I've just told my Dad to leave my Mum

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My parents are in their mid-60s and have had a rocky marriage, full of rows and little respect. My Dad is v v v intolerant and judgemental and has heaped emotional abuse on her for years. Mum is a bit scatty and imprecise and drives him quite mad.

This week, a row about which route they should take to drive to a funeral (DM questioned his decision) degenerated into a slanging match. Mum drove off, stayed in a Travel Lodge then came to stay a couple of nights with us before going to the funeral by herself. She intends to go back to the "dragon" today and continue as before.

I picked up the phone to speak to Dad this morning. I didn't want him to be all defensive and angry with DM for getting the family to side with her. I just said I knew there had been a row and how was he? He said it was just one of their regular rows and she would be home soon.

He was horrible about her, suggesting she has early Alzheimers, that she is stupid and obstructive. And that they would continue as before. He says there's no point in divorcing because the lawyers would take all the money.

FWIW they live in a beautiful enormous house and have a fab lifestyle (sailing, lots of friends), and my brother's wedding celebrations take place there in September.

But when Dad said there was no point in Relate because of her "lies" (i.e. disagreements) and he felt nothing but contempt for her, I just said he had to leave.

Their relationship crackles with dislike, Mum is always walking on eggshells, and their rows are getting more shouty and abusive. I'm properly afraid one of them is going to stick a knife in the other one day.

So I told him if he could find nothing good to say about his wife and had no respect for her, he needed to leave the house (bought with her inherited money) and find a way to separate. He coldly said thank you for my advice and put the phone down.

But DM is driving home for a conciliation. She doesn't want to get old alone and has put up with him all this time to ensure that doesn't happen.

I've screwed up, haven't I?

Sorry that was so long. Needed to get it off my chest.

Can't call my brother and send him into a tizz about his nuptials, when M and D might patch things up (again).

Take it all with a pinch of salt. Both of them will care more about the money and position than their personal happiness or they'd have split long ago. Sigh and move on.

Oh dear, well it's family so I think you have every right to say your piece. However you best be quite candid with your mummy now so she is not walking in blind.

Perhaps call your dad and say that you stand by what you say but understandably it is not really any of your business but you're worried about both if them?

For goodness sake don't do it again!

I know how frustrating it can be but it's up to your parents to work things out for themselves, one way or another.

If you get forceful, you risk being the bad guy despite your best intentions.

Oh thank you for replies.

I'll try and text Mum in case she stops at a service station on her way home.

And then resolve never, ever to get involved in the nuts and bolts of their relationship again. (poor mum)

I know how you feel. My parents are very similar with the added difficulty of my dad suffering from depression. Twice in the last year they have had big rows and one of them has gone off and not spoken to the other for days. Personally I think they would be better off apart and have told each of them that on seperate occasions. However, they are still together and it I have no real idea what their relationship is like at the moment. I am left feeling a little akward because they both know how I feel. It was recently their wedding anniversary and I had no idea whether to wish them happy anniversary or not! I've now decided to keep out of it as much as possible.

This sounds like my grandparents.

They never split up and we never knew why as they hated one another and weren't shy about telling everyone!

He died of a heart attack after they had a huge argument one morning it was terrible, but a long time coming.

Absolutely nothing anyone did say or could have said would have sorted them out. You're wasting your time and only putting yourself in the firing line. My mum did exactly the same thing numerous times and gave up in the end, as they obviously both had their reasons for staying.

Keep well out of it OP.

Can i just say i love the line, "their relationship crackles with dislike" - describes my parents' relationship perfectly. I did the same once - told my Dad he could leave and live separately as my mother is constantly verbally and emotionally abusive, and Dad told me he was thinking of suicide to get out. Dad saying they should never have married. I broached Mum's behaviour with her so that Dad wouldn't have to do it all on his own. They went to two counselling sessions and then Mum refused to go to any more.

Dad then changed his mind and decided to stay. Meh. Their problem. They'll get over it. I have little patience or time for their shit now.

Thanks for the advice.

I've emailed my dad to apologise for weighing in, and texted my mum to warn her we've spoken.

So sad they make each other so wretched. Anyone else had parents who separated in their 60s with happy results?

I suspect my dad would become v introverted and sad, and mum might just thrive … But our family would be torn apart.

It's interesting peacoat. My parents went to Relate in the 1990s, and the counsellor told my mum she should leave. Dad spilled out his reasons for hating my mum and I think he expected sympathy…. (no insight!). He refused to do more when the counsellor didn't agree that he was a generous long-suffering husband.

I think you're fine to say that OP. In a way it's good that you have enough dialogue between you all that you could vent your frustrations, and also I think your advice to him was sound. A friend's parents separated in their 60s and both quickly found new partners. However it did weirdly catalyse lots of other divorces in the family!

Otoh, my DHs parents are utterly toxic and miserable, mutually abusive old bags -- and recently celebrated a significant anniversary. I've never said this to anyone before, but I hope your parents break up.

I suspect that's exactly what happened with my mother at counselling. She is convinced she is the generous long-suffering spouse. Can't see a problem with her behaviour at all.

I actually do wish they'd split up. I think they'd both be happier. Well, Dad would be. Mum doesn't like to be happy.

Re family being torn apart: do you really think that? I think our family was irreparably damaged by their dislike of each other as we all grew up. It permeated the house and affected us all, still does.

Oddly, we're all happiest when we're all together. And their house is big enough to get lots of us in. All the grandchildren romp happily in the garden, barbecues get lit, prosecco flows - it's idyllic.

But that only happens a couple of weeks a year - it must be torture to be in that house the rest of the time.

You're right, "torn apart" is overly dramatic. But they've been such a strong presence in all our lives. Neither of them are English and we've moved around a lot, so we're tightly bonded despite the rows.

Do you have little children? Why not rope one of them into being part-time childminder? They come and stay at yours and save you on nursery costs, and get some time away from the other one and also end up with lots of nice stories to take home?

And for you all. Feel less panicky and teary now, you've all helped very much.

I'd forget about your Dad. Of course he's not going to give up his nice life. I think you can only work on your Mum really. It sounds like she hasn't been ground down enough that she has no self esteem left (good on her, for finding a hotel and going to the funeral on her own). If you think she would be the one happier leaving, then just keep pointing out how unreasonable your Dad is, everytime. Keep the door open for her to talk to you and confide in you and keep asking how he is being. I doubt she will get her head around it before your DB's wedding, but it sounds like she maybe just needs some support. If she still chooses to live her life that way, well it's her life.

rosepetalsoup re childminders - we're almost 4 hours from them here. I do say they should use us as a bolt-hole, esp now we have a spare room.

Dad screwed up a bit last time we asked them to babysit, 2 years ago, when he criticised every aspect of our house afterwards and implied it was so cold it amounted to "neglect" of the kids. Ridiculous - he's just used to the warmer south where he has the heating turned up to max.

But it's a good idea. I can cope with a couple of days of my dad if my husband'll agree. The children adore him! Curiously Mum is v hands off with all the grandchildren, but she had three of us and was a brilliant mum so I forgive her.

I don't see why you apologised to your dad. What you said to him sounded totally just and deserved. He sounds like a total dick that needs someone to stand up to him.

I would probably cut my dad out of my life if he treated my mother like this, whilst still being there for my mum. That sort of behaviour shouldn't be condoned just because it isn't your relationship.