Please help me understand how such abusive behaviour can be denied?

[Wishyouwould]

I know there are a few thread about abusive partners at the mo. I've also posted about it before. I've had counselling, spilled my heart to close friends and read soooo many books but I just can't seem to let go of the anger about my STBXH's abuse and denial.

Some of the abuse:

Constantly telling me to shut up in front of our DTs
Coming home drunk, trying to have sex with me and then sulking and being verbally abusive when I wouldn't allow it
Calling be a fcking bitch in front of our DTs
Calling me a cunt on numerous occasions
Calling our DS 'a f*cking idiot' when the nerves got the better of him in an exam
Losing his temper and hitting our DS in the face
Getting our DD to video him naked in the shower necking back alcohol and posting it on YouTube
And many, many more things.

He is in total denial about the abuse. Says it's normal to tell your partner to shut up. Called me names in front of our DS because I made him angry. Can't remember trying to have sex with me when drunk - how convenient. Said he called his son an idiot to me and not to DS so that's ok. Hitting DS was an accident - I was there it was no accident. Nothing wrong with the video - I have no sense of humour.

I know it happened. He knows it happened. Our DC know it happened. How can he deny it, justify it, minimise it and sleep at night?

Read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" - he describes exactly why men do this and why they don't stop. And why women with such men should leave.

Lundy has worked with abusive and controlling men for 15 years and knows what he is talking about.

He can sleep at night because he denies it - to you and himself. If he admitted the truth - that he's an arse - he would probably have an issue looking in the mirror.

I have grown up with some awful stuff happening and none if it was ever admitted. Even though other people were present. I assume the above.

Glad to hear is is your soon to be ex...

Hi Wishyouwould I believe I started one of those other threads. I have read 'why does he do that' which is fab but when you are presented with ongoing denial and the hand of friendship through co-parenting it can feel like the abuse and the shitty dynamics never end, only the outside world expects that you are 'fine'. I feel like I am going mad at times. It's a year since I kicked him out but deep down my recovery is still a way away. I wish you well get all the help you can for your recovery.

Bullies don't care about anyone other than themselves. In their world they are the Supreme Being who is right about everything, justified in everything and to blame for nothing. You're angry because you're expecting him to acknowledge or apologise for something which, if he had anything approaching a conscience, he wouldn't have done in the first place. People like that never say sorry or, if they do say sorry, they don't mean it. It's very frustrating.

The only way to deal with this is not to give him the opportunity to keep sticking the knife in. Talk to friends, counsellors or whatever it takes to get your feelings out and acknowledged, but don't engage with him at all. You won't get what you want.

Chances are he will remain in denial - IME (with EA bully) you are wasting your time trying to get him to engage on this level - he won't.

Detach from him - focus on detaching from him completely. Reading Lundy Bancroft really helped me with this.

Focus on yourself, practice detachment, continue to talk to your people.

It gets better.

Thank you for your replies. I keep coming back to discuss it on Mumsnet because I know some of you have been through the same/similar and that helps (even though I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!)

Thank you Handywoman Same to you. It's been 18 months for me - I have my good days and days were I relive things all over again. I was initially euphoric at ending the marriage and was doing ok for the first 6 - 8 months. I even tried to be amicable with EXH but he wasn't interested and continued to be vile to me. He started to see someone six months ago and it hit me hard not because I wanted to be with him, far from it - it just felt and still feels so unfair that I am the one left with all the bad feelings while he just moves on.

Thanks Cog and BeCool I have totally detached from him now. We don't communicate at all unless it's about the DC. I know I gave him the opportunity to carry on criticising me and bully me by responding to text messages/phone calls but I have cut that dead now. I actually saw him in Boots today, he is a stranger to me now.

I just find it so hard when I go and watch our DCs doing sports, etc. and he is there chatting and laughing with everyone. I often feel like the one on the outside and I feel like screaming 'you don't know him at all' but of course I have DCs to think about so would never do that. I just want these feelings of anger and frustration to go.

feels so unfair that I am the one left with all the bad feelings while he just moves on.
Oh I relate completely to this. And sometimes I still feel sad and find myself dwelling on questions beginning with Why? and What If, and If Only.
18 months here too - and the best tonic is to remind myself I AM HAPPY!!!

Yes BeCool ME TOO!! Just still not at that place where I want to be though - I thought I would be after 18 months - onwards and upwards!!