Housework/double shift

[Fulbe]

I work part-time but also have two voluntary jobs, and I'm doing my masters dissertation. My husband has just started up his own business and is working really long hours. Which means everything else (washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing up, gardening, hoovering, etc.) all falls to me. I'm getting sick of it but I know DH is working really hard too and so I feel guilty asking him to do anything. I also find myself not having much of a sex drive and feel like I just have to pretend I want to. I know it doesn't do much for his self-esteem when I keep turning him down. Last weekend I just couldn't take it anymore and ended up screaming at him about all this (we don't normally argue, and even when we do, we discuss rather than shout).

I love him dearly and he's a wonderful and kind man, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm starting a training course in September which I know will be really intensive and I don't think I can keep it all up.

Please does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do? I've tried 'going on strike', and he just doesn't notice. He ended up wearing smelly clothes! I've thought about leaving him but we've been together a long time and I love him and don't know what I'd do without him. I just feel I'm getting burnt out with it all.

P.S. I don't have kids but didn't know where else I could ask about this :-)

Goodness.

How old are you?

Do you want kids? If so, definitely not the time to have them til this is sorted.

You're both working very hard and bravo for that to you both. Sounds like you haven't worked out how to organise the boring domestic shit that goes with running a home and being in a relationship.

Can you sit down with him, state a time and day, bottle of wine and a takeaway and talk about this rationally? About how to divide the jobs I mean?

Well, the voluntary work has to go?

The voluntary work needs to go. It's unfair to take it out on him when you have taken on more than you need to.

I would sit down together and agree a list of jobs that need to be done daily / weekly / monthly and divide them, time wise 50/50.
Really two adults with no kids or pets there shouldn't be that much to do provided you both act sensibly day to day. Put dirty clothes in the basket, pull the bed straight as you get up etc.

Quit the voluntary stuff, at least till your disso and training are done.

What sort of business has he got? Does he have to have clean shirts and suit, or is it overalls and things which will get dirty? Can you afford a cleaner or laundry service at all?

Order groceries online for delivery. And do as purplemurple suggests, agreeing the list of jobs that need to be done and when.

What is the voluntary work? Presumably you find it fulfilling and enjoyable or you wouldn't be doing it. I would have a proper discussion before quitting this work. If it means a lot to you why give it up? Can he cut his 'long hours' a bit so he can take up some slack at home?

Hire some help maybe? Pay someone to do the things you can't do because you're doing volunteer work and going to school and DH is starting a business?

I know plenty of childless couples who hire household help.

I don't really see why you're doing all the housework: where does it say that the partner who earns the least has to do all the housework? Nowhere, I think.

I think you should read "Wifework", then have a chat with your dh.

Get it sorted now because when/if children arrive, the amount of work increases to points you just wouldn't believe, and your earnings will almost certainly drop even lower. You will then find yourself in a bit of a nightmare situation (I suspect) as regards the amount of unpaid domestic labour you are doing.

Seriously, though, I wonder what is going on elsewhere in your relationship - I remember the days before before children as involving very little housework and that being shared fairly equitably (despite a large paid wage differential) - mainly because there was very little housework.

Good luck.

Personally I wouldn't drop your voluntary work unless it means you don't have time to do your half of the housework.

For us a list of jobs would be something like below ans really not take long.

Daily
partner 1 - cook easy dinner, move clothes washing to next stage
Both - quick tidy of own mess downstairs, put away clean clean clothes
Partner 2 - wash up, clean kitchen (quick)

Weekly together
Hover / dust downstairs, wipe round and mop bathroom, catch up on clothes/towels washing, and a 'proper clean of one other room - bathroom, kitchen, bedroom(Inc change bedding), living room - so they each get done once a month.
Mow / strimmer grass as needed - if someone likes gardening they do extra but it's not part of the shared work.

Thank you for your advice. We've been together 12 years and it's been getting less and less equitable over time. That's the thing that I really struggle with. We had a talk last night but we've had so many 'talks', which lead to a change in his behaviour for a couple of days.

It's not to do with earnings, as I used to earn more than him and soon will again, and still had to do the bulk of it. I also do at least full time hours in total. I needed to do the voluntary jobs to further my career.

I think I needed just to tell someone. Thank you for your encouragement. I'll keep trying! Maybe employing someone is the only solution.

I'd just get s cleaner assuming you can afford it. But I agree, you shouldn't be doing more than half the remainder.

The voluntary work needs to go. It's unfair to take it out on him when you have taken on more than you need to

This sorry.....The business he has started will benefit both of you.
You have simply taken on too much.

Sounds like he might not be being very efficient re his business if he has to work really long hours.

Does he have to? Or is it just an easy getout from the housework?

Read 'Wifework'.

The voluntary work is to further her career and earning potential surely that is just as beneficial if not more so than his business as op is the higher earner.

This is a man who fundamentally believes that domestic work is women's work. That it's what women are really 'for'. That they exist for men's benefit. That's why you;ve asked him repeatedly to do his fair share and he's said 'Yes dear' and done a bit for a day or two in order to make you shut up, then carried on not doing it. He's treating you like a faulty appliance that needs the occasional reboot when it starts to whine.

Really, you have two options. One is to decide that his good points make up for his misogyny, and to throw money at the problem: hire a cleaner, get takeaways/Ocado delivery or whatever.

THe other is to end the relationship, because you feel that you deserve better.

BY the way, it's not at all surprising that you don't want sex with him. His attitude has transformed sex into another service he expects from you.