separation looks so scary in expensive London. Just say it, the can must be opened for better or worse. XXX

purplegadget · 04/07/2014 23:05

I could've written you original post OP pretty much word for word.

I'm building up to it but I find the fact that once it's said it's out there and something has to happen scary. And, just how and when do you find the opportunity when the kids are not around and you're going to get the time to talk and be upset/angry in private?

purplegadget · 04/07/2014 23:08

Love the 'you bug the absolute shit out of me' line - couldn't have put it better myself.

I could add 'if we never have sex again it'll be too soon'.

Easy for me to make light of it on here but in RL not so.

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 04/07/2014 23:17

"can you survive with no income" way to assume no women have jobs glasgowsteven - where does it say the OP has no income? Hmm

justiceofthePeas · 04/07/2014 23:40

I think whatever you say and whenever maybe don't be too blunt. If you reconcile it will hang there and if you split you still have to get on for tye sake of dcs.
Keep it amicable.
The fact that you no longer find him attractive is just unfortunate (i hope) rather than his fault.

'This isn't working' would probably cover it. And you can go to relate. They facilitate break ups as well as reconciliation.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2014 16:12

'We need to talk' is always doom-laden and sets the other person's expectations low. Whatever you say after 'we need to talk' therefore does not have quite the same shock value.

Tallandgracefulmum · 05/07/2014 18:10

Write a dear John letter.

Original poster
Blurry29 · 06/07/2014 00:42

Apologies for not replying sooner. It wasn't my intention to post &dash, ill read and respond tomorrow

Many thanks again those that have replied xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Blurry29 · 07/07/2014 12:34

Hi all

Sorry for the delay.

I'd love to say I want it to work and we have a good day but it's then followed by a day of me totally disliking him.

It's like he can't be arsed trying anymore, it's like he has the opinion that it's ok because we're married so all the trying should go out the window.

If he ever got like this I used to ask and he would say that he was worried about money etc but I would always reply that whether we had £1 in the bank or thousands it doesn't mean we can't make the effort.

He's a real hands on dad for which I am very lucky but the fun element is sometimes lacking there too

I just feel that it's no fun, we don't laugh anymore

He has stopped looking after himself which in turn makes me not attracted to him either

I never wanted my children to come from a "broken" home but now I think I can't wait until the kids are 18 and leave before being happy again. I'm too young (33) to want that to happen.

He is 10 yrs older than me which has never really been an issue until lately

I wish I had the guts just to say I'm not happy but again once it's said you can't take it back

I'm not worried about doing it alone, we both work and we work hard so we could manage it and I could manage alone but I would always be the one responsible for ending it.

My kids are such happy children and I would be responsible for changing their lives

Gosh I could go on and on x

OP posts:
justiceofthePeas · 07/07/2014 17:22

You can say I am not happy and then try to do something about it. (Like relate)

Or you can leave because you are not happy.

Life is short.

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