Helping friend leave abusive partner.

[JulyJones]

Have name changed. (didn't give it much thought - sorry!)

To cut a long story short.

Friend (colleague) texted me last night to say she was being hit and hurt.

I went round. DH stayed in car out side. When she opened the door I quietly told her to get her son, get in my car and I would take her to her mums. She said she couldn't, and held back her her to show her injury without saying anything. I said if she didn't get in my car I would call the police. Her partner then interjected, and I told him to leave her. We had "words". I was very assertive and told him to get out or I would call the police. My friend very calmly and quietly asked him to leave, as she wanted some space.

He left, taking all his clothes with him.

As he was leaving he purposely (I'm pretty sure, or he could just have been very angry, and driving very badly ) drove into the back of DH's car. He said "Sorry about that", while laughing, "It's on her insurance."

I went into the house with friend, who told me he has been abusive not only to her, but her 4yo . DH reported car incident to the police over phone and they want him to go in and give a statement. Friend said is going to cancel insurance asap - her partner has no means of paying for anything, and had no where to stay last night.

I know, from text from other friend he went back round later that evening, but don't know if she let him.

I now have a DH angry about his car. DH thinks friend will be angry with me for throwing her partner out. I am shaken up that I was so assertive than I thew a grown man out of his house.

I work with friend, several colleagues know the situation.

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Any advice welcome.

The problem you have here is that your friend only wanted help on her terms. She didn't want the partner to leave, she didn't want to go to her Mum's and she didn't want the police involved. What you should really have done (and this is not a criticism of you in any way ) was to call the police as soon as you got the text saying she was being assaulted rather than trying to tackle a violent man yourself. That would have been a better outcome for your friend as it would have put her attacker on the radar, as it were.

She may now choose to isolate herself if she has let the man back in the home - your DH is right. Abused women often find it very difficult to leave and have to make several attempts. However, given that you had a direct report of him attacking the child, you would be within your rights to contact the Child Protection Unit locally and tell them the situation. I had to do something similar recently for a child and action was taken.

I also think she may not open up to me now, so will play it very carefully.

I certainly will call police now if a similar situation arises with her. TBH, when we were driving over, DH and I were wondering if she was being over dramatic, and maybe attention seeking, as she has told me in the past she can be.

I now know she wasn't exaggerating at all.

I told her very straight last night she MUST NOT take him back, and is much better off without him. (Financially he sponges off her, as she earns a decent wage, while he hardly earns anything, and generally drains her emotionally).

I'm so shaken by the fact that I threw a grown man out of his house, I won't be doing that again in a hurry.

I also have a very grumpy DH about his car.

Please report the whole thing to the police - if she takes him back and doesn't report it herself I can understand why you wouldn't want to - but you need to in order to protect the 4 year old.

When you report domestic violence the police will have to speak to her and you as you were a witness to his aggressive behaviour and it should trigger a referal to ss to be aware in this case - I'm not trying to scare you but someone needs to protect the child- and it is better for them that they are on the radar than seriously injured by him next time.

The child protection issue overrides any feeling of not reporting because your friend might not want to.

Yes, please report the attack on the child to the NSPCC or Child Protection Unit immediately. Your friend has a choice whether to stick around for more abuse, but her child is being victimised, has no say and no-one to stick up for her.

Absolutely report the incident to the police.
And definitely get that child protected.

I'm more concerned about the boy. In what way is the boy being abused?

Have you reported this to the police and social services?
You have evidence that she has been assaulted (she doesn't need to press charges herself) and you have been informed that a 4 year old child has been hurt. You must call the police and social services today. If she's not able to take steps to protect her child you need to take it out of her hands I'm afraid.

You have a duty to act on behalf of the child. It's not a question of waiting to see what he does to her next. And frankly the next thing he might do to her is kill her. Is this really worth the risk to preserve some sense of social nicety?