An ex- make me feel less guilty.

[pinkfrocks]

Ha- not what you think!
An ex who I'd not seen for many decades got in touch last year by email ( he'd had to dig to find me.)
It was quite a 'tender' email saying he'd thought about me all the time for years blah blah.
He's divorced, I'm married. We drifted apart when we split up- but it was mainly him who didn't keep up the contact ( we lived apart during our uni years) so I'd always 'blamed' him for the split.

I met him for lunch - several months after his email- because we don't live near each other and it had to wait until I was in his area which I am a few times each year seeing my sister.
It was fine- but no spark for me - odd feeling as I'd been potty over him in the past. After the lunch he suggested we had a walk round the town etc if I wanted to but I declined and then it was a 'goodbye till next time' from him. I sent him a friendly text saying thanks for the lunch ( it was at a nice restaurant) - ditto him- and now nothing. 6 months back.

Anyway- I feel a bit bad that perhaps I made it too obvious that there was no spark for me - I found the conversation a bit hard going.
I suppose I feel I've hurt him a bit by not keeping up the contact and rushing off at the end of the lunch- but then again, I've heard nothing from him.
Just resign it all to history again? I don't want to start anything at all- don't get me wrong- and of course he could have had unrealistic expectations - but just feel a bit odd over it all.

Does your husband know you met this ex for lunch? It sounds like you went on this lunch to see if there was still a spark or not - rather unfair when you have a marriage, don't you think?

Since it's been half a year since said... date / meal.. I'd just let it go. He's in your past. Remember the good memories you shared & move on. Maybe he felt the same as you do - realised there's no longer a spark, put to rest whatever he wanted to & has moved on.

I guess with or without the internet he was determined to find you. Its in the past best place for it.

He may well have wanted a shag and moved on when he didn't get one, but what did you want? Are you contemplating sex with someone else? Is your marriage dead or dying? Were you after the ego-boost of seeing if he still fancied you?

LOL the assumptions!

I was staying with my sister and our elderly mum. Both knew where I was, who I was with, as did DH who read the initial email (I showed him it) and who was fine about it all. We trust each other.

I didn't want anything except a friendly and totally platonic catch up with someone I'd not seen or heard from in 40 years.

okay?

Gawd, not ok pink frocks!!!!

I wouldn't worry too much. If you are it seems everything was left quite nicely so you could send him a quick catch up email to check in.

Potentially tho, he hoped you were unhappily married and would want to sail into sunset with you. Saw this was not the case and left you to it?

That should be a a and a

"I didn't want anything except a friendly and totally platonic catch up with someone I'd not seen or heard from in 40 years."

And that's exactly what you got, so what are you guilty about? He hasn't kept up the contact any more than you have. To be honest, it sounds like that's what's really bothering you - that you got this tender email, and now nothing.

Right, so what are you fussing about? You told everyone, it was out in the open, you had a pleasant reunion and went back home happy.

I did something similar about 6 years ago; got back in touch with an XP via Facebook and met up with him (and several friends, and his fiancee) for drinks. Had a lovely evening, wished each other well and went our separate ways. It's pleasant but no big deal.

Is your pride a little hurt? Was there a secret bit of you deep inside that wanted this man to still be a bit in love with you and to try a bit harder?

I suspect what McBear said in their last sentence though. His marriage imploded, he thought of you with the rose-tinted spectacles of a long time ago, hoped that the grass might be greener, saw that it obviously wasn't and went on his way.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, remember him fondly and crack on with your life

My pride is not hurt one little bit. I don't need to be flattered or whatever by an old flame...

He's been on his own for some time. I don't even know if he has a partner or girlfriend now- we didn't get as far as talking about that. He may well have.

I want absolutely nothing from him- why do people always think 'the worst'???

I feel a bit guilty because I think I might have made it obvious that I didn't want to prolong the lunch or be more enthusiastic about seeing him again (I waited 6 months after his email before agreeing to meet, anyway, mainly due to logistics.)

I simply feel a bit guilty because his email when he 'found me' was quite gushy and if he did have expectations of some reunion then it didn't happen. The suggestion was that when I was around in that area again visiting my family, I might like to call him for another lunch. I haven't, because a) I don't want to start anything 'romantic' and b) I found the conversation a bit hard going.

But I feel I've hurt his feelings a bit in the process because I've rejected his offer of being friends again. No idea if he hoped for more.

I don't understand your guilt?

You wanted a platonic catch up, you were clear about that. He knows you want a platonic relationship and chose not to accept that so hasn't contacted you again.

What's the problem?

tbh I think there's always this ideal when we get back in touch with a friend/ex from the long-lost past because we remember the good bits but seem to forget that we've all moved off in separate directions and have lived entirely separate lives which are often just nothing like where we came from iyswim.

I have an ex (well, I was about fifteen so not exactly serious relationship stuff)on my fb and over the years we've periodically commented on each other's posts. A few years ago he added me to Skype and one day I randomly called him for a chat, and the interaction was so stilted that I left the conversation wondering how we'd ever actually even been friends let alone in any kind of relationship (he was a bit older than me and had had far greater expectations of a relationship).

I have another ex who again periodically popped up on my fb.Then he discovered that I was divorced and sent me a message telling me how much he had been thinking about me over the weekend and hoped I was ok (I'd been split from xh for eighteen months by then and was with dp already). I replied yes and he pursued it saying that he knows me better than anyone and that he just knows something's wrong and he would like to be there for me (I haven't actually seen him for twenty years) at which point I said I was very happy with someone I am in a fantastic relationship with, and that I'm sure he knows how that feels given he has a wife n all (she is his third wife mind). he then tried to tell me his message was sent from God.

invariably contact with ex's just leads to disappointment either because the chemistry isn't there if you wanted it to be, or because you remember why they became ex's in the first place.

I'm going to leave this now because I thought there might be some support- there's not a lot here :)
Too many people reading things into the situation that aren't there and too many suggestions that I'm wanting more, am miffed blah blah- all untrue.

The bottom line is he offered a hand of friendship and meet-ups whenever I was visiting my family - he might have wanted more, I've no idea. I didn't encourage him and for me there wasn't enough of a connection to see him as a friend. So I've left it- when he put the ball in my court. He might feel hurt- no idea. But I don't like hurting anyone and hope he's not.

Sorry, I wasn't meaning to be unsupportive.

I just kind of meant that the past is usually best left in the past iykwim.

I still don't think you need to feel guilty, whatever he hoped for in a reunion when he emailed obviously didn't happen when you met so just let it go?

Let me clarify -

Out of curiosity you met an ex for lunch 6 months ago.
Had a nice catch up but made it clear you weren't interested in anything more.
He hasn't contacted you since, you haven't contacted him since.
This was 6 months ago.
Now you're worried that there is a possibiity he might be hurt that you weren't interested in him.

Do you worry too much about lots of things that are mostly in your head?

Too many people reading things into the situation that aren't there Maybe you need to take your own words. It all sounds like you're reading into this too much too. You met with everyone aware of what you were doing. Had a meal. And both gone your separate ways.

I don't want or mean to sound harsh.. but I don't really understand what the issue is here?

Sory OP Im with the others. Are you feeling guilty that you dont want to give him the reunion he was expecting? Cos you dont owe him anything you know. Just because he didnt get the reunion he wanted does not make that YOUR fault.

Plus he obv realised that it was a dead end street anyway as he hasnt been in touch so no harm done! He could have met someone the following day and be head over heels in love!

Just enjoy the nice catch up!

And the award for strangest OP goes to....