Can anyone explain projection/projecting to me?

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

Please?

I have googled but it was all a bit 'much' and fried my teeny brain.

Wonders if I've reached the point where I can't actually read something unless it was written by a MNer.

Would like to understand it properly.

Thanks!

:)

An example. You are someone who eats cake once a month, someone who eats cake every day tells you, that You have a problem with cake.

They kind of 'project' the negative thoughts they are having, onto you, rather than taking responsibility for having them themselves.

People identify faults in other people that they have themselves but don't seem consciously aware of or don't want to accept as being true about themselves.

The classic is being told you are a control freak by someone who is, erm ,a control freak.

Just change every "you" to a "me/I" in what they say and you will get it.

So, "You are so selfish, all you think about is yourself. You are totally money centred and shallow and I would be better off without you." BECOMES...

"I am so selfish, all I think about is myself. I am totally money ecntred and shallow and you would be better off without me."

Hope this helps.

It's when you assume somebody else is thinking or feeling something in a certain situation because that is what YOU would think or feel. You don't think about what their personal motivations might be and that might not be what they are thinking or feeling.

Conversely, somebody might assume you are thinking or feeling something in a certain situation because that is how THEY would think or feel. It may not actually be what you are thinking or feeling.

Example (entirely theoretical): My dog has to go to the vet later for an injection. I hate needles. I can see she is sad and anxious.

Reality: Dog is same as always. Dog does not know she is going to the vet. I am projecting my emotions on to her.

Yes, that helps, thanks!

I'm currently recovering from an NPD relationship (SiL, I have posted about it) and I think a fair bit of projecting was going on there.

The cake thing is an example. I'm a size 16 (massive boobs - size 14 won't fit over them), she's a size 22. she tells me I eat too much/eat the wrong stuff, blah blah. I don't, I have a good diet.

She also used to tell me I used alcohol as a 'crutch'. Again I don't, I just like the taste of wine or cider occasionally. However, she was sacked from a temp job for stealing a bottle of wine.

Stuff like that.

Conversely, somebody might assume you are thinking or feeling something in a certain situation because that is how THEY would think or feel.

She does that too. Often tells me what DP is thinking when I know (having lived with the man for 9 years whereas he left home when she was 12 so spent no time as an adult with him) full when what the poor bugger is thinking.

I don't see her now. Is fucking bliss!!

It is amazing the clarity you get when you go NC with a narc.

Don't get sucked back in whatever you do!!

There is also something called magical thinking. Basically mind reading is expected or mind reading happens.

Sadly I was once very rubbish at expressing my needs and thought others magically knew , I have since moved on.

I think it's also when you judge people by what you would do yourself
For example my narc brother accused me of trying to rip him off over something because that's what he would have done in my position ( I wasn't and have now gone nc)

Another example is abusers who have a victim complex and claim they are the ones being abused.

SiL will eventually do the victim complex thing.

She has sent me three (admittedly nice) texts which I didn't respond to. This is 'hoovering' I've been told by trusty MNers.

I can guarantee that I'll get the whole "WHY aren't you speaking to me? I'm just so NICE!"

I am interested in what "hoovering" is?

Why are you ignorning her? Just give her a brief response for the sake of getting on. i don't know the history

Projection is basically how mn works on many threads. Many more uncomfortable posts tell you FAR more about the poster than what they think of the op.

Ignoring her because she treats me and DS with nothing but contempt when she's with us, constantly wants money, has no boundaries and leaves me mentally exhausted.

Tried getting on with her for 9 years.

It's all or nothing with her. If I make contact again she'll think she owns me.

:(

Am studying psychology though and her behaviour facinates me!!

You can work around someone like that, only if you have strong boundaries.

But peachy life is too short to have to work around someone like that. Why should OP be left "mentally exhausted?"

Far far better to just stay NC and let them suck the life force out of someone else cos they just move onto their next victim anyway.

Hoovering is when the narc tries to "suck you back in" which is usually by being really nice so you feel guilty/ or by pretending nothing happened and sweeping it all under the carpet - this is called the re set button. If this doesn't get a response they might say/do something so breathtakingly nasty that you wade in to defend yourself and then you have broken NC and are in their evil clutches again.

Other narcs send in the flying monkeys, other friends and family members to tell you how the narc is "devastated" or "has a serious mystery illness" They follow a clear pattern.

Stay away OP, you know it is the only solution. Good luck

Just don't even think about using her as a case study.

If you get that thought you MUST come here and let us know - we can knock you senseless and keep you that way until the moment has passed

I know how hard it will be to stop yourself, my poisonous SIL worked her way into a couple of my assignments - wasn't a good thing!