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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Rejection (dating)

25 replies

niceupthedance · 03/07/2014 12:11

I'm sure this is something most people go through while dating, a few great dates then the other person disappears.

I am quite used to FB scenarios but for some reason this has really affected me, I think due to his enthusiasm, talking about the future etc, although we both agreed it would be casual. On the last date, I had made it clear I didn't want to have sex as he was leaving at 7pm to go to a party. He didn't text me at all the following week,then went on holiday. I wished him a good trip before he went and he said he would tell me all about it when he got back. It's been a week now and no word. I presume he has no further interest. But it has really got me angry. I know I should just leave it but couldn't he just say 'sorry it's not working for me'?

Please tell me I'm not the only one this has happened to. And any tips for feeling better. I am talking to others but really can't bring myself to go on another date in case it happens again. I feel so stupid!

OP posts:

Miggsie · 03/07/2014 12:19

This happened to me and when I did ring and ask what was going on he said "I've found someone else".
Just couldn't be bothered to tell me - nice!

My friend and I had great fun eating the Easter Egg I'd bought for him.

A lot of people are moral cowards and you are well rid if this is the case. I suspect all his talk about the future may be an act to lure a woman in and he actually is fairly selfish...if he can't wait a few weeks for sex then he wasn't after anything very meaningful.

GoatsDoRoam · 03/07/2014 12:22

I'm sorry you're feeling rejected. It's nothing at all to do with your worth as a person -- but you know that. It still stings, though!

Very often, people are just not brave enough to say "sorry, it's not working for me" because they are afraid of confrontation. So they avoid having that conversation entirely, which causes the other person (you) even more hurt than straight up honesty would. It's shit, but he's not the first person to do it, and he won't be the last. It is possible that some of your future dates will pull the "fade out" instead of manning up, too.

But don't stop dating just because of other people's mistakes and inadequacies! You'd be doing your own self a disservice.

Do let this go, don't chase him for closure, just reach closure yourself by accepting that it is over, inelegant exit on his part and all, and that you have every reason to keep on searching for happiness with a kind and respectful companion.

GoatsDoRoam · 03/07/2014 12:27

And if he does make casual contact again in the future (looking for a booty call), you have every right to reply with a withering "Sorry, who is this?"

Original poster

niceupthedance · 03/07/2014 12:50

Bless you all for making me feel a bit better. I am finding it laughable that he lists on his profile (and he is online ALL the time) that he is 'honest, polite and straight forward'. I don't think I've met anyone who was a bigger bullshitter!

OP posts:

MysteryMan1 · 03/07/2014 13:33

Agree with the other posters. Some people can't have a straight conversation for a multitude of reasons. Time to forget about it and move on...

I do think that the online dating thing does not help-it becomes a bit of a supermarket. No excuse though!

Earlybird · 03/07/2014 13:40

how many times did you see him?
and, you've had sex with him?

Just wondering if he said all the 'right things' before you'd slept together. When you said you didn't want sex one night, he seems to have disappeared. Maybe he just wanted a physical relationship.....which stinks, if he misled you. Either way, I'd move on.

Maybe, in future, you should slow things right down and get to know a person properly. Chances are, you will then have a better idea who the person really is.

Original poster

niceupthedance · 03/07/2014 14:22

Had four dates, didn't have sex with him but would have if the circumstances were right. I wasn't looking for commitment, but I don't sleep with everyone I date.

I'm glad now that I stuck to my principles (didn't want to have sex if he was leaving straight after) as I think I would have felt even worse if I had and he'd bailed. I just feel like I'm a bad judge of character for trusting what he was implying, ie there would be more dates. Other people I have been involved with have been honest about their intentions ie they just want to hook up etc.

Oh well, onwards and upwards.

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Earlybird · 03/07/2014 14:27

You're not a bad judge of character - he is a manipulative, misleading creep. Thank goodness his true colours came out early on, so you don't have a lot of time and emotion invested in him.

itwillgetbettersoon · 03/07/2014 15:34

Hi OP I feel the same. Been dating someone I met online for two mths and today he dumps me by text. Having not dated for 25 years I have found it really cold, cruel and cowardly -yet I'm told this is how it is done now. Not sure if I cZn be bothered to start again.

Original poster

niceupthedance · 03/07/2014 16:00

I think technology has a lot to answer for, when it comes to this kind of unacceptable behaviour. I just think 'would you do this to a friend?' Clearly not. Sorry you are having a bad time as well itgets.

OP posts:

MysteryMan1 · 03/07/2014 16:16

Sounds like he knew what he wanted but was either too shy/immature to be straight with you. Maybe some inexperience in there too...

Sounds like you made the right decision though and yes, modern technology means one can be completely faceless, enabling them to do/say things to someone they would never do otherwise.

Lovingfreedom · 03/07/2014 16:23

If you agree that it's 'just casual' and you haven't had sex yet then I think it will often just drift off, especially if one party goes away for a few days, or has a period of intense work or whatever.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2014 17:24

This "disapperaing" is incredibly common in online dating. Really rude and irritating but it's not you, honest

gatewalker · 03/07/2014 20:28

I'm sorry you've been through this, nice. Online dating can be a pretty wild ride. The only advice I have is a purely personal decision: I never contact a person who says they're "honest" in their profile. My feeling is that if they're honest, they wouldn't even consider saying it; it's simply part of their nature.

Original poster

niceupthedance · 03/07/2014 20:47

That's very true gatewalker, I hadn't thought of it like that. I wouldn't list those qualities myself as I would take them as given. He made a right big deal of having 'manners' as well. Funny in retrospect. Also I think that even though he fancies himself as a casual dater, he actually has little experience of the reality, having been in a ltr for many years (broke up last year).

I guess I will be reading profiles between the lines from now on.

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ladyblablah · 03/07/2014 21:05

Also, please don't say you want something casual when you actually want something else!
Say what you want.....first rule of dating.

MadeMan · 03/07/2014 21:10

I think it's all just a part of fast modern life. Dumping by text, disappearing suddenly with no explanations, or dropping their Big Mac wrapper on the floor next to the bin; people it seems can't be arsed with anything anymore.

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 21:11

At least you found out early! Well done for being so self assured re the sex. You sound like you know what you want and your methods will weed out the wankers.

MadeMan · 03/07/2014 21:15

"weed out the wankers."

That could make a good tee shirt slogan; you might be on to something there.

Original poster

niceupthedance · 03/07/2014 21:16

Actually I'm fine with casual, I don't believe in monogamy. I do believe in straightforward communication though. In fact I'd say that's the number one rule of having a casual arrangement.

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Original poster

niceupthedance · 03/07/2014 21:19

X post that was to ladyblahblah

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ladyblablah · 03/07/2014 22:20

But casual means there will be weeks that go by with no contact surely?
That was my definition of casual anyway?

LittleLadyFooFoo · 04/07/2014 02:16

You can be casual but monogamous. I insist on monogamy as my sexual health is too important to me. You can have a casual dating/sexual thing going on which suits you both.
Sorry this guy was too weak to let you know where you stood. So annoying. I had similar once...when I text him, he simply said he had met someone else! Would have been nice to know! I agree with PP who said having 'honest', 'genuine' and 'trustworthy' could be a red flag....anyone genuine would not need to point it out.
Develop a thick skin, dismiss him and see it as a lesson learnt...then 'neeexxxttt!!'. The next one could be your number one guy. Good luck :0)

Roseflowers · 04/07/2014 02:50

Hey it's not just online dating where these idiots hang out, it's happened to me whilst dating someone I met in the real world too! We drunkenly got together one night and then he asked me out on a date. After a month of dating and texting me every morning etc, he went on holiday for two weeks and just stopped returning my messages. I found out from his housemates a while later that he'd come back off holiday and immediately moved halfway across the country after losing his job! Jesus, a simple 'It's been nice but I'm moving and can't be arsed to carry this on' would have been nice, rather than simply dropping off the face of the earth...

Some people are sadly just cowards, or plain impolite.

Original poster

niceupthedance · 04/07/2014 07:00

Thanks everyone, feel a bit more like myself again this morning. I will get back on the horse. Meeting someone else on Saturday so I will see how that goes.

Lady - I agree that's what casual means to me. Someone else I only see once every couple of months with minimal contact. This guy insisted on going out once a week, with contact inbetween. His definition of casual obviously varies with his level of interest

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