Please help, need advice, will be long

[Gutted10]

I got involved with someone after ending my marriage after 13 years. I'll call him D.

I felt adored at first by D, I really think/thought he was 'the one'. We've had our arguments but I thought that it was healthy as me and STBXH never shouted.

I've been hit on 4 occasions. Just a slap. This isn't good is it.

He always wanted to keep in contact. The past few months he hasn't sent the messages he used too and when I pulled him on it tonight I'm smothering him. I feel embarrassed and humiliated :(

I need to end it don't I. He gives me a feeling in my belly like know one else has ever done. Im sobbing as I type

Gutted,
So sorry you are going through this.
Yes you do need to leave him. Because he is abusing you. It is never of for someone to hit you. Never. Not even 'just a slap'.

That feeling in your stomach, it may well be more of a nervous walking on eggshells type feeling rather than love.

You have already figured out you need to leave him. Well done, you are one step further than I was when I posted in here about my ex.

Have you had any thoughts on how you can leave him?
What are the details of your situation? Married/cohabiting? Any children? Financial ties?

If you can, get in touch with women's aid. They can be hard to get hold of, but worth the effort. They really helped me see things clearly.

And keep posting. Mn can really help you through the next bit.

That feeling in your belly? That's fear. We can mistake it for strong attraction.

x-post

Had a row tonight and now not talking. I hate this :( thank you. The thing is never usually row with anyone! I must obviously do something to wind him up! Thing is it's winding me up too :(

It's not what you do, it's how he reacts that's the problem.

Most people do not slap other people during arguments, they just don't.

Would you tolerate this from a friend? A stranger on the street? How does he have more "right" to slap you than anyone else? He doesn't.

You sound really caught up in this though. It might take you a little longer to break up with this abuser.
And he is an abuser. Victims of violence take an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. How many attempts have you made so far?

Yes, scrape him off.

If he has not been contacting you, then maybe he has already moved on? (Sorry, but that would be a good thing.) If he still professes to be in a relationship with you, the thought popped into my head that you could be one of several. (Again sorry, but that would also be a good thing-after STI check!-because he will be immediately distracted by someone else and not hang around to punish you for dumping him.)

just a slap Please do not minimize the physical abuse. He has crossed a primary boundary several times. Your forbearance/tolerance of it will only lead to presentations of worse things to put up with/endure. This will destroy you in a variety of ways. Nip it in the bud; get out asap.

Shouting is not healthy, btw. Imho, your comparison with your previous relationship is a red herring. Anger is not vented and dissipated by shouting, it is fueled by shouting... increasing the time to return emotional equilibrium, heal the wounds and reestablish trust.

The feeling in your belly may be the result of being played by a seduction expert.

Btw, don't be fooled into thinking you can change this.

You can't bargain with him, get him to promise on his life he'll never ever do it again, blah blah blah, and make it all better.

It'll just be back on the old nasty rollercoaster, a countdown to the next awful episode.

I've never left him. I've always forgiven him. Sorry if tmi but today I gave him a bj before he went out this afternoon. I'm a mug aren't I :( had a few words with him tonight as he hadn't contacted me like he would have done. I don't want to be this person :(

Thank you both for your wise words x

It's not you. It's him. you need to get rid of him. Is this what you want for yourself in 5, 10, 20 years time?

No I don't want this at all. I thank you all for your messages and advice. I've got to leave him haven't I. So gutted as I love him so much :(

I'm sorry to be harsh but I'm going to call you on this - I don't think you do love him. He hits you, abuses you, takes sexual favours off you, then ignores you - really whats to love?
I think whatever happened to end your 13 year marriage, knocked you and your confidence. He came along and made you feel adored, the rows after never rowing with your ex probably seemed to show how strong your emotions were, and I think you feel in love with the passion of it all. All very very understandable. My bet is you are in love with the idea of him, the idea of a new life after your marriage. But thats not being in love with him.
Hopefully some of that rings true - if not now maybe in the cold light of morning.
Either way please cut him off - don't put up with this

Too bloody right you've got to leave him.

I was in a brief relationship with someone who, while he never actually slapped me, was emotionally abusive, dropped me onto the floor, shouted at me (in my face sort of shouting, very scary) and was a pathological liar. I was so hooked on him, I put up with it, made excuse after excuse (shit upbringing, horrible parents etc.) - and when he finally left me (LUCKILY!!) I was so devastated. I have NO IDEA why I was so into him, he was awful - but there was such a strong chemical response to him, it was bizarre.

I didn't even like him when I found out he'd left me for someone else - but whenever he came round, I found myself falling back under his "spell" again.

It might not be logical love, but it's chemical attraction - and it's hard to get past, but you can do it. In fact, you have to. Dump his sorry arse, block his numbers, block him on FB, refuse to answer his emails, whatever - and find somewhere to go on the Freedom programme so you can avoid falling into a relationship with this kind of abusive arsehole ever again.

4 slaps are 4 too many. Stop it now before it gets worse and you get badly hurt.

It sounds like you are not living together, correct? You mention 'keeping in contact' so I'm assuming that. Just go NC immediately. He is no good for you or any woman. A man who hits is lower than low. He deserves no explanation from you, just dead silence. And you deserve much, much more than a man who abuses you. If you have any of his possessions, box them up and post them to him.

If you are living together and the place is yours, kick his sorry ass out, effective immediately. If it's his place, pack your things and get out as soon as you possibly can, even if you have to bunk at a friend's or your parent's.

Bottom line, get away from this man as soon as humanly possible.

I suspect you got together with this D too soon after you split up from your husband.

If I'm right, your grief for your marriage is getting confused with your feelings for this abuser.

Ask yourself where your boundaries have gone.

'Just a slap' - so in your head it's ok for your partner to slap you. You might not like it, but you don't think it's that bad. OK.

Where is your actual boundary going to be?

What about when he punches you? Is that going to be enough?
What about when he blacks your eye? Is that going to be enough?
What about when you have to wear clothes to hide bruises? Is that going to be enough?
What about when he throws you against the wall? enough yet?
What about when he chokes you? Enough?

Why do you believe you deserve this treatment? Why do you believe he is entitled to do these things? Why is he allowed to physically attack you?

You know a healthy normal boundary would have been the first slap.