Not 'sweating the small stuff'...

[Whattodowithit]

I considered posting this in Teenagers (but I know there's far more traffic here) although the DCs in question are late teens/early 20s.

I have a different approach to a friend of mine, and would love to canvas opinions, as I'm obviously not doing something right. I have known this friend for many, many years. We have very different approaches to the usual horrid mess left lying about that DCs of this age are infamous for. I refuse to clear up and expect them to sort out their own mess, load the dishwasher, do their own laundry otherwise they'll run out of clothes, etc. You get the picture. She will clear up the mess, tidy bedrooms, do laundry etc etc, because she can't stand a filthy house that she has to live in. I hate the filthy mess I live in, and have to step around it. She says I'm 'sweating the small stuff' due to being incredibly stubborn: I think she's not making her DCs accept responsibility and learn to look after themselves. We're in no way having a row about it - it's just a different way of doing things, and I don't seem to be able to find a middle ground that works for me. (The DC who is the worst is particularly obnoxious and no sanctions have ever worked, sadly.)

This really is just wondering what other people think, and if I am in fact being too stubborn and should accept that DCs of that age really don't see such a mess, or indeed care about it.

I have another friend who is incredibly forthright with her DCs of the same age and tells them to DO IT AND DO IT NOW and this approach works for her. I've tried it, and it doesn't with me .

Just curious. Thanks in advance, lovely Mnetters.

Im with you. Picking up after teens is not on. Them taking care of things themselves is taking responsibility for themselves. Only babies get picked up after (unless there's illness or something exceptional going on).

Teens are moving towards learning to be adults. That includes learning that Mum isn't just there as their meal-provider and picker-upper and clothes washer and taxi and ... and ... and ...

DS (14yo) & I have decided it works best if we aim for teamwork. I'm in management so it's where I'm comfortable. He has agreed to....

• Several specific/regular household tasks that he is solely responsible for e.g. dealing with recycling.
• 'Givens'.... which are ongoing things like personal hygiene, maintaining a bank account sensibly, keeping his bedroom reasonably tidy, clearing dishes, cooking the odd meal and helping when asked (and without grumbling) at other times. These have changed according to age & ability
• Extras like washing my car are an opportunity to earn more pocket money.

For my part I have agreed to....

• Give him a monthly allowance
• Trust him to get on with the givens but review performance as and when I think it necessary.
• Respect privacy.

Thank you both very much. Food for thought, Cog, though sadly my youngest DC is so far from even considering teamwork. I shall continue trying, whilst pushing the dirty plates out of the way.

I don't have teens yet. I have nine and eight year old girls. I already expect them to tidy their own mess put dirty clothes in wash basket help clean surfaces etc. if they won't clean up their mess I put it under their duvets on their bed. That usually works if not I put it all in a black bag and leave it by their door with a warning to put it away or lose it. Thankfully I rarely have to do either as most of the time they are pretty good. God knows as teens though. I have the four dc in total and refuse to do absolutely everything for them. I had everything done for me and when I left home at sixteen I was clueless as to how to look after myself properly.

What do you put under the duvets Celestria?

She puts the mess from their rooms i am assuming.

I expect my five year old to help out, let alone teens!!

I have a 16 year old and put it all on his bed

I have to clear up the mess in communal areas which I do with a lot of huffing and puffing. I just cannot leave it.

Their own bedrooms though are disgusting festering holes which I just do not enter.

I only wash what ends up in the washing basket and then leave it (unironed) in piles outside their bedroom doors. I do not wade through the floordrobes. If I run out of glasss/forks/sideplates I just tell them it is time for an amnesty and they are to bring them downstairs immediately or there will be no more food.

I'm pretty much with hamptoncourt. However, DSs (now 30 on his own, 25 moving out next month) were not allowed to take food/drink to their rooms, which are upstairs, because they'd leave it half eaten for days. They could take bottles of water, but that's IT! They say I'm the only mum who can tell at a glance what's missing from the dish cupboard & cutlery drawer, ha.

They also understood that whilst mum would (somewhat) clean up after them downstairs, she was also likely to poke into the things they left or throw things away. As a result, they were pretty 'selective' about what they left lying around.

A topical thread for me...dds 5 & 9 away at their father house last weekend. So, as usual I changed beds, hoovered, tidied their rooms a bit.

Monday morning dd (9) has crap all over bedroom floor . When I 'comment ' I get told "you don't care about me ".

So I decided to give her a 'bedroom challenge'... I don't do anything in there til next Monday apart from put clean washing away .

It was all I could think of at the time / put on the spot / needed to get to school.

I too, say no food upstairs. Still I find apple cores rotting in the bottom of wicker paper bins...

It's an interesting thread, will be reading with interest .

I'm with you op, although whenever I ask the dcs to do something as simple as put their shoes away, it is as though I have asked them to donate a kidney.

The arguments it causes are huge.

I am told I am a miserable grump and of course no other teenager in the entire universe has to do any jobs whatsoever, never, ever, their mum does absolutely everything .

I throw anything they leave lying around into their bedrooms and shut the door. I do go in to open the windows to alleviate the smell but I don't attempt to clear their rooms.

I agree with you too OP. DS is now approaching 30 but was a messy teenager.

Rule was it's your space, up to you what you do with it, none of my plates/cutlery to go up there, anything left downstairs or in the bathroom will be chucked in a binbag and tipped out on your bed. Clothes put in the laundry basket were washed and returned. If not in the basket he had to wash them himself.

He still lives at home, his room is probably tidier than mine these days!

I have a friend who took extreme measures however, when her DS was being a teenage PITA and moaning about her not respecting his privacy as she couldn't bear the mess in his room and used to go in to tidy her DP told him he needed to earn the right to privacy and took the bedroom door off!

My 5yo DD is pretty good at tidying and always puts laundry in the washing basket and wants to help. My teen DSSs are a different kettle of fish. They are not difficult but soooo messy and leave everything at their backsides. I find myself tidying up after them as I can't be bothered listening to the sound of my own voice on it. Nagging them makes me feel like a Disney stepmother! They have never done anything I ask them to do so I don't bother. I feel their mother is to blame she does absolutely everything for them. She is a SAHM, so I suppose she views it as her job. I pity their future wives or girlfriends!