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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

contacting my abusive ex

17 replies

MissLoveHearts · 02/07/2014 22:20

I am debating whether to contact my physically abusive ex. I left him 10 years ago but I recently watched "murdered by my boyfriend" and all those feelings I thought had left returned. I feel angry I let someone control and hurt me the way he did.
I now have a lovely partner and two gorgeous kids. My life is so happy and it took my partner a long time helping me gain confidence, weight etc to get over my traumatic ordeal.
After watching the programme i feel like writing him a letter and telling him exactly how awful his behaviour was. I know he has a daughter now and i wonder how he would feel if a man treated her that way. Am i being irrational or could this be therapeutic. Only two years ago have I just stopped having really bad dreams about what he used to do to me. I had one the other night for the first time in ages and it made me so angry.

OP posts:
PajamaQueen · 02/07/2014 22:40

It could be therapeutic for you but it could also open a huge can of worms and leave you open to a barrage of abuse from him again.

Personally I'd stay NC. However, you could write him a letter but for your eyes only - as you say it may be therapeutic and help with getting all those emotions out on paper.

Original poster
MissLoveHearts · 02/07/2014 23:11

Yes but i think he should know how i feel. He could never get inside my head again. I was 19 when I met him... left him at 24. I am now a 34 yr old woman... my strength mentally 10 fold

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 02/07/2014 23:40

Hi op

I understand you want to fight back now because you feel strong enough to do so, but you seem from your post to have been triggered and this has brought up the angry feelings.

The thing about wanting to let him know is understandable, but can quickly turn to pain and frustration if he was to let's say verbally flip you off, character assassinate and insult you. I get the feeling you want to tell him like it is and then walk away satisfied, this rarely works because you cannot control his reaction to it.

If he comes back at you can you in all honesty handle it? Can you walk away and not want to retaliate or write another letter? Can you guarantee you wont be right back where you started.

Write the letter then burn it, then go and talk to someone about what happened, you've had your say in away you got away and made a success of your next relationship. Please don't allow him to see a chink in your armour and ruin it again for you. Thanks

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2014 23:46

Don't contact him. All this will do is distress you further. He will either completely ignore you, or get in touch in order to abuse you once again.

He doesn't care how you feel. He never did. That's why you did the right thing in leaving him. There is no way to bring home to an abuser how bad his behaviour was, and how disgusting and pathetic he is and has been.

As someone else said, write the letter by all means - then burn it or tear it up as a way of banishing the useless shitbag from your mind and your life forever.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/07/2014 00:38

don't contact. youdo not want ot risk all the negatives again.

libidogo · 03/07/2014 06:25

I can relate to how you feel. That programme has brought up a lot of painful feelings for me too and no doubt lots of other women. I found it deeply disturbing. However I think that the only person to suffer if you make contact is you. Abusive men will never get it. He will either brush you off or come back at you. Neither of which is helpful to you. Your new happy life is the ultimate revenge! Please give it some time and I'm sure these feelings will settle and you can get on with your lovely life!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2014 07:10

Bullies get satisfaction from knowing they have hurt their victim. He knew he was hurting you at the time and a letter now would simply confirm it. If you are expecting an acknowledgement or an apology I think that would be a slim hope. More likely you'd get excuses in response or some kind of attempt to deflect the blame.

It sounds as though you haven't properly dealt with your actions and feelings around that relationship however. You're clearly angry at yourself for putting up with it and that's a very common reaction. The TV programme will have triggered suppressed memories and possibly made you see things differently.

Writing it down and destroying the letter could be therapeutic as could talking to someone about what happened and working through not only his motives for the abuse but the reasons why you didn't call time earlier. You can start that process here, talk to a friend or seek counselling.

Hissy · 03/07/2014 07:41

What they all said, it'd be a terrible idea.

Have you done any therapy/freedom programme etc?

If you haven't, please know that you won't heal from the abuse, only bury it. Sooner a or later it'll come out again.

Like it is now. Take charge of the past, your feelings and thoughts. Deal with it now, when your happy and safe and you'll never have to deal with it again,

Bury it now, and it'll stay unresolved and could come back again to haunt you.

You're going to be alright, but it's time for you to process what was done to you.

Write the letter, go scream it from a hilltop if that helps, but never, ever, ever contact your abuser again.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2014 07:48

I wouldn't

You already have the ultimate vindication...a happy life and a clear conscience

He will never be truly happy if he has to treat a woman badly to get his kicks and he probably doesn't have a conscience so pointless trying to appeal to it

Butterflyspring · 03/07/2014 09:11

I wouldn't either - even if he apologised profusely and admitted he was wrong and is now a changed person, it wouldn't change the awful way he treated you would it.

Sorry the programme upset you.

Original poster
MissLoveHearts · 03/07/2014 14:48

I am worried about the response i will get. He knew i was pregnant again when i had my son which i thought was strange. A mutual friend told me and they didnt even know i was pregnant. I guess he is still keeping tabs on me?

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/07/2014 15:06

yup. Stay the fuck away from him.

he always thought he owned you, so why change the habit of a life time.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/07/2014 15:23

Then getting in touch with him will definitely have negative consequences for you. Write him out of your life, completely. If he attempts to make any contact with you, it might be worth having a word with the police...

Lovingfreedom · 03/07/2014 15:27

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing/thinking he still gets to you...better to ignore him.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 03/07/2014 15:31

And if you anger him because he is still perhaps the same nasty fucker you were with.... who do you think he'll take it out on.... you? No, because you're not there. His current partner? His daughter? Are you able to live with yourself because you poke the wasps nest and they get stung??

Original poster
MissLoveHearts · 03/07/2014 16:44

Very valid point..i woukdnt wish it on anyone. I think i will just let my feelings subside

OP posts:
Meglet · 03/07/2014 16:55

God no. Don't waste a second on him.

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