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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stag Do ideas and advice?

26 replies

kaykayblue · 02/07/2014 14:22

Hey ladies,

We are getting married in the medium term future, and I'm after some advice regarding the stag do.

To try and be brief, I have absolutely zero tolerance of strip clubs or anything related to the sex industry - I used to work with victims of sex trafficking, have a friend who used to work as a stripper (in a "reputable" club) who had some terrible experiences, and as a consequence these places go against every principle that I hold.

My partner has known all this since he met me and completely respects my views (even if he finds them a little bonkers). The problem is I think my views on this is a bit of a joke to his friends (in a non malicious way), and I worry a little that they would think it funny to put him in a really awkward position.

Fiancé isn't sure how to approach it either - if he says something to them, he thinks they might be even more inclined to do something as a 'joke', but if he doesn't say anything, then it's a bit hit and miss. We were thinking he could suggest some ideas of things he'd like to do, which would categorically rule out strip clubs, but the only stuff we've found online has had a very...er...bizarrely religious undertone.

Does anyone have any ideas on cool shit to suggest (he's always wanted to go bungee jumping, but isn't sure if that's stag appropriate), or alternatively how we could broach it with his friends?

On a sliding scale, if they ended up in a strip club I would be fucking pissed off, and probably make sure that their table got nothing but vinegar to drink at the wedding in revenge, but if there was a lap dance involved I would seriously consider calling off the wedding, as that crosses a line of buying a woman as some kind of object for gratification.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 02/07/2014 14:27

I don't think you can force your views upon a group of men or expect them to adopt them on your behalf. You can get dh to explain your stance to them. If it fails ask him to politely remove himself from the situation if it arises during the stag.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 14:28

Hi kay

I also have zero tolerance to this stuff and my H knows I would end our relationship if he participated in it

I think you cannot micro manage either him or his friends though, tbh

Make your position absolutely clear and leave them to it

Your fiance (unless bound and gagged) is not impelled to go along with anything. He can get up and walk out if something is "planned" for him or he can refuse to walk over a threshold

he has free will and unless he chooses his mates very unwisely then it should cause no ill will among them

Bearwantsmore · 02/07/2014 14:30

Er... I would say that this is a situation for your fiancé to manage, not you.

My DH hates the idea of strip clubs so guess what, when his closest friends were planning his stag do they didn't plan to visit any. Otherwise I doubt he would have counted them as "friends"!

So I would suggest that your fiancé makes his views clear to his friends. If he doesn't think that will make any difference then perhaps he should find a more mature, considerate, group of friends!

AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 14:31

btw, it's a long time since my H went on a "stag" but he still does lads weekends on a yearly basis

they go golfing, clay pigeon shooting, drink a lot and generally go large

but as far as I know it is not compulsory that the sex industry is involved in any of it

I think many (decent) men are grateful not to have to negotiate this kinda shit and would welcome someone taking a proper stance against it

ScarlettDragon · 02/07/2014 14:31

This is all down to your DH. He does have a choice. If they decide to get a stripper/go to a strip club then he can just walk away. They can't force him to participate. The question is, is he big enough to say no to them and walk away? If he is, then you marry him, if he isn't then you don't. (I'd be exactly the same as you btw, I'd see it as cheating).

runningonwillpower · 02/07/2014 14:33

Don't you usually choose your friends because they are like-minded?

My son's stag do consisted of go-kart racing and a bit of pubbing. OK, a lot of pubbing.

They all seemed happy with that.

Deftones · 02/07/2014 14:35

I have strong views on such things, my fiance shares those views, he hates all that stuff. He had his stag do last Saturday, he spent the afternoon in the pub with loads of his mates and then went for a curry.

His friends also know his stance, they also know mine and feel sorry for him haha, however DP would point blank refuse to do anything against his morals or beliefs hence my saying yes Grin

Idontseeanyicegiants · 02/07/2014 14:39

The ones DH has been to have been the races, go karting and many, many pubs. His own was a races outing followed by every pub between here and the racecourse as far as I could gather. The blokes in our group of friends don't do the strip club thing, it's just not what they like. We're all older though - late 30's and early 40's so maybe it's an age thing.

ApplebyMennym · 02/07/2014 14:45

Both myself and my husband are very anti strippers. For his stag do he went out to see a film and then for dinner and drinks. On others mates occasions there has been go karting, paintballing and camping.

kaykayblue · 02/07/2014 14:47

Hey guys, thanks for the views so far.

I'm honestly not trying to micro manage his party - he actually asked me for ideas as to how he could approach it. Whilst I don't want to interfere I also don't want to just say "well that's your problem". At the end of the day, he is trying to figure out a way to be respectful of my views, so it's only fair that I try to help.

I'm not trying to force my views on his friends - what they do in their spare time is their choice and I don't really give two shits. But when they are throwing a party for my partner and it could a problem in our relationship then it becomes at least partially my business.

Whilst he could simply walk away from any bad situations, I would never want to be put in that situation, so obviously don't want him to be either. It's awkward for everyone.

We are quite a young couple, and he is the first in his friends to settle down, so that is a contributing factor.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 02/07/2014 14:48

Paintballing would be an awesome idea. They all love running around and being competitive! Plus I know that none of them have done it in years.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 02/07/2014 15:26

Can he arrange his own stag? tell them to meet at X station at X time on the day so they don't know where they will be. Alternatively something in the countryside staying in a youth hostel or camping will make arranging strip clubs a lot harder.

kaykayblue · 02/07/2014 18:37

Yeah, he was toying with the idea of arranging something himself - he actually really hates surprises, and detests not knowing what's happening and just having to follow other people, so he might actually prefer organising himself to be honest.

The idea of him enjoying something that he's had no say in seems pretty unrealistic...

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 02/07/2014 18:42

Zip wire. That huge one in Wales you go down head first on.

And not just because I want to do it.

I actually agree with other people about it being on him, but couldn't resist the suggestion...

mosaicone · 02/07/2014 18:46

I actually ended up really angry with bf when I invented a hypothetical strip club stag do situation I drunkenly ended up ranting about him having daughters and being happy to tell them where he'd been or be ok with them doing it. I seriously went to town but I had to make my point because, if he was the kind of man that went to these places, he wouldn't be my kind of man iyswim....

mosaicone · 02/07/2014 18:47

THE ZIP WIRE DEFINITELY!

AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 18:50

white water rafting ?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/07/2014 18:59

Camping
Festival
Zip line
Go kart
Day out at Silverstone
Golf
Paintball
Fancy dinner
Wine tasting
Beer tasting
Pub crawl
scavenger hunt
Horse races
Cricket
Football match
Cigar bar

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/07/2014 19:01

HOW COULD I FORGET WHITE WATER RAFTING!!!!

TheAwfulDaughter · 02/07/2014 19:02

This reply has been deleted

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wafflyversatile · 02/07/2014 20:44

They might though because in some people's heads IT'S WHAT YOU DO ON A STAG NIGHT. RA RA RA.

Golferman · 03/07/2014 07:13

Last year when my son got married we went paintbalking, a few pubs and dinner then finished off in casino.

Golferman · 03/07/2014 07:14

*paintballing

kaykayblue · 03/07/2014 08:57

Thanks all! I'll pass on some of these ideas, then he can decide whether he wants to say something, organise it himself, etc.

OP posts:
ShergarAndSpies · 03/07/2014 09:13

I think his best bet would be to have a serious discussion with his best man when they are alone about what he wants / doesn't want for his stag - eg budget / drinking / activities / strippers etc.

Then best man organises it and it can be his job to say to any over-enthusiastic attendees 'nah mate, no strippers, Bob's not into that kind of thing'.

Much better to have someone else say no on his behalf and he can then back that up if needs be and also better to agree with one person (best man) without a group of lads getting excited and egging each other on.

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