Better on my own

[Celestria]

I have had five serious relationships and they were all disasters. Including my marriage of eight years. They always seem to follow the same pattern. Things get heavy fast. Proposals and horrible breakups.

I'm starting to think I'm not very good at relationships. When I am on my own I am super organised my house is cleaned to within an inch of it's life and I socialise a lot more. When I am in a relationship the person seems to take over my life and I change into some submissive aim to please type person that prioritises them over everything else. I don't know why I do it. If it's the blokes I pick or something in me or a combination of both.

Anyways I am three days out of a short but intense and disastrous relationship of eleven months and I have had enough. Relationships just don't work out with me and never have. I'm tired of trying in all honesty.

So I'm thinking of hanging up my relationship shoes and just plodding on happily on my lonesome with my lovely children and crazy cat.

Since I broke up with him my friends and family keep saying don't worry you will meet someone else etc etc. oh good I can't wait

I guess I'm starting to think the whole love relationship thing is very overrated. Or am I just cynical and bitter?!

Is it possible you are codependent? The line about the person taking over your life and changing into "some submissive aim to please type person that prioritises them over everything else" rings bells for me - sounds like what I can be like and I'm discovering that I most certainly am. Plus "things get heavy fast" indicates a potential for codependency.

Have you read or heard of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie?

You've identified the pattern, so now you need to find out 1. Why this is your modus operandi, and 2. What you can do instead when you find yourself following behaviours that have proved disastrous in the past.

Would you be open to a few sessions with a relationship counsellor? You could go over your relationship history with a counsellor to discuss your pattern, and how to healthily break out of it.

Peacoat. I am actually pretty . Never heard of codependency before and that's exactly it. My last ex everyone told me he was narcissistic but I couldn't see it. He had a son story and I wanted to make him feel loved and important and special. Everything I did I thought about him and his happiness before anyone else's. I was too scared to stand up for myself but the rare times I did I felt guilty and it was always me apologising and asking him back despite the fact I hadn't done anything.

Three of my exes one was an alcoholic though I didn't realise for a long time due to being long distance. My ex husband was a long term weed smoker. And this recent ex had gambling issues and took drugs probably more frequently that I knew. He didn't show any signs of that until six months in. And then excused it with only once in a purple moon. Except once I accepted that it became more frequent. I really did bend over backwards to make sure he was okay.

I would be open to some relationship counselling yes. Not sure I can afford it but I'd like to.

I'm going to get that book too and if there are any other recommendations that would be great.

Freedom programme online

List of traits of a codependent

Thank you both I will have a good look after the school run.

I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

I very much identify with all the above. My counselor told me I deny, minimise, avoid and focus on helping others so I shouldnt be surprised really.

I'd really like to get myself into better shape, emotionally and mentally. I found with the counseling, which was related to other things, didnt really help other than letting me get things out. But not really how to learn different patterns of behaviour.

Any self help books, courses, workshops and so on are very welcome. I really am very tired of this cycle I have been in for so long.

I don't think you're cynical and bitter. I think you've just reached a place that a lot of us have reached in the past - I know I did, after the last relationship went tits up.

Relationships aren't the be all and end all you know?

There's nothing wrong with being single - there's plenty of us out here leading happy, fulfilled and independent lives and enjoying every minute of it.

I got off the relationship bandwagon seven years ago and I've never looked back. I'd be very hard pressed to even consider a relationship now. He'd have to be something really special .. and let's be honest, there are very few like that out there, so I'm not holding my breath.

Like you I lurched from one disaster to the other and in the end I just thought I can't be bothered with this anymore. I'd rather just focus on getting on with my own life - me and the kids .. and whilst I'm not jumping through hoops happy all the time, I'm a bloody sight more contented than I ever was with a bloke, and life is good. All the fucking drama and nonsense that goes on in some relationships, and what for really? A shag? Someone to go out with. Someone to share a bed with? I don't miss any of that in the slightest.

Some of us are cut out for relationships - I don't think I am, and maybe you aren't either? Take some time for you and your kids and give the blokes a rest for a bit.

Celestria when I read that list I actually cried as so many seemed to relate to my pattern of being in relationships of all types. I'm going along to my first "Codependents Anonymous" meeting tonight. Yikes! I'll report back if you like so you can see if it might be helpful for you.

Thanks fontanella. I do sometimes think I'm not cut out for relationships. I can't be bothered with the stress being in relationships cause me. I've spent so long giving my love to the wrong people. I think I want to give some love to myself now and focus on my lovely kids self improvement and getting a career off the ground.

Pea I'd love to know how you got on

It was great! I was absolutely terrified to go in, and to be there at first. I got to the door and pressed the button but nearly turned away but someone came and opened the door so I had to go in. People were friendly.

I found the sharing part of the session real validation of the issues I'm experiencing, and it raised a whole raft of things - some big, some small - that I know I need to deal with. I already feel stronger to put boundaries in place with the alcoholic I'm involved with, which I really needed. It has sparked me into being proactive regarding another issue as well.

Lots and lots to think about - so much so that I was awake for a few hours in the middle of the night, but it feels very positive and empowering, if slightly overwhelming. I'm sure there'll be times when it doesn't feel that way, but at least I feel like answers exist