I've opened a big can of worms and don't know how to get the kid back on...

[SingleSock]

Some of you may remember my thread about setting up a FWB situation. When I envisioned this situation, I thought it would be a case of messaging when I wanted them to come over with little to no contact inbetween. I ended up meeting a guy through POF and we've met up and are arranging to meet up again.

This is all fine but he messages me quite a lot during the day and I've started to enjoy that element of it which was totally unexpected. In addition, I'm starting to think that a FWB is not something I want to do for long because it's making me feel a bit cheap.

Before all of this, I was adamant I didn't want a relationship but this has reminded me of how much fun it is to flirt etc. I'm starting to think ahead to what will happen when I end the FWB arrangement. I don't think I want a relationship still, but I don't want to go back to my boring life of work and kids . I'm kind of regretting opening myself up to this because aside from the lack of sex, I was perfectly happy on my own and very content with my life.

I'm worried that I'm going to feel like something is missing when it's all over but equally I don't think I'm ready to date. Has anyone else got experience of this? Should I maybe look into dating again or force myself to just get on with it until I do feel ready? I'm really confused.

Sorry - title should say 'lid' not 'kid'.

I would think if he is messaging you a lot during the day he actually wants more than a FWB arrangement? Perhaps he would like a relationship after all? He seems pretty keen don't you think?

I don't know your original post, but what to you is the key difference between dating and FWB?

I would say that FWB also contains "F" - it's not 'random stranger with benefits'. Sex will be better if you like the person, and if you like the sex you probably will get somewhat attached. That always includes the risk of feeling hurt/ disappointed (missing what you didn't miss before), but I'd separate that from feelings that may be less genuine and more about internalized societal judgement ('feeling a bit cheap').

When you say you don't want a relationship what specifically is it that you don't want - moving in together? Holidays together? spending more than x days/week together? meeting each others' friends/ parents? If so I'd be clear with him and be aware that what you want may change.

I have a little experience at the moment with having met someone that I hoped would turn into FWB but it's ended, (I'm in a polyamorous relationship so I do have a relationship with my long-term partner). I miss that person but I don't regret it.

Yes, Butterfly makes a good point. Provided his text messages are along the lines of "Hope you're enjoying this lovely weather" and "Looking forward to seeing you at the weekend" rather than "I can't wait to rip your knickers off" it seems as though this might be developing into something more. I hope it is - if that's what you want.

No, the messages are a mixture between 'hi, how's your day' to 'I want to rip your knickers off'. He definitely doesn't want a relationship with me, he's made that very clear as I have children. I'm totally fine with that. I do like him, he's a nice guy and the sex is really good but I'm not deluded enough to think this will develop further than a FWB. I also know that he's talking to other women and is still active on POF which is the bit where I feel a bit cheap but don't really feel like it's my place to say I want him to sleep with only me.

Why I don't want a relationship - I'm not sure really. I don't feel ready to trust a man with my heart just yet (H was a serial cheat for 12 years), I don't really have the confidence, I feel I have nothing to offer a partner, I'm scared of getting hurt. Aside from that, I'm really busy with work and the kids, I don't know where I'd fit a relationship in.

Also, my H has already said he will not allow me to live with another man whilst our children are under 18. I'm slightly uncomfortable with online dating too but know that I could never be with anyone in my small home town because of my H.

So it's basically fear that is holding me back .

I think FWB situation can be positive if it's on your terms and it's giving you confidence. If it's making you feel cheap then that's not so good.

Personally, and obviously this is your choice not mine, I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who was having other partners purely from the pov of sexual health.

I don't know why you think it's 'not your place to say it' that you want exclusivity - you sound like you're a servant who knows their place! If that's what you want from the deal, that's valid.

And I've no idea who your husband thinks he is telling you you can't live with anyone - it's none of his business! You can do whatever you like.

As regards the other stuff, perhaps you're more ready than you think?
You're dipping your toe into the dating pool again, and you're quite liking having someone around.

Perhaps my boundaries are skewed? I feel so out of practice with these things. I'm not even sure how online dating works? I assumed that anyone looking for something casual is looking for a FB? Is that generally right? When I look at profiles that say seeking a relationship, I feel like I'm not really able to offer that at the moment.

I don't even know what to write on my profile - it's so awkward and artificial and I HATE talking about myself. I also do not want my H to find out I'm using a dating site - he would make my life hell over it so I would have to keep it hidden and just approach guys. Can I do that? I don't even know if a guy will want me considering I have three children. It feels like a massive minefield!

My H is a whole other thread. He can't bear it that he's lost control of me. He swings wildly between begging me back and being really nasty but it's been almost a year since we separated and I don't think he really wanted me when he had me judging my the number of affairs he had .

Whatever you do about your FWB situation, sort out your ex. It's totally up to you what you do, not him if you're separated. You're in charge of your life not him.

I say just go with it and enjoy it. When/if it becomes to much hassle end it and move onto a relationship if you decide thats what you want.

You sound as if you know your own mind, this is what you wanted and it has the added benefit of the fact that you seem to have found a nice fella to be a FWB.

Its ok to enjoy it you know.

erm - your ex has no right to say who you can live with - you do realise he has no power over you don't you?

As for the FWB guy - if you are not happy then don't see him. Is not good if it is making you feel used is it?

And for the record you have plenty to offer the right person.

Have you done the Freedom Programme btw?

I don't think it's a question of how online dating works, but how you work. Different people are looking for different things.

It's perfectly fine to say you want an exclusive FWB setup. If you want to keep it hidden from your husband that's up to you, but what you get up is none of his concern.

It was very obvious from what you said about living with someone that your husband was/is very controlling. It sounds like he wanted to control you and shag whoever he wanted. I second trying the Freedom programme. It would help with your ex and also perhaps want you want going forward.

Thanks everyone. I guess I'm not used to being able to have an opinion or say over what happens to me in a relationship setting. I had completely forgotten what it's like to be around a nice guy so this has all taken me by surprise. H cheated so often that I almost numbed myself to feeling much because it was excruciatingly painful when I'd catch him out. I think I'm scared to feel again and open myself up to the possibility of being hurt like that again.

I know I should just enjoy it for what it is but there are elements I don't like so much. I like it when he's messaging me, but not so much when he doesn't. I'm trying to be cool about it but I start thinking that he's messaging another woman (which I think he's entitled to do) and she will be better than me. I have 0 self esteem. I was never enough for my H, I can't believe I'll be enough for anyone else either.

I've not done the Freedom Programme. How to I access that please?

either in person with Women's Aid or online for free here

Your H was unfaithful because of him not you. It doesn't actually mean a thing about you and definitely nothing about your innate loveability or worth. Don't let him take that away from you. You sound like a lovely person who has been battered a bit. You've done well by getting away fromthus man and it's time for you now! There are lots of lovely men out there, have some fun, flirt, date, do whatever you need to do to rebuild your self esteem. Good luck!

"Also, my H has already said he will not allow me to live with another man whilst our children are under 18."

Uhm, what the what?

None of his business. See who you damn well please.

As for the FWB, if you don't like the thought of him seeing other women, if it makes you feel cheap, then end it, or ask him if he would be willing to be exclusive. Up to him whether he says yes or no to that.

All relationships come with the prospect of getting hurt, but it may indeed be too soon for you. And that's fine, if time alone to heal is what you need.

I do think you need to get used to doing what you want, because you want it, to fully become your own woman out from under your ex's control. He has no say in how you lead your life - none.

I would say whatever you decide, try to work on your self esteem in relationship contexts.

FWB is also a type of relationship, just more casual. It's just as important in a FWB (or even more casual) situation to have the confidence to say what you want. The potential for hurt is there, and the potential for STDs is there. Ideally you are in the 'driving seat' and take risks that are worth it for you.

I see a red flag in that you think you're not in a place to ask him not to sleep with others. It sounds a bit like your pain from your ex cheating has led you to a strategy where cheating is not possible because by definition you have no expectations. I think you deserve to have a better attitude.

You do have a right to say no if you are not happy with the details that actually happen, regardless of definition/ which boxes someone ticked on POF. The boxes are crude and require negotiation. You should ask questions and expect honest answers to things that matter to you.

Also keep in mind guys on there may be in an equally ambivalent situation as you - they know they want to have sex and it may or may not develop into something more.

Good luck!

hmmm, not sure that FWB is the best path to take for someone with low self esteem.........

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I met up with him again but he has gone quiet after I suggested meeting again so I will take it that he has decided he doesn't want to continue. I'm actually feeling ok about that although wondering if I did something to put him off?

I don't regret it at all but now wondering what I should do next. I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship and not sure about dating especially OLD. Whilst the sex was really good with this guy and he seemed nice enough, conversation was quite awkward and we had little in common so it's kind of putting me off meeting anyone else in case it's the same.

I wouldn't mind another FB but I can't be arsed with the awkward conversation stuff and the trying to find someone suitable . I think I was quite lucky to find someone who was so nice about it all and worry I'll bag a dud next time.

Tbh, if you say your self esteem is low, I'd knock the FWB on the head for now. It's very easy for that to affect your confidence - feeling good enough for a shag, but nothing more... It can get to you. I'm not against FWB - just think it's safer to come at it from a more secure place than you sound like you're in.
It's hard to get a match really - for me, FWB that works for me isn't the other person getting sex whenever and with whoever they like. It's still a monogamous situation, but one that can be ended any time and isn't expected to go anywhere.

As for your ex... Well done for getting out! Freedom! Look, he's being an arse to you now. If he finds out you're online dating, yeah he'll be an arsehole - but if it wasn't that, it'd be something else! So you may as well ignore his crap over something GOOD than ignore it over other stuff :)

Thanks Cabrinha.

Surprisingly, this FWB has actually really helped my confidence. He was very sweet and understanding and has reminded me that not all guys are dicks. This was not something I expected to happen but I do feel somewhat desirable again despite the fact that he's ended it without explanation. I am wondering what has prompted him to stop contacting me but I haven't internalised it and I'm not upset in any way.

My dilemma is still the same though - I don't want to go without sex but I don't have time for a relationship. I'm also struggling to know what to put on my OLD profile as well as being generally confused about what it is I'm looking for .