Friend keeps making out that I'm not good enough

[primarkprincess]

Sorry for title, I couldn't think of how else to word it...

Basically someone that is supposed to be a close friend always seems to look down on me a bit, as if I'm a bit simple, or as if I'm not as good as other people.

For example, whenever I've done something such as colour my hair, or worn something new, she'll make a big loud thing of it "wooo, look at YOU", but with a big smirk on her face as if she is thinking "oh bless her, she tries". She also makes a lot of backhanded compliments towards me and little digs, as if I'm not as pretty/good/clever as others. A group of us went out for a meal about 2 weeks ago. Friend was a bit late, and when she arrived she went on and on about what I was wearing and even tried to get me to stand up at the table in front of 4 others to 'show' her what I was wearing. She then made a couple of jokes at my expense during the evening and when I'd finished eating she kept going on and on about how I should eat more of my meal, even though it was massive and I was full! I found it embarrassing and felt very uncomfortable!

She can never ever give me a compliment or say anything nice about me at all; she will only say something if it is either a backhanded compliment or a criticism, for example pointing out that my mascara has run, or that I have lipstick on my teeth or where my hairdresser has dyed my scalp a tiny bit. She is always very gushy about others, saying how pretty/amazing/what a nice figure they have, yet can never say anything nice about or to me. She always goes on and on about others' great figures and outfits, and then always tries to get me to agree.

It is difficult as I met her through my DD, and our DDs are friends, so obviously I don't want to fall out. I dread bumping into her on the school run though as she'll either pick fault with me or be all patronising and "Oooh what get up have you got on today then?".

Any tips on dealing with her?

Sorry, not really got any advice but your post has just made me recall my own school days when I had a whole group of girls (3 or 4) who used to do the exact same thing to me.

Only saw them in English lessons. But I used to dread them because I knew they would try and loudly embarrass me in front of the whole class or point out that my hair looked weird or laugh hysterically at something perfectly ordinary that I said.

I didn't retaliate but just ignored them and actually, they stopped doing it eventually.

She sounds like an emotional vampire!

Or you could just say "that remark says far more about you than it does about me"

Thanks everyone :)

When she says the comments about the mascara or lipstick, she'll comment and then sometimes I'll find that it hasn't run or there's no lipstick on my teeth. It's like she goes over me with a magnifying glass to find something - anything - to criticise

Or you could just be upfront with her and just say "why do you feel you have to criticize everything I wear?"

She isn't a friend, she is a vampire who sucks away all your self confidence.

It's like she treats you as a child. If she says "ohh look at you blah blah" just act dumb and say "how do you mean". Or say " whats that supposed to mean".

Practice saying things to her in your head. Then be strong and say them to her once she starts being a patronising pita

God, she is a cow. Honestly I would make a wierd face at everything she says. Then when she asks about what you're wearing say something dismissive like you are bored of the conversation and change the subject. 'What am I wearing? Why do you ask?'

Just treat her like the imbecile that she is, be firm with her and assert yourself when she is rude. Talk down to her in your retorts like she talks down to you. The cow !

Send her a link to this thread.

Or say to her "why do you feel so bad about yourself that you have to make comments to belittle other people?"

Edge away from this woman.

I had a 'friend' like this. She knocked at my already low self esteem. She liked to remind that she was more sought after/intelligent/funny than me. People loved her and she played on it.

I put up with it for years. The friendship fizzled out and I do not regret it.

We were at school together. She witnessed me being bullied and did not like that I was coming into my own. It would have been to her advantage for me to stay as the awkward/geeky friend that knew my place.

She is without doubt an emotional drain.

She gets some comfort from making others feel as low as she does. That somebody is you. Because you are too polite to snap back.

She won't just stop. You will need to either cut all contact, including seeing her in a group. Or next time she says anything simply say "Your comments about my general appearance have become quite tiresome. Time to stop embarrassing yourself now dearie, everyone notices but we are all far too polite to say something. Lets just leave it there".

If she persists you simply say "What part of shut up do you not understand?"

She's not a friend and she is sapping your confidence. Either you drop her and cut her out or you have to show her that what she is doing is wrong. Unless she is a hippo (thick skinned) I can recommend a hurt look and a bewildered "Oh God, don't say that. Why are you saying that? Is it because you're jealous of me or something?" Or you could affect a quizzical, slightly embarrassed look and just change the subject very obviously by asking another mum where she is going on holiday, etc etc.

I think what she is doing gives her a false sense of superiority. She is trying to boost her own ego by shattering your confidence which is playground behaviour. You are better off without her in your life....

I like Bunbaker's retort. Very cool.

What everyone else has said ^ , especially Bunbaker and Quitelikely She sounds absolutely horrible - and yes, probably insecure and jealous as hell of you - and,basically, hasn't grown out of being an unpleasant immature thirteen year old. Pity she's in the group you are involved with - you could try responding with a weary-sounding 'Really?^' when she starts on you, then turn away and begin to talk to someone else.

If you don't feel up to saying something every time, just look at her - maintain full, slightly disdainful eye contact - for just a beat longer than normal, and then pointedly turn away. She'll know you have heard her and that you are making a decision not to respond.

Nasty! Have been there. my coping strategy is to avoid! There are sooooo many women like this, I do not have think skin at all. So I am just as jolly as possible, and spend as little time as humanly possible with these sort of people, the nice people come to me. I guess as your DDS are friends I would just be business like about their arrangements, rather than friendly.

If she asks you to stand up for e.g. I would just say 'no, too tired, don't worry I'll text you where I got my outfit from later' with a straigh face, then turn and carry on talking to someone else.

Play dumb. Take what she says at face value. When she laughs at something you say laugh along with her, like she's joking. If she does something too mad do the 'are you ok?' with a head tilt. Act generally as though she's a bit mad and you have to humour her. Sounds awful!

The lipstick thing reminds me of a thread recently where a bloke used to say that kind of thing to his DP for no reason. It's abusive.

Another trick you can do is ask her to repeat what she's said (eg. 'sorry, what did you just say?') If you can feign slight irritation that she's not speaking clearly enough, all the better. When she repeats it'll sound more hollow than the last time. Then you can do a disinterested 'Oh...'/head-tilt/change the subject, etc.

Good luck. I hate these kind of sad women.

Oh god I was in the same situation a few years ago. The women was an utter cow but always veiled with a sucky smile like she was trying to help me.

It really did get to me at first until another friend pointed out it said far more about her than me. I practised a very effective pity smile and turn away for everytime she spouted her crap. She eventually drifted away from the group thank goodness but I did get very good at ignoring her.

Unfortunately any reaction feeds this type of person.

The next time she criticises you, say very clearly so it is heard by everyone at the table "Did you mean to be so rude?" Tilt your head a bit, and wait patiently for her to answer.

Get her a £5 voucher and be very gracious when you tell her its to update her wardrobe, seeing as she has so much interest in what you are wearing perhaps she would like to "get herself something (pause, look her up and down, then look dead in the eye) nice."

Then avoid all contact that isn't DD related!

I'm sure I work with this woman!! Exactly the same - everyone thinks she's sooo funny but she's a bitch to me! Always making snide comments and doing the 'Ooo look at you!' thing when I walk in. She even announced to everyone I was bulimic (I'm not) because how else could I be so skinny! I'm trying some of those cool comebacks.....

Whenever she makes a remark, just look at her, questioningly, for a moment, then turn to speak to someone else.

tigerlily: If she accuses you of being bulimic again, just look at her, small pause and say "well, you're obviously not, so how would you know?"

Harsh but why not?

I had a 'friend' like this, I knew it was down to her lack of self confidence and self esteem and I figured over time she would realise how daft she was being (and that the CBT therapy would help!) but after 18 months it was like a competition, constant nasty comments veiled as 'jokes' until one day I realised that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore and that a real friend would be kind and supportive-as I was to her.

I told her straight, giving her the opportunity to make amends, she cried, foot stamped and gave me the woe is me I hate myself routine- which I already knew by her actions!. We haven't spoken since but its really no loss. Shes bitter twisted and green with envy and its a sad way to live. Move on before she brings you down.